Protective Mothers' Alliance International

family court abuse/corruption

General Letter to a General Child in a General Family./ Dr. Childress

with 5 comments

“The child’s misidentification of authentic sadness is being created by the pathology of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent. The child’s authentic sadness and grief are being transformed by the manipulative pathology of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent into “anger and resentment, loaded with revengeful wishes.” Dr Childress


I am working as hard and as fast as I can to bring this nightmare of “parental alienation” to an end – for all children and for all families. My next blog post will be significant in moving our fight for your children forward. In the meantime, I was asked by a targeted parent if I could write a letter to the children explaining things to them. So I did.
For a variety of reasons, I can’t actually write a specific letter to your specific child in your specific family. But I can write a general letter to a general child in a general family. And this is what I did.
I wanted to speak directly to the child (an adolescent between the ages of 13-17), so I had to make four versions of the letter, one for a daughter who is rejecting her mom (A Letter to Mary) and one for a son who is rejecting his mom (A Letter to Jason), one for a daughter who is rejecting her dad (A Letter to Jessica), and one for a son who is rejecting his dad (A Letter to John). They’re all the same, but it simplifies the use of pronouns. I think of this as my “Letter to Mary” series, since this is the one I started with.
Until we can protect your children we cannot ask them to reveal their authenticity. They have to survive in the psychologically dangerous upside-down world of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent, where night is day, and black is white, where truth and reality shift with the needs of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent.
Fundamentally, though, the problem for the child is a misidentified and unprocessed grief response (the famed attachment theorist, John Bowlby, referred to it as “disordered mourning”). The child’s misidentification of authentic sadness is being created by the pathology of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent. The child’s authentic sadness and grief are being transformed by the manipulative pathology of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent into “anger and resentment, loaded with revengeful wishes.”
From Kernberg (1975): “The [narcissist’s] need to control the idealized objects, to use them in attempts to manipulate and exploit the environment and to “destroy potential enemies,” is linked with inordinate pride in the “possession” of these perfect objects totally dedicated to the patient.” (p. 33)
From Kernberg (1975) “They [narcissists] are especially deficient in genuine feelings of sadness and mournful longing; their incapacity for experiencing depressive reactions is a basic feature of their personalities. When abandoned or disappointed by other people they may show what on the surface looks like depression, but which on further examination emerges as anger and resentment, loaded with revengeful wishes, rather than real sadness for the loss of a person whom they appreciated.” (p. 229)
In normal-range divorces, parents help their children understand and process the children’s sadness and grief surrounding the divorce. This is what parents are supposed to do. But the pathology of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent has no empathy for the child, and instead manipulates the child’s authentic sadness into anger, into blaming and resentment toward the other parent in order to exploit the child’s anger as a weapon against the other parent.
About the only thing I might be able to do for the child caught in the loyalty conflict imposed by a narcissistic/(borderline) parent is to do for the child what a normal-range parent should do, help the child understand his or her authentic hurt, and sadness, and grief beneath the anger and blaming. So that’s what I tried to do in these letters to the children. It may not be successful and it may not help. But it’s the most I can do until we are able to protect the children from the psychopathology of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent.
The four versions of the letter are up on my website, down at the very bottom. Direct links are:

A Letter to Mary (mother/daughter):…
A Letter to Jason (mother/son):…
A Letter to Jessica (father/daughter):…
A Letter to John (father/son):…
Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857
Kernberg, O.F. (1975). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. New York: Aronson.

Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

April 15, 2016 at 9:59 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Sickening that this organization would promote a man who profits off of abused children. Equally disappointed in the fact you support the term PA/PAs that was developed solely to help abusers gain custody . I have written Lundy so that he is aware of the garbage this organization is putting out . It really is a disgrace to every protective mother out there. Quite certain that you will delete this as the leader of the cult will not allow comments that question him but I have screenshots so that the world can see that you censor comments from mother’s who call out abusers.


    April 23, 2016 at 6:26 am

    • We have stated many times that many protective mothers have not seen or spoken to their children for many years. We have a very large organization of protective mothers. In addition, we get flooded with e mails from around the world that proves as such. Whatever term you wish to call this , it exists. It is the pathology of a personality disordered person to take revenge in this manner. It this MISUSE of this pathology by family court and abusers that is the problem. NOT that the problem doesn’t exist. To say that this problem does not exist for protective mothers, is invalidating and a great disservice to the many protective mothers who are grieving because they have not seen nor spoken to their children in years or decades.We support all protective mothers. Narcissists, abusers and other personality disordered people always accuse their target for doing what they themselves are doing. This is called projection. So an abusive father will accuse a protective mother of alienation, when in fact, he himself is in the process of doing so. We have asked for proof that DR Childress hurts protective mothers as this has been one of the allegations place on him by some. So please PROVE to us that Childress ” profits” off of abused children. We have yet to receive any proof on any allegations place on him by some in the mothers movement.. We welcome any legitimate proof to the above and will take it into serious consideration if such proof is presented. What is sad , however, is your attempt at bullying us , by writing to our co founder just as a child would run to tattle to the principal because someone did something they do not agree with. Understand this approach does not work with us, especially Lundy, as he of all people understand the manipulation behind this type of behavior. Know this approach has been tried before and failed miserably. (Please see Lundy’s statement on this site) In attempting to name call,( a cult) bully , manipulate and control us in this fashion you have violated our no abuse zone policy. (Please read it if you are unaware what this policy entails.) If you disagree with our philosophy of making organizational decisions based on truth , proven facts,and critical thinking rather than gossip, assumptions and hear say, you have that right. We understand that not everyone can or will agree with us. You do NOT have the right to attempt to manipulate, control and bully us for any reason especially simply because you disagree with a post on our site. Isn’t this what abusers do?????

      • Hi I’ve had the same reception from others who disagree with PA but they claimed it is DV by proxy. I am trying to find Lundy’s statement. Can you point me to it. Thanks


        April 24, 2016 at 9:47 am

      • Lundy’s statement is in reference to a vicious attack that our organization, and executive director/ co founder along with many other protective mothers were under for four years. These attacks were from those saying they were ” protective mothers ” but who clearly behave like abusers. These people still exist within the mothers movement and have added groups and org with different names. You can read Lundy’s statement on the topic and more on our front page, and on Lundy’s blog Healing and Hope.

  2. Thank you so much for your position on this. My ex attempted murder/suicide of her 2nd husband and committed felony assault of a police officer. She has also lied to medical providers for our children including intentionally providing false medication information on a surgical intake form for our son (the form the anesthesiologist uses to control sedation). All the while, she has used DV by Proxy to teach the children to hate me. And, to make sure both genders are held accountable, her father used DV by Proxy to teach her to hate her mother. When I met her, she hadn’t seen her mother in over 10 years, referred to her by her first name only, had disowned her, and hated her with a vengeance.


    September 24, 2016 at 6:06 am

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