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Tips on Getting Through the Holidays as Grieving Hero Protective Mothers From The PMA International Team

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Because of the overwhelming response from our members/supporters to our post,
Experiencing the Holidays in a Hero Protective Mother’s World
( link below)
and per your many requests, we have decided to explore some tips on getting through the Holidays as grieving Hero Protective Mothers . Although some of these sites and tips are for parents who have lost a child due to death, some suggestions still apply. Take what resonates with you and leave the rest, with love.

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Six Tips to Cope with Grief During the Holidays
“What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” – Helen Keller
The holidays can be an especially difficult time for parents who have lost their children. So many holiday routines and activities revolve around the gathering of family and friends. Yet, bereaved parents may not feel up for celebrating as usual or embracing holiday traditions that they have in the past. Instead of feeling a sense of loss over what the holidays were supposed to be, we can take this as an opportunity to recreate what they will be for our families from now on. The following are tips for enjoying your holidays in the face of grief:
Make Room for Your Feelings
Create New Traditions
Be Generous with Others
◦ Do things that help you feel connected. Spend time with the people you love. Nurture those relationships.
◦ Give of your time, talents, and skills. Sharing can lift spirits and ease burdens.
Be Generous with Yourself
◦ Expect that you will feel sad sometimes. Or angry. Or alone. These are all appropriate feelings. Don’t think of them as being counter-productive. What they really are is an acknowledgement of the intense love you hold for your child.
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This article is written by a Gloria Horsley /Psychotherapist, Grief Expert

Let Their Light Shine: Three Tips for Getting Through the Holidays After Loss

Holiday Grief Tips

Remember Grief is Physical and Emotional – When responding to the news of a loss stress hormones are released which put our body in a state of heightened awareness. Reminders and memories of the deceased can trigger these stressed neurological pathways for years. Activities such as yoga, Ti Chi, and meditation have been shown through research to calm the mind. Walking, laughing, hugging and expressing gratitude can also calm the mind and release hormones that relax the body. These activities have been shown to be as effective if not more than anti depressants.

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Stress, depression and the holidays: Tips for coping

• Acknowledge your feelings. If someone close to you has recently died or you can’t be with loved ones, realize that it’s normal to feel sadness and grief. It’s OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. You can’t force yourself to be happy just because it’s the holiday season.
• Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others also is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships.
Be realistic. The holidays don’t have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones. For example, if your adult children can’t come to your house, find new ways to celebrate together, such as sharing pictures, emails or videos.

• Try these alternatives:
◦ Donate to a charity in someone’s name.
◦ Give homemade gifts.
◦ Start a family gift exchange.
• Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus and then make your shopping list. That’ll help prevent last-minute scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients. And make sure to line up help for party prep and cleanup.
• Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can’t participate in every project or activity. If it’s not possible to say no when your boss asks you to work overtime, try to remove something else from your agenda to make up for the lost time.
• Don’t abandon healthy habits. Don’t let the holidays become a free-for-all. Overindulgence only adds to your stress and guilt.
Try these suggestions:
◦ Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don’t go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks.
◦ Get plenty of sleep.
◦ Incorporate regular physical activity into each day.
• Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm. 
Some options may include:
◦ Taking a walk at night and stargazing.
◦ Listening to soothing music.
◦ Getting a massage.
◦ Reading a book.
Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.

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64 Tips for Coping with Grief at the Holidays

So here it is – 64 pro-tips for coping with grief at the holidays. Why 64 things? Eh, why not 64 things? Take some. Leave some. Love some. Hate Some. Then tell us what has worked for you in holidays past, or how you plan to cope with the holidays this year. Because the holidays are tough for all of us, the least we can do are share our tips and tricks with one another to make the season just a smidge more tolerable.
• Acknowledge that the holidays will be different and they will be tough.
• Decide which traditions you want to keep.
• Decide which traditions you want to change.
• Create a new tradition in memory of your loved one.
• Decide where you want to spend the holidays – you may want to switch up the location, or it may be of comfort to keep it the same. Either way, make a conscious decision about location.
• Plan ahead and communicate with the people you will spend the holiday with in advance, to make sure everyone is in agreement about traditions and plans.
• Remember that not everyone will be grieving the same way you are grieving.
• Remember that the way others will want to spend the holiday may not match how you want to spend the holiday.
• Put out a ‘memory stocking’, ‘memory box’, or other special place where you and others can write down memories you treasure. Pick a time to read them together.
• Light a candle in your home in memory of the person you’ve lost.
• Include one of your loved one’s favorite dishes in your holiday meal.
• Be honest. Tell people what you DO want to do for the holidays and what you DON’T want to do.
• Make a donation to a charity that was important to your loved one in their name.
• Buy a gift you would have given to your loved one and donate it to a local charity.
• If you are feeling really ambitious, adopt a family in memory of your loved one. This can often be done through a church, salvation army, or good will.
• See a counselor. Maybe you’ve been putting it off. The holidays are especially tough, so this may be the time to talk to someone.

• Send a holiday card to friends of your loved one who you may regret having lost touch with.

• Journal when you are having an especially bad day.
• Skip holiday events if you are in holiday overload.
• Don’t feel guilty about skipping events if you are in holiday overload!
Don’t get trapped. When you go to holiday events, drive yourself so you can leave if it gets to be too much.

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And don’t forget to check out our very own Wounded Healer series courtesy of our Healing and Prayer Network with valuable healing tips year around, but especially useful during this difficult Holiday time.


We hope some of these suggestions help you through this difficult Holiday, especially for those Hero Protective Moms without their children. Please know you are not alone. We walk beside you and are connected to you through our hearts.

Protective Moms- never forget you are Heroes.
Merry Christmas, Here’s to a better New Year.


Much Love,
The PMA International Team


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Why Smart People Accept Unacceptable Behavior / Beyond Boundaries Dr. John Townsend

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Originally posted on Beyond Boundaries website ( link below )
From the book Beyond Boundaries by Dr. John Townsend


When I (Dr. Townsend) guide people through a process of examining a previous difficult relationship, the one question I have found most helpful is this: What was the “payoff” in your choice? In other words, what good things did you think you’d get when you began a relationship with that person?

We wind up with difficult people for a reason—there was something we valued, wanted, or hoped for. And because the need was strong, we may not have paid attention to something unacceptable in that person’s character. We either minimized or denied some sign, some reality, some warning light that all was not well. And the character problem ended up being a bigger deal than we thought.

When smart people accept unacceptable relationships, they tend to see traits and abilities in others that they think will make life better for them. We see positive aspects of a person’s psyche that we are drawn to or feel we need. A longing for them dulls an awareness of that person’s darker side. Here are a few examples. For some period of time in the relationship, the person had the following:

Warmth: She was gentle and nurturing with me
Affirmation: He saw the good in me
Safety: He did not condemn or judge me
Structure: She was organized and got things done
Humor: She helped lighten the burdens and cheered me up
A great family: His relatives were much healthier than mine
Drive: She was focused and knew where she was going
Initiative: She took risks and was brave in making decisions
Competency: He was talented, and I needed his talent in my organization
People skills: He handled people better than I did, so I depended on him
Intelligence: She was smart, and I needed smarts in my department
In the toughest cases, the trait is simply that “he liked me.” That is, sometimes people feel so alone and desperate that they are grateful just for someone to be pursuing them, no matter what that person’s character may be.


We have an ability to spin the truth when it comes to our relationships. When we want something so badly that we ignore reality. Love is not blind, but desire can be. Here are some examples of how we spin the truth:

You allowed him to control you because you were weak and afraid.
You ignored detachment and disconnection because she was a nice person.
You minimized irresponsibility because she had a great personality and charm.
You put up with his tendency to divide people on the team because he was a good strategist.
You didn’t pay attention to childishness because she was needy, and you felt protective.
You let him into your life because you were compliant and guilt-based, and he was free and a rebel.
Do you see how the problem occurs? It is an insidious process. It tends to occur slowly over time. The good aspects are generally apparent and right out there. The bad ones don’t come out until later, when the euphoria wears off and the honeymoon is over. We are simply not aware of the repercussions while we are in the middle of the relationship. Instead, we are focused on solving problems, improving things, questioning our own judgment, and trying to be positive about it all. It’s not until later, after we have some distance, that we can gain clarity and perspective on the true dynamics of what went on.

Here are a few questions to help you review your relationships and gain some helpful insights:

What drew me to this person?
What led me to think this person had what I needed?
When did I first notice a significant problem in the relationship?
How did I minimize the problem in order to get the good from the person?
What was the result of minimizing the problem?
The information you gather here will help you avoid these issues in future relationships. This doesn’t mean that the other person has some plan or agenda to hook you in. This occurs sometimes, but certainly not always. In most cases, difficult people are responding to their own issues but remain unaware of them or the impact they have on others. I say this to prevent you from feeling like you were sucked into a trap. Most of the time, both parties are in a dysfunctional dance, and neither one knows what’s going on. The difference now is that you can choose to stop dancing so that your future will be better than your past!


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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

August 4, 2014 at 1:20 am

CORD CUTTING MEDITATION/ Wounded Healer; The Series Part 3

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Our intention for the PMA International Healing and Prayer Network’ Wounded Healer Series Part 3 is to present a variety of healing modalities, and be inclusive of various spiritual and religious beliefs. For those who feel aligned with this particular healing method, we hope you enjoy and find it helpful. Feel free to leave your thoughts, tips, and experiences in using this method in the comment section below. Light , Love and Peace. The PMA INTL. Healing and Prayer team.


WHAT are “CORDs”?: Cords are energetic spiritual attachments that occur when your individual energy, emotion and desires/intentions connects to the energy, emotion and desires/intentions of another person. The other person can be anyone—friend, family, co-worker, spouse/partner, etc.

The cord is unseen but can be felt in the chemistry between two people, it is the underlying energy, and bond, you share with another person. The more connected you are the more you will share. Have you ever needed a shoulder to cry on, and called a friend, who seemed to have just the right words to provide comfort? Have you ever been able to sense your children needed something before they communicated the need to you? Have you came into your workplace feeling good but stress in the environment affects your mood? These are all examples of how the Cord works in everyday life when we share energy and interact with others. Cords can be connected in healthy or unhealthy ways. If the energetic cord connection is unhealthy, you would want to cut the energetic cord. This is what we are addressing in the process below.

WHAT IS CORD CUTTING? The spiritual process of “Cord Cutting” is based on the theory that when we enter into relationship with a person, an energetic thread or cord is activated. When that energy is healthy, you will feel a positive benefit in your life, and mutually grow with that person. But there are also times you may feel the need to “Cut the Cord” with someone. As we move through life, often these relationships no longer are what we need or want them to be. “Cord Cutting” allows for the energetic thread that has been running to be cut. Sometimes the energy you share is for a reason or purpose that runs its course then that person moves out of your life. Sometimes the energy you share is not healthy for you, and you find yourself in an abusive or controlling relationship, or one that stifles your own energy. Or, sometimes you need to establish boundaries, and keep people at a distance. An unhealthy psychic cord can create problems on emotional, subconscious, spiritual, energetic, and physical levels. Although symptoms of cords can vary greatly, an individual will typically feel drained from specific relationships when a cord is present. These are all reasons to remove yourself from that close relationship, and draw your energy out of their circle of influence.

CUTTING THE CORD FROM PAST EVENTS: You can also carry the energy of past events with you, drawing them into the Cord. For a person with a history of abuse, this can be particularly problematic. Cords can be attached in an unhealthy way. This typically happens when someone believes that their self worth is dependent on their partner- as in abusive relationships. The beliefs that creates unhealthy cord attachments stem from unsatisfied needs and deeply held emotional patterns. This may be, in part, why people who’ve been involved with a personality disordered person often seem to repeatedly attract the same type of people in their lives. Or, if history seems to be repeating in certain areas, it can indicate an unhealthy energy. Other times, people get triggered, and have difficulty breaking free, and find themselves acting from a place that does not reflect who they are in the present. That may indicate you are carrying an energetic pattern of the past with you. Cutting the Cord with the past can help release you from old emotional or energetic ties that hold you back. It may help facilitate healing, and allow you to move forward with your life.


SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO CUT THE CORD: Cord cutting requires a certain amount of energy as is best done when you are well rested, and relaxed. It is also quite intentional, so being firm in your intent to let go is important. You don’t have to enjoy letting go; you just have to be intent on letting go. Cutting cords is a little like pulling weeds. Just as in pulling weeds, while cutting cords you have to get all the root out.

It is best to do it at a time when you can be alone and are assured of not being interrupted. Have yourself in a prayerful meditative state and well grounded.

You may need to turn off your phone. Or chose a time of day that is less busy for you. It may help to draw the curtains, play relaxing music or wear comfortable clothing. If you choose you may use essential oils or incense such as Spruce, Rose, Sage, Lavender. Another strong aspect of cutting cords is visualization, and also breathing, taking long full breaths, and strong exhalations, releasing as you exhale.

Cord cutting Visualization
Please note; this visualization may be changed to fit your personal spiritual and /or religious belief.
1. Close you eyes and get in a comfortable position and begin a pattern of consistent breathing, taking long full breaths, and strong exhalations, releasing as you exhale.

2 Call upon God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, your spiritual guides, Archangel Michael, your Higher Self, saints, angels etc., to help you with this process

3.Feel your lower chakras being grounded in the earth and your top four chakras opening and receiving the sustaining assisting energies of those you have invited and asked for help.
Note; for an explanation on Chakras, please follow the link below to a previous post


Or, imagine your feet grounded into the earth like droplets of rain nourishing the grass, slowly sinking into the soil. Slowly wiggle your toes as you breathe deeply. Imagine your upper body and arms reaching towards the sky, sinking in the warm rays of the sun, receiving the sustaining assisting energies of those you have invited and asked for help.

4. Visualize yourself in a favorite safe healing place .It may be an actual place, a place that you enjoyed at one time or an imaginary one but what is of utmost importance is that you see it as a safe place.

5. Once in your safe place see yourself surrounded by a ball of pure white light., with Jesus, your Higher self, Angels or Archangel Michael standing by to assist you. Using whatever spiritual higher being that is in alignment with your personal belief system is important.

6. Call forth the individual that you wish to cut the negative cords of attachments from.

7. Visualize the individual standing in front of you, look down and imagine the cord that exists between you. The cord might be attached from navel to navel and is usually dark and thick, although there can be variations on the theme. It is important to realize that you are only cutting the cords of attachment that detract or cause conflict in the relationship

8. From your safe place, you are protected and from a place of power speak your feelings to the person that you are doing the cord cutting with. This means that you say anything and everything that you need to say in order to clear the slate and release all pent-up energies and emotions that you have been holding inside but have been unable to express for one reason or another. It is important that you speak from a place of power, even if you could never do so with the person in real life. Remember you are in a safe place and are protected by the Light, angels and God.

9. In your mind’s eye, while you continue to stand, ask God, angels, or Archangel Michael or your protector to borrow a spiritual sword, giving you the power to cut the cord.


10. Begin to say out loud I now cut and release the cords of this relationship (say the name), and while you are saying this begin to move your arms as if you were holding a sword and cut all around you. You want to cut all around your body, remembering to cut above you and send intent, and or visualize the sword going below you to cut the roots of the relationship. If you can visualize you might also pull up the roots and pluck them out of your field while continuing to cut with the sword. Your intention is the key.

11. When you feel you are finished with that person/relationship you may feel as if a weight is lifted off of you, you may find it easier to breathe. You may experience a calm or peaceable sensation. Or receive a new insight. Take a moment to breathe, and notice how you are feelings. You may need to repeat Step 10. If you feel the Cord has been severed move on to Step 12.

12. Pause and breathe for a minute or so, and ask for the Violet Light, the Golden Light, The Highest Divine Light, the Light of God, or the Holy Spirit, (all or whatever works for you) to move around you, through you, above and below you, filling each aspect of yourself with the Highest Light and Love. Allow your heart to really open and feel your connection to yourself and the Divine. In doing this visualization you have created a void, by calling in the Divine and more of your higher Self, you bring in what you need to go forth and have the relationships you want to have.


13. While you are bringing in and receiving the Highest Light and more of your Higher Self, you can begin to allow yourself to fill up with gratitude and start thanking those who have helped you in this ceremony.
14. If possible, now is a good time for you to simply relax, and rest. You might even want to take a nap. You may feel hungry, or drained, or simply peaceful.
Continue this visualization once a month and observe to see any changes brought about because of this meditation. Changes may not happen right away, so continuing the visualization one a month for a while may be needed.

Healing From Narcissist Abuse

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Excellent article on narcissists. Originally posted on Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD ~ A journey to healing from complex trauma.
( link below)

Narcissists thrive only for themselves. They are completely self motivated, feel entitled to everything they want to do, have no compassion and no remorse. They lack empathy completely.

Narcissists and sociopaths, operate in similar ways.

They use you as prey.

They get close to you, build up your trust, mimic your emotions, take full advantage of your vulnerability, get you on your own, build a relationship where you begin to need them and depend on them.

They groom you and are highly clever at this.

They are emotional vampires, and narcissists are dangerous, abusive people.

Then once they are done with you, or you leave them, it all changes.

The narcissists worst nightmare is being exposed.

They will resist this at all costs, lie, deceive, deny and manipulate those around them, they will act outraged at what you are doing to ‘them’ and if all else fails, will manipulate those around them into believing they are the victim.

Not once in all of this, do they actually care about their ‘supply’.

All the fake emotions they have shown, all the words they used to ‘reel you in’, all the ‘I love you’s’ and ‘I care deeply about you’ and ‘I want to help you’s’ , were all fake, they didn’t mean a word of it.

Once exposed, you see their real motives and their real feelings about you.

Then, they are hot on the pursuit of ensuring no-one believes their ‘supply’ and will set out with the help of their supporters, to make you seem crazy, or a liar, or evil.

All along, they have no concept of the fact that they have ripped your heart out, stomped all over it and the pain you are left in.

They have no empathy for the hurt they caused, just a complete sense of entitlement, complete lack of insight, complete lack of courage to face what they have done.

And complete lack of love, care, compassion or empathy.

It takes a long time to recover from narcissistic abuse and it’s so hard for many victims to just watch them carry on enjoying their lives, whilst the victim grieves, is confused, is hurt and cannot understand how they can do this, after all they had said and done.

It’s so hard for victims to understand how they were not loved at all, just used and abused, chewed up and then spat back out of the devils mouth and left to deal with all the hurt and pain and deal with others who now believe a whole pack of lies too.

Recovery is slow and painful, especially when it is multiple narc/sociopath abusers and especially when the abuse is still raw.

Recovery includes grieving, twice.

Grieving the person you thought they were who you loved and believed loved you too and then grieving the real person they are, the narc, who never cared and used you as supply, with no remorse.

Matt 7:6 Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

I will never forget this verse.

Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

June 16, 2014 at 3:47 am

Care More… BE That Change!!

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To All Protective Mothers, Much Love From PMA International

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I Will Not Be Broken- Bonnie Raitt

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I Will Not Be Broken– Bonnie Raitt

Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can’t hold what’s within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I’m not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I will not be…

I won’t let you near it
I will let my spirit fly
Oh take me down

Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can’t hold what’s within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I’m not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I will not be…

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