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Daddy Jekyll, Daddy Hyde: Transforming patterns of verbal abuse for the sake of our children/Phillyvoice.com/Amy Wright Glenn

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This article is originally posted on phillyvoice.com ( link below)

http://www.phillyvoice.com/daddy-jekyll-hyde-patterns-verbal-abuse-children/

Last year, Carol’s mother died from pancreatic cancer. It was a swift and terrifying demise. Carol, a single mom of a 5-year-old girl, provided a great deal of support at the time. They spoke on the phone daily and Carol spent many hours at the hospital holding her mother’s hand.

A few days before her mother’s death, during a rare moment of lucidity, Carol was given some heartfelt advice.

“You and Ken make a good couple,” her mother said. “Stay together and be patient with Ashlee.”

Stay together and be patient with Ashlee.

“It took a long time before I decided to leave,” Carol confides. “Sometimes I still wonder if I did the right thing.”

I have permission to share Carol’s story. My friendship with this gentle and intelligent woman spans decades. For most of her 10-year-long marriage, I assumed that all was well. It wasn’t. Like many women — and men — caught in the drama of a verbally abusive relationship, struggles are often experienced in shameful silence…….

To read this article in its entirety please visit phillyvoice.com (link below)

http://www.phillyvoice.com/daddy-jekyll-hyde-patterns-verbal-abuse-children/

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

September 30, 2015 at 11:18 pm

13 year old reunited with mother after being imprisoned by father

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Florida boy, 13, is reunited with his mother after being found imprisoned behind a false wall in his father’s Georgia home after going missing FOUR YEARS ago Boy, 13, from Florida, reported missing to child welfare authorities in 2010 He had gone to father’s house in Georgia and he ‘refused to give him back’ He downloaded cellphone app and text mother saying he was being beaten Police arrived at scene and found teen hidden behind wall in a linen closet Five people – victim’s father, stepmother and three juveniles, were arrested They are charged with false imprisonment, obstruction and cruelty to child On Saturday morning, boy was reunited with mother in emotional scenes.

The unnamed teenager reportedly downloaded a cellphone app to text his Florida-based mother to tell her he was being held captive and beaten at the house in Clayton County, Georgia.

Police arrived at the scene and found the boy hidden behind a false panel in a linen closet in the property’s garage. He repeatedly thanked officers for rescuing him, according to reports.

In heart-wrenching scenes on Saturday morning, the victim was pictured clinging on to his weeping mother, who had traveled to Georgia, as another female relative sobbed uncontrollably nearby.

Now, five people in the house in Duke Court – the boy’s father, stepmother and three juveniles – have been arrested and charged with false imprisonment, obstruction and cruelty to a child.

The boy was reported missing to child welfare authorities in 2010 after he went to visit his father and he refused to return him to his mother, according to WSB-TV.

However, his mother never contacted the police, potentially because she is an immigrant and was unfamiliar with the system, it is said. But after receiving her son’s text, she immediately called 911.

Following her call, officers arrived at the property at 2am on Saturday. They reportedly questioned the house’s uncooperative occupants for several minutes before locating the victim.

It is unknown what condition the teenager was discovered in, or whether he was taken to hospital.

Sargent Joanne Southerland, of Clayton County Police Department, told the news station: ‘We came here to the home and were able to get inside and talk to the people inside.

‘After several minutes of denying that the child was here and that there was ever any assault or anything like that, we were able to find him in the linen closet.’

Officer Daniel Day added: ‘I just couldn’t believe it. We found him, we saw him. To say it was a great feeling is an understatement. He just couldn’t thank us enough, he was overjoyed we had found him.’

Police have now requested a search warrant for the property. A spokesman said they still have a lot of unanswered questions, including how the boy was imprisoned for so long without intervention.

The boy, whose legal custody is believed to lie with his mother, is expected to remain under the protection of the Division of Family and Children Services for the next couple of days.

TATTOO ARTIST OFFERS FREE WORK FOR SURVIVORS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/ davidwolfe.com

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http://www.davidwolfe.com/tattoo-artist-offers-free-work-for-survivors-of-domestic-violence/

Scars can cut both ways: they can give us a sense of pride or they can retraumatize by reminding us of the past. With that in mind, tattoo artist Flavia Carvalho decided to start a project called ‘A Pele da FLor’ (translation: ‘The Skin of the Flower’). Through this project she offers free services to women who have scars from domestic abuse.

Flavia Carvalho runs a studio in Curitiba, Brasil. She’s helped women who have been stabbed by knives, shot with bullets and covers up mastectomies as well.
As she explains:

“I started the project quite recently, and I had no idea it would receive this much media attention. It began very spontaneously. As I said, my services are a hundred percent voluntary, and the only “cost” women need to invest is to choose a design for their tattoos!”

She tells her story of how it began:

“It all started about two years ago, when I worked with a client who wanted to cover a large scar on her abdomen”

“She told me that she was at a nightclub, and when she turned down a man who approached her, he stabbed her with an switchblade”

“When she saw the finished tattoo, she was extremely moved, and that deeply touched me”

“The one that shocked me the most was the story of a 17 year-old girl who dated an older man and, for months, suffered from the physically abusive relationship”

“When he wanted to break up with her, he scheduled a meeting, and after they began to fight, he stabbed her several times in her abdomen, and violently raped her”

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

September 8, 2015 at 3:00 am

Cops Beat Their Wives & Girlfriends At Double The National Rate, Still Receive Promotions/ Freethoughtproject.com

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http://thefreethoughtproject.com/cops-beat-wives-girlfriends-double-national-rate-receive-promotions/

Statistics show that 1 in 4 women in the US is a victim of domestic violence, those numbers jump to 1 in 2 if they are married to a cop.
May 7, 2014

Law Enforcement officers beat their significant other at nearly double the national average. Several studies, according to Diane Wetendorf, author of Police Domestic Violence: Handbook for Victims, indicate that women suffer domestic abuse in at least 40 percent of police officer families. For American women overall, the figure is 25 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

According to The Advocates for Human Rights Organization, studies indicate that police families are 2-4 times more likely than the general population to experience domestic violence, making the potential for disparities in protective success particularly troubling.

Historian John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton, has a famous quote, Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. This rings true through all levels of government ‘power,’ however it is particular prevalent among police officers.

Sociopaths are attracted to positions in which they are able to assert authority over others, so it should come as no surprise that there are higher concentrations of sociopaths within law enforcement.

The trouble with spousal abuse lies in the very nature of police work. The authority and control in the wrong hands, will be misused, according to domestic violence counselors.

What makes police domestic violence more difficult to deal with is the fact that women feel scared to report it. Even advocates for battered women are reluctant to dive into domestic violence cases involving police for fear of alienating the agencies they rely upon for help in other abuse cases, according to a report by SFGate.

When other women report their abuse, they do so to law enforcement officers. Think about it from the position of the one being abused by a law enforcement officer. The one doing the beating is simultaneously holding a position in which they are tasked with preventing that very abuse!

“There are a lot of good cops who go into the work for the right reasons, to help people. But then you have these others who are more interested in the authority, in the badge and the gun.”
Diane Wetendorf told SFGate in an interview,

“The biggest problem for a woman reporting that she’s been abused by her police officer husband or boyfriend is that nobody believes you.”
“There are a lot of good cops who go into the work for the right reasons, to help people. But then you have these others who are more interested in the authority, in the badge and the gun.”
“They start out with command presence and voice to gain and maintain control, and if that doesn’t work, they go up the scale with an increasing amount of force until they get compliance,” Wetendorf said. “Unfortunately, these guys use the same technique with their wives and girlfriends. And some of them go from 0 to 60 right away.”
These women not only fear retaliation, but also have apprehension about their husbands losing their jobs, thus stifling their own economic future.

If they do report it they often run into skepticism from the same law enforcement system they are complaining to.

“A big part of police culture is the code of silence, the prosecutors depend on police for their cases, the police depend on each other – it’s a very insulated system,” says Wetendorf. Cops will all too often look the other way when it is “one of their own” facing accusations.

An example of this tendency to cover up domestic police abuse can be seen in the case of Jeremy Yachik. This monster beat and tortured his daughter for years. His girlfriend even filmed the abuse with her cellphone and brought the footage to the police department that Yachik worked for.

After showing the video to Glen Johnson, the Police Chief, they failed to respond and she was forced to find another venue to expose this abuse.
Also a study conducted by the Domestic Violence Task Force called Domestic Violence in the Los Angeles Police Department: How Well Does the Los Angeles Police Department Police Its Own? revealed that performance evaluations of cops with history of domestic violence are largely unaffected.The study of the Los Angeles Police Department further examined the 91 cases in which an allegation of domestic violence was sustained against an officer.

Over three-fourths of the time, this sustained allegation was not mentioned in the officer’s performance evaluation.
Twenty-six of these officers (29%) were promoted, including six who were promoted within two years of the incident.
The report concluded that “employees with sustained allegations were neither barred from moving to desired positions nor transferred out of assignments that were inconsistent with the sustained allegation”

Wetendorf points out the most common fears when reporting police domestic abuse in her handbook:

If your abuser is an officer of the law, you may be afraid to:

Call the police — He is the police.
Go to a shelter — He knows where the shelters are located.
Have him arrested — Responding officers may invoke the code of silence.
Take him to court — It’s your word against that of an officer, and he knows the system.
Drop the charges — You could lose any future credibility and protection.
Seek a conviction — He will probably lose his job and retaliate against you.
These fears can make someone feel incredibly trapped and feel like there is no way out.

If you or someone you know is a victim of this type of abuse we encourage you to no longer remain silent. As long as people go unpunished for their abuse, they will continue their abuse.

Film it, record it, expose it in any manner you can. Tell us your story and we will expose these abusive jackboots for the cowards they are.

Sources:

1 Johnson, L.B. (1991). On the front lines: Police stress and family well-being. Hearing before the Select Committee on Children, Youth, and Families House of Representatives: 102 Congress First Session May 20 (p. 32-48). Washington DC: US Government Printing Office.

2 Neidig, P.H., Russell, H.E. & Seng, A.F. (1992). Interspousal aggression in law enforcement families: A preliminary investigation. Police Studies, Vol. 15 (1), p. 30-38.

3 P.H. Neidig, A.F. Seng, and H.E. Russell, “Interspousal Aggression in Law Enforcement Personnel Attending the FOP Biennial Conference,” National FOP Journal. Fall/Winter 1992, 25-28.

Read more at http://thefreethoughtproject.com/cops-beat-wives-girlfriends-double-national-rate-receive-promotions/#wkwzOVPDesOeX8dT.99

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

August 3, 2015 at 9:19 am

Help End Domestic Violence in a New Public Service Announcement (PSA) Campaign.

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http://www.bandt.com.au/advertising/celebs-paint-one-nail-purple-to-end-domestic-violence

The PSA asks viewers to literally put the nail in domestic violence in the hope of finally seeing its end.

The PSA was created by New York organisation Safe Horizon that supports the victims of domestic violence, according to US publication AdWeek. The clip accompanying the campaign was created on a pro-bono basis by ad agency Arnold, in New York.

President of Arnold New York, Peter Grossman, said he and the team wanted a tagline that both stood out and had a sense of fun. ‘Put the nail in it’ was the result.

“We liked that it was provocative and pushing the boundaries, and we thought it would help it to stand out and help drive the conversation,” Grossman said.

The clip includes a number of well-known celebs. Check it out below.

Social media has backed the campaign too with the hashtag #PutTheNailInIt.

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

June 25, 2015 at 5:29 am

The Invisible Domestic Violence no one Talks about./ Elephant

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http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/02/the-invisible-domestic-violence-no-one-talks-about/

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There were times when I wished he would hit me.

You know, a nice punch to my face. That way, I could have walked to my neighbors and said, “Look! Look what he did! Please help me!” But with me, as with many other women, it wasn’t that simple. It seldom ever is.

Domestic violence has existed as long as humans have walked the Earth. The majority of abusers are men. Most, if not all, were abused as children in some way, shape or form, and were lacking in affection, self-esteem and good role models. The causes and methods of abuse are many and varied just like the people involved.

Abuse of any type is often a byproduct of years of low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, being abused oneself and a million other things all tied together in a vicious knot. It’s a complex and sometimes difficult situation to read.

So too are the circumstances for the victim. No one stays with someone who abuses them physically or verbally because they like to be abused. Most have come to this point because of childhood trauma, a longterm relationship with someone who is an expert at controlling and manipulating their victim, and numerous other issues with self-worth.

The reasons for abuse are almost always the same: abusers need to have power over someone else to help them feel better about their own deficiencies, low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy.

Women who are in abusive relationships will often defend their abusers and stay in the relationship long past the time they should have left. It is often the female who blames herself and keeps trying to make things work. Sometimes it’s the subtle mind games of the controlling, manipulative partner that cause a woman to doubt herself and her feelings.

This is often difficult for those who have never been in an abusive relationship to understand, but there are many reasons for this. Some are easily understood, some not so much.

Sometimes it is low self-esteem that holds them in place. My therapist kept asking me one question at the end of every session: “Why did you stay?” I kept answering, “I didn’t want to hurt him.” Then one day, it hit me like a brick. Because of past traumas reinforced by my relationship, I didn’t feel like I deserved any better.

Sometimes it is simply fear that holds them in place. It could be fear of retaliation from the partner should they seek help, or, especially in cases involving verbal abuse and controlling behavior, they feel no one will believe them.

Many times women have taken a stand and decided to leave only to have the abuser decide to end it for all concerned. There have been many cases of this resulting in the death of the woman, and sometimes the children, family and friends, before the abuser turns the weapon on himself—finally putting an end to the vicious cycle.

Many think that that non-physical abuse is not as harmful or dangerous. This can be a huge mistake. Unlike the women who have been physically abused, there are no outward signs of mistreatment. All the wounds and scars are deep within the psyche—branded in the soul of the abused.

Verbal abuse, and the controlling, manipulative behavior that goes along with it, are the silent killers. Instead of taking a physical life, these abusers will kill a woman’s spirit slowly and painfully. Those who are adept at manipulation do this without anyone imagining the truth of the situation. Outwardly they may appear as the “perfect couple.” Inwardly the woman is in tremendous emotional pain and turmoil. She may not trust her own judgment any longer and may think that this is just how things are meant to be.

The signs and symptoms are many and varied, but they all share the same core issues. There are some subtle warning signs to look for. They include, but are not limited to the following:

A woman who is overly critical of herself and always defending her partner.
Someone who never socializes without her spouse or partner being present.
An overbearing partner, or one who treats their partner like a child.
Partner is constantly correcting or showing possessiveness with their actions.
And the obvious: unexplained or suspicious bruises, burns and broken bones.
As a society, we must learn to see and recognize these signs and reach out to help in whatever way we can. It may be nothing more than just assuring them that you’re there if they need to talk and really listening if they do so. And if at all possible, let them know they have a place to stay should they need to leave in a hurry. Keep the Domestic Violence Hotline number handy in case they want to call. Sometimes this is all you can do.

We can all learn to listen better, to see more clearly when someone in our life needs help. Sometimes all these women need in order to seek help is non-judgment, kindness, and presence. Chances are they will open up if they feel safe with you.

There comes a time in all types of these relationships when the victim can’t bear it anymore. She must walk away and seek help. Simply having a friend to go to at such a time can be a lifesaver in every sense of the word.

Leaving a long-term abusive relationship is not as easy as most would think. Women tend to blame themselves and keep hoping that things will improve. If someone comes to you for help, please don’t judge. Accept the fact that things are not always as they seem, and reach out a helping hand.

Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

~

Car crash in Cuba claims life of pioneering founder of St. Paul women’s shelter/Star Tribune

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One of the “mothers” of the Domestic Violence and battered women’s movement died tragically when she was run over by a car in Cuba.

http://www.startribune.com/local/minneapolis/297658941.html

Sharon Rice Vaughan, a national pioneer from the Twin Cities in providing a safe haven to battered women, was run over by a vehicle and killed while visiting Cuba this week, a family member said Thursday. Vaughan, who lived in St. Paul, was 73.

Vaughan was traveling with a hiking group based in Canada when she was hit Tuesday while crossing a street in Havana, said her son, Thomas Vaughan.

As a VISTA volunteer in 1972, Vaughan and her friends began inviting battered women into their homes. Two years later they created Women’s Advocates, converting a home in St. Paul on Grand Avenue near Dale Street into the nation’s first shelter for battered women and their children.

“She was one of the mothers of the movement,” said Shelley Johnson Cline, executive director of the St. Paul and Ramsey County Intervention Project. “She shifted the nation’s perspective on the issue of domestic violence, no doubt about that.”

Once Women’s Advocates was established, “Sharon soon became a powerful spokeswoman for the hidden plight of battered women and their children,” said Carol Robertshaw, who worked with Vaughan in the late 1980s on a University of Minnesota Public Radio (KUOM-AM) documentary series on battered women. For “Breaking the Silence,” Vaughan received the Association for Women in Communications’ national Clarion Award for best radio documentary series in 1988.

In 1989, during a Star Tribune interview marking the shelter’s 15th anniversary, the single mother of three said, “Women’s Advocates’ philosophy was not to diagnose, but to help the woman find resources and give them a safe place to make decisions. That philosophy was adopted by many other shelters.”

Women’s Advocates pushed for years for the legal protection of battered women and children in Minnesota, lobbying for funding of shelters and safe homes. The shelter also campaigned for the state’s Domestic Abuse Act, which became law in 1979 and allows individuals to obtain a court order for protection without having to file for a divorce or legal separation.

Today, the 15-bedroom Women’s Advocates facility offers shelter, meals, clothing, transportation, counseling and other support to about 1,000 women and children a year.

Vaughan was a faculty member (emeritus) at Metropolitan State University in St. Paul, where she developed and headed its program in community violence prevention. She retired in 2009 from Metro State, where she first taught in the early 1970s.

Vaughan also was a longtime member of the Twin Cities’ Women Against Military Madness (WAMM) and a current board co-chair, said one of the peace organization’s founders, Polly Mann.

“She recognized that women and children were most often victims of war and among the most deeply affected,” Mann said. “As a committed antiwar activist, she participated in marches, rallies and many other actions with WAMM.”

Services for Vaughan are scheduled for 11 a.m. April 2 at the Unity Church-Unitarian, 733 Portland Av., St. Paul. Vaughan is survived by siblings Mary Bandt, of North Oaks; Robert Rice, of Jamestown, N.D.; and Margaret Langland, of Columbia, Mo. She was preceded in death by a daughter, Rachel, and is survived by sons Thomas, of Pocatello, Idaho; and Jeremy, of St. Paul.

Paul Walsh • 612-673-4482

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

March 27, 2015 at 10:41 am

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