Archive for the ‘counseling’ Category
As we travel down this path together – advocating for family court reform, we have seen an alarming trend. Protective Mothers are being re victimized.
Protective Mothers are being re victimized , not just by family court, but by the very people in which they reach out for help.
As an organization we are amazed at the number of requests for help with personal cases that we receive. Not just because we have posted everywhere that we do not get involved in personal custody cases, but because we are simply puzzled by such requests.
We are an organization of fellow Protective Moms. How can we help with a personal custody case ?
We are not a group of legal professionals or licensed educated therapists. We understand the desperation, but when we see where protective mothers are putting their trust – we cringe.
Some Protective Moms are putting their trust in people simply not qualified, educated or licensed to help in their custody case.
So with that in mind, PMA International Administrators, and Leaders put together some categories of assistance a Protective Mom would need and – in our opinion and experience – where best to go for help.
Family court is a legal forum. So unless you are going to represent yourself, you need a legal professional. These are just the facts.
It is illegal for a judge to communicate to anyone other then yourself or your legal representative about your case.
You need a good Family Court attorney who specializes in DV.
If money is an issue find legal aid in your community, University law schools or paralegal organizations.
But the point is – you need a legal professional.
If you are looking for emotional support it is best to find a qualified , licensed highly trained therapist for help. Preferably one trained in trauma and/or PTSD. Going to a fellow protective mother for emotional support is not effective, in our experience.
Trauma survivors are rarely helpful in helping other trauma survivors as they get triggered themselves hearing the other person’s story.This is simply unavoidable. A few of the consequences of the above – more often than not- is an unhealthy role reversal, or sudden withdrawal of support leading to resentment, anger and more trauma.
Do yourself a favor and avoid the above by simply finding a good highly trained trauma therapist to get the support you need and deserve.
If money is an issue, research low cost alternatives in your community. Most communities have this option. Utilize local churches for your preferred spiritual support.
If you are looking for research , best to go to a professional liscensed trusted Private Investigator. A P.I is trained and educated in what they do and has the emotional distance necessary to do a good job with a clear head.
Others may mean well when they offer their help, and they might even share a similar experience , but when you are dealing with Family Court abuse and corruption the stakes are so high and the trauma so deep that hiring a professional, highly trained, educated and licensed expert are some of the ways to limit the chances of being re victimized.
Understand, we clearly know Protective Mothers who have had bad experiences with professionals. This saddens us , but is unavoidable as in life there are no guarantees .
Also , we are not talking about professionals ordered by Family Court, but ones you research yourself, in addition to getting referrals from a trusted person.
If by chance you still get re victimized by a professional,( it happens) their governing body has a complaint process and we highly recommend you access it.
This is not the case if you are depending on a non- professional for help.
For these reasons and many others PMA International has made the decision to not get involved in personal custody cases as we are a large group of international Protective Mothers- not legal experts.
So if you are a Protective Mother, reaching out for help and your 2 choices are either a trained, educated professional, or a non professional , we suggest – take your chances with the trained professional, per our collective experience.
We understand your desperation, as we have been there. But utilizing professionals for help will give you and your children a fighting chance and may help to avoid re victimization in the process.
Originally posted on Beyond Boundaries website ( link below )
From the book Beyond Boundaries by Dr. John Townsend
When I (Dr. Townsend) guide people through a process of examining a previous difficult relationship, the one question I have found most helpful is this: What was the “payoff” in your choice? In other words, what good things did you think you’d get when you began a relationship with that person?
We wind up with difficult people for a reason—there was something we valued, wanted, or hoped for. And because the need was strong, we may not have paid attention to something unacceptable in that person’s character. We either minimized or denied some sign, some reality, some warning light that all was not well. And the character problem ended up being a bigger deal than we thought.
When smart people accept unacceptable relationships, they tend to see traits and abilities in others that they think will make life better for them. We see positive aspects of a person’s psyche that we are drawn to or feel we need. A longing for them dulls an awareness of that person’s darker side. Here are a few examples. For some period of time in the relationship, the person had the following:
Warmth: She was gentle and nurturing with me
Affirmation: He saw the good in me
Safety: He did not condemn or judge me
Structure: She was organized and got things done
Humor: She helped lighten the burdens and cheered me up
A great family: His relatives were much healthier than mine
Drive: She was focused and knew where she was going
Initiative: She took risks and was brave in making decisions
Competency: He was talented, and I needed his talent in my organization
People skills: He handled people better than I did, so I depended on him
Intelligence: She was smart, and I needed smarts in my department
In the toughest cases, the trait is simply that “he liked me.” That is, sometimes people feel so alone and desperate that they are grateful just for someone to be pursuing them, no matter what that person’s character may be.
We have an ability to spin the truth when it comes to our relationships. When we want something so badly that we ignore reality. Love is not blind, but desire can be. Here are some examples of how we spin the truth:
You allowed him to control you because you were weak and afraid.
You ignored detachment and disconnection because she was a nice person.
You minimized irresponsibility because she had a great personality and charm.
You put up with his tendency to divide people on the team because he was a good strategist.
You didn’t pay attention to childishness because she was needy, and you felt protective.
You let him into your life because you were compliant and guilt-based, and he was free and a rebel.
Do you see how the problem occurs? It is an insidious process. It tends to occur slowly over time. The good aspects are generally apparent and right out there. The bad ones don’t come out until later, when the euphoria wears off and the honeymoon is over. We are simply not aware of the repercussions while we are in the middle of the relationship. Instead, we are focused on solving problems, improving things, questioning our own judgment, and trying to be positive about it all. It’s not until later, after we have some distance, that we can gain clarity and perspective on the true dynamics of what went on.
Here are a few questions to help you review your relationships and gain some helpful insights:
What drew me to this person?
What led me to think this person had what I needed?
When did I first notice a significant problem in the relationship?
How did I minimize the problem in order to get the good from the person?
What was the result of minimizing the problem?
The information you gather here will help you avoid these issues in future relationships. This doesn’t mean that the other person has some plan or agenda to hook you in. This occurs sometimes, but certainly not always. In most cases, difficult people are responding to their own issues but remain unaware of them or the impact they have on others. I say this to prevent you from feeling like you were sucked into a trap. Most of the time, both parties are in a dysfunctional dance, and neither one knows what’s going on. The difference now is that you can choose to stop dancing so that your future will be better than your past!
Enjoy PMA International’s timeless re runs. This show features Lundy Bancroft and Karin Huffer.
Caught Between Parents Supporting children through the challenges of divorce by Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D.
As mother’s day approaches I want to take a moment to unequivocally state that yes mothers even good mothers can lose their children to parental alienation. One common myth that seems to be “out there” in the world is that parental alienation is something that only happens to fathers and that mothers, because they tend to have residential custody and because (the theory goes) the courts are biased against fathers, rarely lose their kids this way. While no one has data about the exact gender break down, I can say that without a doubt some mothers do and have been victimized in this way. I believe that part of why this is not talked about as much as fathers’ experiences of parental alienation is that mothers who do lose their kids this way are overcome with shame and humiliation and tend to not want to go public with their story. In my conversations with targeted mothers a common theme is that they perceive other people as thinking that they must have done something wrong for their child to reject them. Many stay silent for this reason, to avoid being blamed and shamed. Another complicating factor is that many women’s rights group denounce the existence of parental alienation, claiming that it is a fabricated problem designed to hurt mothers. Thus, women seeking support and guidance from these groups may be given the message that they are mistaken and/or must stay silent. It is time for targeted mothers to go public and be open about their experience, and make it clear that it is possible to be both a feminist and a victim of parental alienation. I strongly believe that the more people talk about this problem, the more likely it is that it can be prevented and treated. Too often custody cases get bogged down in whether the problem is real rather than focusing on how to resolve the alienation and help heal parent child relationships. In my experience an alienating parent needs three things: (1) motive to undermine the child’s relationship with the other parent, (2) access to the child, and (3) skillful use of alienation strategies. These are not the sole purview of either gender.
On father’s day I will certainly acknowledge the risks and concerns that they contend with concerning parental alienation. In the meantime, I encourage all parents (mothers and fathers) to become educated about parental alienation, to help create awareness in their community, and to work towards improving prevention, intervention, and treatment of this terrible form of child abuse.
” By not verbally expressing that anger, by “avoiding” showing anger, the abuser is allowed to feel as if the victim is the only person at fault for whatever wrong is perceived by the abuser.” Dr. Gregory Jantz
Sylvia entered the quiet house. When she had pulled up in the driveway after work, she hadn’t seen any lights on in the
front of the house, but Jim’s car was parked in its normal place. So he was home. It meant he was in the den at the back of the house instead of in the living room. What have I done now? she thought to herself?
Jim always retreated to the den when he was mad at her. The more she bothered him and tried to find out what was wrong, the longer he would stay inside, not speaking to her. It was best if she just went about her business in the house as quietly as possible, trying to stay out of his way and waiting for him to either snap out of it or blow up and tell her what she had done wrong. She couldn’t force him to respond, and over the years she had gotten used to his behavior.
No discussion of emotional abuse through words would be complete without including the absence of words as a form of abuse. This is commonly known as the “silent treatment.” Abusers punish their victims by refusing to speak to them or even acknowledge their presence. Through silence, the abusers loudly communicate their displeasure, anger, frustration, or disappointment.
Depending on the person, this silent treatment can last for hours, days, or weeks. For some abusers, it is a preferred method of communication because of its ability to humiliate and control the victim. It is used most effectively by those in close relationship, such as a spouse, parent, or child. The silence, the loss of verbal relationship, is meant to exact an emotional toll on the other person, who often will go to great lengths to attempt to restore communication with the abuser.
This level of control is precisely what the abuser is looking for, as well as a way to vent his or her anger at the other person.
By not verbally expressing that anger, by “avoiding” showing anger, the abuser is allowed to feel as if the victim is the only person at fault for whatever wrong is perceived by the abuser. If the victim responds to the silent treatment with anger, the abuser is doubly vindicated.
The above is excerpted from chapter 4 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.
This is for all the Protective Mothers with empty arms and hurting hearts who are missing their children every second of every day, but who are deeply hurting today – Easter and Passover. Know that no matter what, you ARE your children’s mother. No one -and certainly no court- can take away this God-given role in your children’s lives. Please know this in your heart. PMA INTL loves and supports you and your precious children now and forever.
” We shall Overcome”
Have you felt the “hum” at the Stanley Mosk Courthouse? Yeah, it is the “hum” of people talking about “MINOR’S COUNSEL,” aka, “I have a fast boat and a flag with a skull and crossbones, lets take a cruise.” Several lawyers who I respect have mentioned this to me and I too have noticed the power these attorneys have in the capacity of being appointed by the courts as “minors counsel.” You would almost expect them to show up looking a little grandmotherly or a little fatherly. I am actually a little taken aback that they don’t come to court wearing a patch over one eye and a parrot on the shoulder. All the more that makes one wonder what is the actual purpose of these lawyers who get these real lucrative gigs working with kids? Kids who, by the way, under any sense of normalcy would never see a psychologist , or a counselor (unless at school) or for that matter their own attorney, to protect their rights to see if Sunday is better than Saturday for an “overnight,” or that mom cannot fry an egg, or dad does not seem to know how to operate the washer or the dryer. But now they have the misfortune to have two parents who are getting divorced and thus they have their very own Minor’s Counsel…or is it “Miner’s Counsel”…LMAO, I just had a vision of a bearded guy with a shovel digging in a mine and bringing gold ore to the surface.
Folks if you happen to be in court one day and the judge mentions “minor’s counsel,” you too may want to hum “IT TAKES A WORRIED MAN TO SING A WORRIED SONG”. Do not get me wrong here folks, I too was a court appointed investigator many years ago and made a fortune, oops I meant to say a comfortable living, being appointed to represent people who had been arrested, and worked on their defense. It was great, the cops arrested them, the D.A. prosecuted them and I got to defend them, all being paid for by the county (not L.A. by the way…I never thought that the tax payer ever really got it)! It was great!
Back to “miners counsel.” It has been reported that one lawyer who represented a celebrity who had to stop constantly to get coffee and smokes got paid in excess of $400,000 dollars to represent two kids that couldn’t say “poop,“ and there is another one that has made in excess of $100,000 — for what exactly no one can figure out for sure. Now, what I just wrote is for those of you with MONEY and what a gift it is to be appointed by a judge to one of these cases, famous rich people!!! Cha Ching. They will show up for every hearing, every interview I am sure they would not miss even your kid’s bris, this for all my goyim readers is a circumcision. Now for all of you who are wondering about the working class and the poor well you could be ordered to pay half or NO PROBLEM, the county will pay “Da Miner” $125 an hour, and no cap! Take the kid to dinner and a movie and “bill baby,bill.” This is great money, as many of these people could not present a case in court if their life depended on it…not all, but many. So this is great, it is a little like a guy who goes to school to fix cars, he can’t fix crap, so he just moves the cars for the mechanics to fix, very similar.
And wait till you see these “protectors of the children” make there orations in the court room….OMG, this is not funny and can kill your chances of making any headway in your divorce. And most judges that I have observed give these “Miners” free rein to run one or the other or both parents right into the ground. For all my cat lovers, ever notice when your cat drops a smelly one in her kitty litter, well the burying action is very similar to what minor’s counsel can do to whatever position you thought you had in your divorce. And I have seen a few instances of that, “look judge what a great job I did,” did very much appear to me to be a bit over the top…way over the top. And quite frankly are all of these appointees thinking clearly? One or two I have seen appear, how do I put this delicately, NUTS!
Moms and Dads, god help you if your kid is smart enough to play a game on their sometimes overzealous lawyer aka “Minor’s Counsel,“ Oh No Mr. Bill! What real expertise do these people have to deal with children and to interpret what they say and do? Let’s see, a JD degree and a class to be qualified to deal with the children of people going through a divorce, and POOF! it is “show me the money!” My opinion, for the most part this is an appointment with too many flaws. That is the truth, they take a class to get appointed to the panel, LMAO for a few this has been the equivalent of winning the lottery! I ran a juvenile division for a couple of years and I know juveniles and this minor’s counsel thing has to be one of the best gravy trains I have seen in years.