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The Most Beautiful Way To Stop A Bully I’ve Ever Seen/ TED

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July 16, 2015 at 1:15 am

Men’s Cyber Abuse Against Intimate Female Partners / Speak Out Loud- CLARE MURPHY PHD

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This article was originally posted on Speak Out Loud ( link below) by one of PMA International’s esteemed leaders- Clare Murphy PHD

Please note; although this article is specific to Men’s cyber abuse towards a female partner, cyber abuse perpetrators are of both genders. Cyber abuse also occurs from individuals who have a variety of relationship dynamics with their target- IE; co workers, colleagues in business and organizations, family members ect. Cyber abuse between any relationship dynamic and gender is clearly abuse and should be labeled and dealt with as such.

http://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/cyber-bullying

Before the proliferation of Cyber Abuse, it was often possible for women to create a safe distance from their abuser —But Cyber Abuse Closes that Gap — There is no longer such a thing as a safe distance from Coercive Control.

The invention of the internet and the development of electronic and digital forms of communication technology have changed the lives of millions of people in good ways and bad ways. Perpetrators of intimate partner abuse have a whole new arsenal of ammunition to use to establish and maintain power and control over their partners. A wide range of electronic devices including mobile phones, mobile phone cameras, video recorders and other technologies are used to tease, harass, mock, torment, monitor, stalk, intimidate, and coercively control their partner. Perpetrators use social media, emails, text messages, chat rooms, tweets, websites and other internet technologies too.

I’m writing this blog post to introduce you to a slight change to my power and control wheel. If you look at circle #5 above you’ll see I’ve renamed it Cyber Abuse.

(The list of tactics relating to the previous title in that circle was Over protection and ‘caring’. I’ve integrated that list of coercive control tactics within relevant categories in my updated long list of tactics here.)

Cyber Abuse was not talked about when I first interviewed women who had been psychologically controlled by their male partners. Nearly 13 years later, Online Social Cruelty, Cyberbullying and Cyberstalking are commonly used by men against female partners – both within the relationship and after separation.

Online Social Cruelty

An extensive range of Online Social Cruelty used by men against current or ex-partners includes putting her private phone number and other personal details for sale Online, and impersonating her Online by using her screen name or password.

Some men spread derogatory messages, false rumours and confidential material to embarrass, humiliate and defame their partner. Others tell their partner who she can and cannot ‘friend’ or ‘follow’ on social media, or he may use his MySpace, Facebook status, and other Social Media to write degrading statements about her. These tactics are intended to damage her self image.

Some men are known to create Website/Online forums such as chat rooms or twitter accounts to write abusive messages about her, and those close to her, and he may also send unwelcome messages directly to her friends, family, and employer.

Sexting is an Online form of men’s intimate partner sexual abuse that entails creating and posting non-professional sexual or nude images or videos of her on social media. Sexting is an unwelcome and significantly damaging form of abuse.

Men who belittle and humiliate their partner Online are exposing her to gigantic audiences, therefore forcing her to experience overwhelming vulnerability. These invasive tactics purposefully steal women’s sense of privacy and security.

Cyberbullying

Many men who coercively control their female partners engage in repeated forms of Cyberbullying. This includes stealing or forcing her to disclose passwords, insisting that she always be available at the end of the phone, and demanding that she take nude photos of herself and send them to him.

Some men use recordings, photos and videos to blackmail their partner or ex-partner, and may record violent and sexual assaults followed by threats to post them Online. Other cyberbullying tactics include coercing her to ‘volunteer’ her phone for him to check, and manipulating or intimidating her if she delays responding to his text messages. He may send unwanted threatening and abusive emails, tamper with her emails, and check for the content of her ‘sent’ and ‘deleted’ folders.

I’ve had clients whose partner emailed computer viruses to her and who engaged in Spamming by purposefully flooding her email box with junk mail. Other men engage in Mail Bombing by sending lengthy or sizeable emails that use all her computer memory.

Cyberbullying also includes telling her who she can and can’t ‘friend’ on social media, threatening to, or actually uploading and distributing personal photos and videos without her consent.

The lines are blurred between Offline bullying and Cyberbullying. Bullying is anxiety-creating no matter what form it takes. Some women are able to escape Offline bullying, but there is less ability to escape from bullying in Cyberspace.

This is particularly the case for women with disabilities who experience the debilitating effects of Cyberbullying. Men who have a partner whose mobility, speech, hearing or sight is impaired may sabotage or remove her electronic and communication aids, interfere with her ability to use her TRS, sabotage or remove her braille equipment.

Cyberstalking

Digital Voyeurism is a form of Cyberstalking that some men use to control their partner or ex-partner. Cyberstalking entails using a range of technology to monitor her, by for example tapping her phoneline, installing hidden surveillance cameras and listening devices in her house, or accessing her internet banking to monitor, or use, her funds.

Men in relationship with women who are hearing impaired may stalk their partner by reviewing the history on her TDD and TTY phone device message delivery services.

Other forms of Cyberstalking include willfully sending her excessive amounts of unwelcome texts, phone calls and voice messages, frequently looking through her phone checking her contacts, calls, texts, voice messages and photos. Some men make malicious use of GPS to track her movements. Other men will use her caller ID on her phone to pursue her and track her down.

Cyberstalking includes Doxxing

Doxxing entails trawling through the internet to locate every type of personal information pertaining to her, such as her contact details, geographical location, and passwords. Some men follow and monitor their partner’s Online movements, or sign into her Social Media accounts, chat forums and her other Social Network sites.

Installs computer software to stalk her

Abusers use Spyware and Sniffer Programmes to detect information such as usernames and passwords that are sent or received on her computer. Spyware records all her attempts to delete emails and her internet browser history. Installation can be achieved by direct access to her computer or by concealing it in an email attachment.

Installs computer hardware to stalk her

Abusers install Keystroke Logging Hardware onto her keyboard, or the back of her computer to keep tabs on who she communicates with, and where, or if, she seeks support or advice for the abuse and control she’s experiencing.

Anyone can install software and hardware for malicious reasons, they do not need to have computer expertise to make such installations.

Any form of Cyberstalking Causes Significant Damage
In a research project of women’s experiences of Protection Orders, one woman said:

“I never went to the police about these communications as invariably he would make sure to put something of a defamatory or insulting nature about me and I wondered if they would believe his interpretation of things rather than my own.” Pg 204(1)

This woman went to the police again and, “and fortunately for once, I got a constable who actually listened to me.” Pg 204(1)

Unfortunately though, in most countries non-physical tactics of coercive control are considered minor by legal establishments, however, coercive control, no matter what form it takes, is debilitating, destabilising and can lead to a deadly outcome. Read this blog post about how to keep yourself safe if you believe your partner could kill you. And read this post if you are planning to leave.

Stalking a current or ex-intimate partner Offline often involves threats of danger, or actual danger. The same is true of Cyberstalking.

Cyberstalking can lead to dangerous outcomes.

One research project exploring the use of “stalking with technology”(2) noted that:

“While hiding from an abusive partner, a woman needed to get papers to her abuser. She sent them to him via her attorney from the shelter’s fax machine. Her attorney faxed the papers to the abuser’s attorney, who gave the papers to the abuser.” Pg 845(2)

This was highly dangerous activity on the part of both attorneys because “The abuser got the phone number and location of the victim” Pg 845(2) as it was printed on the fax paper.

Other studies(4) find frustration with the minimal accountability and justice. Professionals dealing with any form of intimate partner stalking must take every seemingly isolated minor incident seriously because behind that one incident is a backlog of multiple forms of Coercive Control. Coercive Control is one of the major risk factors that leads to physical violence against female partners and to murdering women and their children.

Cyber Abuse of any kind leads to Long Term Negative Impacts
When a man engages in an ongoing systematic pattern of Offline abuse, control and stalking it is highly likely he will also engage in an intrusive systematic pattern of Online Social Cruelty, CyberBullying and CyberStalking. The intertwining of all this can lead to crazymaking, severe anxiety, panic attacks, thoughts of suicide. The long term negative impacts can be palpable for women and the children exposed to such abuse.

Some CyberSafety Tips

1 Change your usernames and passwords
2 Block your caller ID on your Phone
3 Turn off GPS location facilities on your computer, camera and Phone
4 Use a safe email address – perhaps create a new one
5 Use a safe computer, perhaps at the library or someone you know who your abuser does not know
6 Delete your internet history (although digital footprints can never be entirely deleted)
7 Keep a record of all forms of abuse (ensure that record is kept safe from the abuser)

These are basic safety measures if you are being harassed. However if you are in danger there are many more measures you may need to take to stay safe in relation to communication technologies and CyberSpace. Here are three documents compiled by researchers that you could use for taking stronger safety measures . . . . These tips from Women’s Legal Services, NSW — And these ones by Web Wise Women — Also these Technology Safety Quick Tips from the National Network to End Domestic Violence.

References:
Robertson, Neville, Busch, Ruth, D’Souza, Radha, Lam Sheung, Fiona, Anand, Reynu, Balzer, Roma, . . . Paina, Dulcie. (2007). Living at the cutting edge: Women’s experience of Protection Orders: Volume 2: What’s to be done? A critical analysis of statutory and practice approaches to domestic violence.
Southworth, Cynthia, Finn, Jerry, Dawson, Shawndell, Fraser, Cynthia, and Tucker, Sarah. (2007). Intimate partner violence, technology, and stalking. Violence Against Women, 13(8), 842-856.
Hand, Tammy, Chung, Donna, and Peters, Margaret. (2009). The use of information and communication technologies to coerce and control in domestic volence and following separation Stakeholder Paper 6: Australian Domestic and Family Violence Clearinghouse.
West, Jessica. (2014). Cyber-Violence Against Women. Vancouver, BC: Battered Women’s Support Services: The Violence Stops Here.

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An Alienating Parent

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

October 1, 2014 at 3:49 am

The Ray Rice Story Explodes on Twitter

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On Monday, TMZ aired surveillance film from an elevator in an Atlantic City casino that showed former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice beating his then-fiance and now current wife Janay Rice. The brutal assault was captured on film–Rice punched Janay, knocking her out, then dragged her unconscious body out of the elevator.

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Despite the vicious attack, Janay married Rice. And now, a media firestorm has begun, questioning Janay’s decision to marry Rice and stay in the relationship.

Janay used Instagram to explain why she stayed in the relationship and how public exposure of this incident has hurt her family: http://www.cleveland.com/browns/index.ssf/2014/09/janay_rice_releases_statement.html

Then the hashtag #whyistayed was started by Beverly Gooden, writer, who was touched by the footage of the beating, “For over a year, I was physically abused by my ex-husband. When TMZ released the video of Ray Rice punching, dragging, and spitting on his wife [Monday] morning, the internet exploded with questions about her. Why didn’t she leave? Why did she marry him? Why did she stay? I can’t speak for Janay Rice, but I can speak for Beverly Gooden. Why did I stay? ”

And “I believe in storytelling. I believe in the power of shared experience. I believe that we find strength in community. That is why I created this hashtag.”

#whyIstayed is used by victims of domestic violence to explain what it was like for them to live in an abusive relationship — that it was not easy for them to leave their abuser. Many of the comments reflect that these women feared for their lives, they were dominated and control. PMA International has also heard many stories of women who stayed because they feared their ex would harm or take custody (or kidnap) their children if they left.

To hear more of these heart breaking stories, please visit our Unstoppable Mothers Project and our Love Letters to Our Children Project ( links below)

Unstoppable Mothers;

https://protectivemothersallianceinternational.org/2014/01/18/unstoppable-mothers/

UNSTOPPABLEmoms

Love Letters To Our Children;
https://protectivemothersallianceinternational.org/2013/11/20/love-letters-to-our-children-2/

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Another hastag #whyIleft describes the fight for survival, and why the abuse victim left or got help to leave. The two hashtags are trending on Twitter.

The Ravens have since cut Rice from the team, and he is suspended indefinetly from the NFL. Rice says he loves his wife, and that they are in “good spirits” and “support each other”. Janay says she loves her husband, and ” ‘I want people to respect our privacy in this family matter.’

http://www.cleveland.com/interact/2014/09/cleveland-born_author_starts_w.html

http://www.vox.com/2014/9/8/6124703/whyistayed-and-whyileft-hashtags-are-the-most-powerful-things-youll-read?utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter&utm_campaign=vox&utm_content=article-share-top

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WHO IS THE CONTROLLING ONE? / Lundy Bancroft

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This wonderful article was originally posted by our PMA International co-founder Lundy Bancroft on his Healing and Hope site ( link below)

http://lundybancroft.blogspot.com/

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Has your partner ever said to you, “You’re the controlling one! You are always trying to control me! You’re a controlling bitch!”
These accusations can create confusion for the woman. So let’s clarify a few points.

It is not control when you:

Demand that someone treat you properly, insisting that your rights be respected (including demanding that you be spoken to with respect)
Challenge someone about the work they are creating for you (such as by leaving messes around the house)
Press someone to meet responsibilities that they aren’t meeting (and if you have to keep asking them over and over again, that doesn’t make you controlling, it makes them irresponsible)
Challenge someone about behaviors of theirs that have large implications for the couple (and for the family if you have children), such as abusing alcohol, gambling, ignoring the children, or being mean to the children
Call the police because someone is hurting you or threatening to hurt you

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It is control when you:

Ridicule someone, make them feel stupid, or call them demeaning names, especially when you are doing so in order to force them do something or to silence them
Physically or sexually intimidate someone
Get revenge on someone for not doing what you told them to do or for standing up for their own opinions
Impose double standards (make different rules for yourself than for the other person)
Pressure or manipulate someone into sexual contact that they don’t want

I’m willing to bet that when he calls you controlling, he is referring to things you do from the first list, and that when you call him controlling, you’re referring to things he does from the second list. He’s the one getting it all backwards.

Another useful, though tricky, concept: It’s control when you are trying to take someone’s rights away, and it’s self-defense when you are trying to keep someone else from taking your rights away. (The reason this gets tricky is because the controlling man will often say that you are trying to take his rights away, because he thinks he has the right to abuse you.)

And a last concept: The abusive man will call you “controlling” for resisting his control. Noticing when this is happening will be a huge help to you.

DV By PROXY = Child Abuse

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Emotional Intelligence: From Theory to Everyday Practice/ Professor Brackett Director of The Yale Center For Emotional Intelligence

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In this presentation from 2013, Professor Brackett, Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, will describe the theory of emotional intelligence developed at Yale under President Salovey’s direction and share his decades of research between emotional intelligence and important life outcomes. How to recognize your emotions, triggers and how to deal with both is discussed for children, and adults. Professor Brackett also demonstrates how educating on this topic of emotional intelligence, helps to reduce bullying.

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