Protective Mothers' Alliance International

family court abuse/corruption

WHEN HE CLAIMS IT NEVER HAPPENED/ Lundy Bancroft -Based on an entry from “Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That: Encouragement for Women Involved With Angry and Controlling Men”

with 5 comments

One of the most crazy-making acts by abusive men is when they outright deny major things they have done to you. Hundreds of women have told me of times where the abusive man has asserted angrily, right to her face, that he never said those horrible things to her, or that he didn’t hit her, or that he didn’t do other terrible forms of abuse to her that she can remember perfectly well. Sometimes he even turns the tables and asserts that she was the one who did those things to him, or claims that she is simply making up his other acts of abuse or violence.

If this has been done to you, you probably end up going through some times of wondering if the abuse is all just in your head. But it’s not! You aren’t imagining things! Denying his acts right to your face is a very common tactic used by abusers, and it’s a serious form of psychological assault. Hang on to your sanity by keeping faith in your knowledge of what’s real.
Lundy Bancroft

[Based on an entry from “Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That: Encouragement for Women Involved With Angry and Controlling Men” (Berkley Books)]

5 Responses

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  1. Yes! He has done so many cruel and physically painful things to me as well as so much verbal and emotional abuse (we are separated due to my fear of his abuse) and walked away as if nothing, I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL happened. He is an alcoholic and has been since the age of 14, according to him and he is now 58. I asked his mother and sister for help. His family denied that he had a problem and called both me and our son liars and chose to believe the alcoholic abuser who denied it all. They then turned on me and I was not only ostracized but they waged a smear campaign against me, even in front of our son. I believe that I have witnessed true evil and I am barely getting through each day. Of course I now know that he is a serial adulterer and was only faithful for about the first year of our marriage. 1 year faithful vs 9 years of serial adultery and coming home to me for his greatest joy, getting drunk and being as cruel as possible then blaming me for the problems in our marriage. My life has been a nightmare and I can’t wake up. I’m not the person that I used to be, I’m not sure who I am or if I will ever be me again. I miss me.


    May 1, 2015 at 10:07 pm

    • We are so sorry you are going through this! Please join us on our Facebook page. You may find education, love and support there from others going through similar experiences.Regardless, you have our love and support, always. The PMA International Team.

  2. And I would like to add that sometimes the children remember. Even if they do not dare say it out loud for a long time, some of us remember. And some of us go on to tell the truth and write the story.


    May 2, 2015 at 3:25 am

  3. You cannot imagine how much it means to me to have stumbled upon this page. I’m married (for over 30 years) to a verbal abuser who switches dizzyingly between several of the styles of abusers that Mr. Bancroft describes–to the point where I’m so confused that I have trouble explaining the abuse to others. But the main issue between us is his complete denial that he’s ever said any of the horribly mean things he’s just said. If I dare to even bring them up, he flatly denies ever saying them…which of course means that 1) no apology will ever be forthcoming and 2) obviously I’m insane and need help.

    Which brings us to his latest strategy–after insisting he never said anything vicious, he solemnly tells me that we urgently need marriage counseling for our “communication problem” at which point I feel such despair. He’s personable, intelligent and charming and I really doubt that any marriage counselor is going to see through his facade. He’s been fed enough psychobabble from malicious narcissistic friends that he’ll twist the session around to blaming me for his abusive behavior.

    The scary thing is that he seems to have perfected denial–he *believes* his own version of events. He grew up in an educated family where his father was unpredictably verbally abusive to his mother and the whole family sided with him. His mother was the scapegoat and my husband and his sisters would deny afterward that the abusive raging incident had ever happened–!

    What on earth do you do in the face of that kind of blanket denial? (not a rhetorical question–I’m desperate for answers since I’m financially trapped in this bizarre marriage and am 69 years old now)


    July 10, 2016 at 4:44 pm

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