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Chronic Lying is a Signature Trait of the Narcissistic Personality/Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life By Linda Martinez-Lewi PHD

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http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Chronic Lying is a Signature Trait of the Narcissistic Personality
(This refers to male and female narcissists).
“Lies roll off the tongue of a narcissist as smoothly as butter melting on hot bread…A lie is a handy tool the narcissist uses to enhance and protect the image he has so painstakingly built…He (the narcissist) knows that he can lie and get away with it….Lying for him is a shortcut on a crowded highway. It is a free ride in the fast lane (of life)… (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)
How Narcissists lie:
During divorce wars they always hide the financial assets and tell you they have nothing.
Narcissistic mothers tell their scapegoated child that she/he is ugly, stupid and will never succeed.
Narcissistic siblings lie, cheat and steal to get the family inheritance.
Narcissists always lie when they have innumerable others throughout a marriage and pretend that they have sterling characters. .
Narcissists lie to judges and lawyers during divorce proceedings.
Narcissists get others to lie for them whenever it is convenient and more lucrative for them.
Narcissistic mothers lie to their other children about the scapegoated child and turn one sibling against the other.
Narcissists always lie about money–how much they have, don’t have, where it is hidden, from whom they “borrowed” it.
Narcissists lie about their educations and degrees to maintain and build their perfect image.
Narcissistic parents never tell the truth to their children and cause tremendous psychological and emotional pain.
Narcissistic co-workers lie about your good character and turn others against you.

I welcome your adding to this very long list. The more that we know and understand about the true nature of the narcissistic personality, the more we are empowered to maintain our separateness, integrity, psychological and emotional well being as individuals.

psychopathy

Mirror, mirror…Who’s more narcissistic?/ Dr Drew HLN

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http://www.hlntv.com/article/2015/03/06/whos-most-narcissistic-men-or-women

Which is the more narcissistic of the sexes?

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Men! That’s according to a study published in the journal Psychological Bulletin, which drew from a pile of data collected from 475,000 participants over three decades.

Researchers at the University at Buffalo School of Management looked at how each gender measured up in three aspects of narcissism: leadership/authority, grandiose/exhibitionism and entitlement.

Men outscored women by the widest gap on their likelihood to exploit other people. In terms of leadership/authority…you guessed it: “Compared with women, men exhibit more assertiveness and desire for power,” says Emily Grijalva, Ph.D., the study’s lead author. But when it came to exhibitionism, both genders were equally guilty of vanity and self-absorption.

Narcissistic personality disorder is not the same thing as healthy self-esteem. According to Psychology Today, self-esteem represents “an attitude built on accomplishments we’ve mastered … and care we’ve shown toward others.” Narcissism, on the other hand, comes from fear and inadequacy. It “encourages envy and hostile rivalries [and]…favors dominance.”

Keith Campbell, a professor of psychology at the University of Georgia and the author of “The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement” told CBS News he believes narcissism is genetic and cultural. “Telling your child he’s special has risks,” said Campbell.

So, how does narcissism manifest itself? Askmen.com reports on the Buffalo study, which cites a variety of behaviors, including the “inability to maintain healthy long-term relationships, aggression in response to perceived threats … academic dishonesty, white-collar crime,” etc.

Does that make Segun Oduolowu, a social commentator who appears on HLN’s “Dr. Drew on Call” a narcissist? Last year, during a segment about the personality of Russian leader Vladimir Putin, Oduolowu quipped “I’m a card-carrying narcissist myself…I’m on TV. But I don’t take my shirt off as much as this guy, and he runs a country.” Today, Segun clarified that he was joking: “As a television personality, one must think highly of himself. However, true narcissism is destructive. There’s a fine line between self-confidence and conceit.”

Dr. Drew On Call airs Monday through Thursday on HLN at 9 p.m. ET. Follow the show on Facebook and Twitter @DrDrewHLN.

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

March 11, 2015 at 3:56 am

Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor in 6 Steps/ Sam Vaknin

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

January 12, 2015 at 4:00 am

Narcissist Personality Disorder

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

December 17, 2014 at 6:01 am

The Gray Rock Method of Dealing with Psychopaths/ Love Fraud

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The original article below was posted on Love Fraud.com (link below)

http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Editor’s note: At the request of readers, the Lovefraud member “Skylar” has contributed the following article.

When dealing with malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, drama queens, stalkers and other emotional vampires, it’s commonly advised that no response is the best response to unwanted attention. This is often true and No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible.

There are some situations however, when No Contact is not feasible, as in when you share child custody with a psychopath. As another example, if you are being stalked by an ex, a restraining order can infuriate the unwanted suitor, and refusing to respond to him or her is seen as an insult. They might become convinced that they can MAKE you respond and in that way satiate their need for power over you.

Furthermore, many of us have tried to end a relationship with a psychopath several times, only to take them back, each time. They turned on the pity ploy and the charm, and because we didn’t understand that this is what a psychopath does, we fell for their promises to change. They know all of our emotional hooks. For them, it’s easy and fun to lure us back by appealing to our emotions. But a psychopath can’t change. In fact, when you leave a psychopath, he becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous.

Even if we don’t take them back, the most dangerous time for a person is when they first break up with a psychopath. The psychopath feels rage at being discarded. Losing control or power over a person is not just a narcissistic injury for them; they feel profoundly empty when their partner leaves them — even if they had intended to kill their partner. The reason is because they have lost control. Psychopaths need to feel in control at all times.

For all these situations, we have Gray Rock.

What it is:


So, how do we escape this parasitical leech without triggering his vindictive rage? Gray Rock is primarily a way of encouraging a psychopath, a stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you. It differs from No Contact in that you don’t overtly try to avoid contact with these emotional vampires. Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that the parasite must go elsewhere for his supply of drama. When contact with you is consistently unsatisfying for the psychopath, his mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama. Psychopaths are addicted to drama and they can’t stand to be bored. With time, he will find a new person to provide drama and he will find himself drawn to you less and less often. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. Gray Rock is a way of training the psychopath to view you as an unsatisfying pursuit — you bore him and he can’t stand boredom.

What it’s for:

Making a psychopath go away of his own volition is one application of Gray Rock. One might say that Gray Rock is a way of breaking up with a psychopath by using the old, “It’s not you, it’s me.” excuse, except that you act it out instead of saying it and the psychopath comes to that conclusion on his own.

Another reason to use Gray Rock is to avoid becoming a target in the first place. If you find yourself in the company of one or more narcissistic personalities — perhaps you work with them or they are members of your family — it’s important to avoid triggering their ENVY. By using Gray Rock, you fade into the background. It’s possible they won’t even remember having met you. If you have already inadvertently attracted their attention and they have already begun to focus in on you, you can still use Gray Rock. Tell them you are boring. Describe a boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores you accomplished that day — in detail. Some people are naturally lacking in dramatic flair. Find those people and try to hang around them when the psychopath is nearby.

If you must continue a relationship with a psychopath, Gray Rock can serve you as well. Parents sharing joint custody with a psychopathic ex-spouse can use Gray Rock when the ex-spouse tries to trigger their emotions. I acknowledge that any threat to the well-being of our children is overwhelmingly anxiety provoking. Here is where Gray Rock can be applied selectively to draw attention away from what really matters to you. In general, show no emotion to the offending behaviors or words. The psychopath will try different tactics to see which ones get a reaction. With Selective Gray Rock, you choose to respond to the tactic which matters least to you. This will focus the psychopath’s attention on that issue. Remember, the psychopath has no values, so he doesn’t understand what is valuable to us — unless we show him. Selective Gray Rock shows him a decoy. When protecting our children, we can take a lesson from nature: Bird parents who have fledglings are known to feign a broken wing when a predator is in the vicinity. They fake a vulnerability to detract the cat’s attention from their real vulnerability, their babies. In this example, Selective Gray Rock fades all emotions into the background except the ones you want the predator to see.

Why it works:


A psychopath is easily bored. He or she needs constant stimulation to ward off boredom. It isn’t the type of boredom that normal people experience; it’s more like the French word, ennui, which refers to an oppressive boredom or listlessness. Drama is a psychopath’s remedy for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and some players. Once the drama begins, they feel complete and alive again. They are empowered when pulling the strings that elicit our emotions. Any kind of emotions will do, as long as it is a response to their actions.

A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. He is keenly aware of this and needs to constantly test to make sure we are still under his control. He needs to know that we are still eager to do his bidding, make him happy and avoid his wrath. He needs to create drama so he can experience the power of manipulating our emotions. As with any addiction, it is exhilarating to the psychopath when he gets his supply of emotional responses. The more times he experiences a reward for his dramatic behavior, the more addicted he becomes. Conversely, when the reward stops coming, he becomes agitated. He experiences oppressive boredom and he will counter it by creating more drama. If we stay the course and show no emotions, the psychopath will eventually decide that his toy is broken. It doesn’t squirt emotions when he squeezes it anymore! Most likely, he will slither away to find a new toy.

The Gray Rock technique does come with a caveat: psychopaths are dangerous people, if you are in a relationship with one that has already decided to kill you, it will be difficult to change his mind. He may already be poisoning you or sabotaging your vehicle. Take all necessary precautions. In this case, Gray Rock can only hope to buy time until you can make your escape.

How it works:


Psychopaths are attracted to shiny, pretty things that move fast and to bright lights. These things, signal excitement and relieve the psychopath’s ever-present ennui. Your emotional responses are his food of choice, but they aren’t the only things he wants.

He envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he wants whatever you value. You must hide anything that he will notice and envy. If you happen to be very good looking, you need to change that during this time. Use makeup to add bags under your eyes. If you aren’t married to the psychopath, any money or assets he covets should disappear “in a bad investment decision” (consult with your attorney on this). Your shiny sports car has to go, get a beater. If you have a sparkling reputation, anticipate that he will or has already begun to slander you; therefore, don’t allow yourself to be put into any compromising position or pushed into erratic behavior. The reason he wants to take these things from you, is not necessarily because he wants them for himself, it’s because he wants to see the emotions on your face when you lose them. He wants the power trip associated with being the one who took them from you. By preemptively removing these things from his vision and not reacting with emotion at the losses, you continue to train him with the idea that you are the most boring person on earth, someone he would never want to be.

Origin of Gray Rock:


In 2009, I left my psychopathic partner after 25 years, but I didn’t understand what was wrong with him. I sat in a sushi bar, lost in confusion, when a tall, athletic man introduced himself. To my own surprise, I instinctively poured out my story to him. This complete stranger listened to my story and then he explained to me that I was dealing with a malignant narcissist. He advised me, “Be boring.” He told me that his girlfriend would come home each night, begin drinking and become abusive. They were both professionals who traveled in the same professional circles. He knew that she would stalk him if he broke up with her and he didn’t want to risk the slander and drama which could leak out and damage his professional reputation.

His solution was to be so boring that she would simply leave him. He declined to go out on evenings and weekends. He showed no emotional reaction about anything, no interest in anything and responded with no drama. When she asked if he wanted to go out for dinner, his reply was, “I don’t know.” After a few months of no drama, she simply moved out.

Why is it called Gray Rock?

I chose the words Gray Rock because I needed an object for us to channel when we are in an emotionally charged situation. You don’t just practice Gray Rock, you BECOME a Gray Rock. There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don’t remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. Your boring persona will camouflage you and the psychopath won’t even notice you were there. The stranger in the sushi bar showed great insight when he advised me to “be boring.” He struck at the heart of the psychopath’s motivation: to avoid boredom.

In nature, there are many plants and creatures that show us how to survive in a world of predators. Among others, birds feign injury to protect their babies and mice play dead until the cat loses interest. Both of these tactics can be useful and they can be channeled when applicable. Yet, it’s difficult to calculate each and every move that a psychopath will make and to determine the best course of action each time. Instead of trying to out-think him, channel the gray rock. This simple, humble object in nature has all the wisdom it needs to avoid being noticed, it’s boring.

Copyright © 2012 Skylar

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

December 17, 2014 at 1:03 am

“Im Ready to Move ON!!!” – Why Does Recovery Take So Long?/ After Narcissistic Abuse There is Light, Life, Love & Laughter

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This article was originally posted on After Narcissistic Abuse There is Light, Life, Love & Laughter
( link below)

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2014/05/16/im-ready-to-move-on-why-does-recovery-take-so-long/

Speaking with other survivors / targets of narcissists, I’ve identified that there’s a common & rather grave concern about the amount of time it takes to recover from narcissistic abuse.

Recovery from this trauma waxes and wanes with such unpredictable and strong waves that it’s not difficult for even the seasoned “veteran” among us to get shaken up a bit by the years that seem to drift by while we’re WORKING ON THINGS. It feels as if we’ll never get better.

Ptsd certainly presents a conducive hyper alert state anyway, triggers can result from the most unlikely sources and there you are, trembling – struggling to stand up to someone who’s bullying you, calling you names or threatening you or some other version of narc memories as if they’re happening currently in loud and vivid color.

The areas of our lives that are impacted by narc abuse are so far reaching that it deeply sinks into the cores of our beings, our identities – and stays with us like an unwelcome visitor. Not one area was NOT affected by this abuse: Our Emotional, Mental, Spiritual, and even Physical lives forever altered by narcissism. It makes sense why each area of repair takes a very long time before we feel completely recovered from narcissistic abuse.

Life circumstances always seem to draw us back into the trauma. We vividly relive the moments we were muted and taunted by a terrorist who said they loved us.

Events on the job make us sensitive. Too many times, reminders exist in the office bully who finds you to be a sweet target. If we’ve mastered the art of avoidance, we run from job to job, hoping to find an environment that doesn’t threaten us.

People we bump into, socially remind us ever so slightly of the way the narc squinted, jerked quickly around in response to a remark, on and on, too many seemingly innocuous triggers to list.

We may have failed relationship after failed relationship, with one after another, and question what we are doing wrong – which leads us back to validating what the narc said about us all along – that we’d end up alone. We fear they’ll always have a hold on our future; this ghost of our past.

We may hear that the narcissist is up to their old tricks, getting away with their crimes all over again or hear that the narcissist is succeeding somehow and have feelings that the narcissist is doing so much better than we are: permanently scarred and traumatized, while they dance off into the sunset, unscathed.

We may have vengeful thoughts or desires for karma to hurry it’s arrival only to feel guilty for not forgiving or moving on sooner or “with more grace” or sportsmanlike conduct.

When did WE become OUR OWN ENEMY?

Is this a permanent flea we’ve picked up from the narcissist? Are we now tied forever to the darkest part of our lives?

Although we know we are responsible, how do we delete these memories or make them fade to black and white? How do we make them less powerful?

I didn’t use to be so fearful of people. I had the impression that every person I met would be a friend. Now, I worry that every person will be an enemy in sheep’s clothing. This protection seems to be a new requirement after narc abuse; for how can we imagine not building this boundary when to not do so, would be to our peril? Every person we are getting to know is a potential predator. Once we’ve been traumatized by a narcissist, our innocence is forever stolen.

The realization that it’s been SO DAMN LONG, is no other way to put it: DEPRESSING. I hear this time and again. When I share with someone who’s been out quite a long time, it surprises me to hear we share the same sentiment: “When the hell is this going to be over!??” Again and again, I hear, “When you find “the cure” let me know!” These are people that I admire greatly and consider VERY STRONG people yet, they’re struggling to let go of fear, anger, retribution, and even hate.

I may not have all the answers, but I can honestly say, I am completely OPEN to God, to give me the answer to this one last piece of the puzzle…HOW DO WE PUT NARCISSISTIC ABUSE BEHIND US, 100%, ONCE AND FOR ALL?

Stay tuned . . .

psychopathy

Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

December 11, 2014 at 3:12 am

Deep Insights into Narcissistic Parents: Going Behind Their Controlling Behavior and Mapping out Its Long Term Consequences

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This article was originally posted on Positive Parenting-Ally.com ( link below)
http://www.positive-parenting-ally.com/narcissistic-parents.html

A Description of the Archetypical Narcissistic Parent
– Recognize This?

What are narcissistic parents?

Well, I think most of us have actually already encountered one or two parents that could probably be labelled narcissistic to a more or less degree.

Here’s the archetypical description of these kinds of toxic parents:

Imagine yourself being present at one of your kids’ sports activities. For instance at the dance studios or soccer field sidelines.

You now take your time to look around at the other parents.

Now, the narcissist parents may ones that at first seem positively and enthusiastically engaged in their kids’ performances.

Ok, being involved in your kids is good. So what’s the problem?

Well, at closer look, it may feel as these parents’ aim is less to support their children and more about wanting to make sure that their children’s skills and abilities are duly noticed and properly approved of.

In other words, it seems as if their engagement is more about ensuring externally recognized performance than being joyfully involved with their kids!

To enhance the approval of their child, these parents will typically be calling attention to their child (and thereby themselves) by overemphasizing and praising their achievements.

Another thing that is characteristic is this: Narcissistic parents tend to be very organized and seeming to have their children’s future all mapped out.

They fill their children’s calendar with various activities focussed on improving their skills in various areas and immerse themselves into their children’s lives whenever possible e.g. by running every event or sitting on every council.

Why do narcissists seem to put so much focus on their children?

Well, it all comes down to needs!

Read on!

A Narcissistic Parent Puts His or Her Own Needs for Recognition Before the Basic Needs of His or Her Child
At first glace, living the life of a narcissistic parent seems like a true self sacrifice.

Everything is about the child and it looks as if the parent gives up a lot of adult pleasures to be involved in their children’s life and activities.

However, as it happens the child is not an end, the child is a means for something else. Attention, among other things.

The self sacrifice is not actually a sacrifice! The self sacrifice is a self written, fictional story that aims at justifying the egoic need that lies behind the ‘self-less’ actions.

You see, the child becomes a means for the parent to live out his or her own unfulfilled needs. Often these unfulfilled needs go all the way back to their own childhood.

Also without being consciously aware of it, they place a huge responsibility upon their children’s shoulders.

The child’s job is to live out the lifelong dream that they themselves never got around to or had the opportunity to.

Even though narcissistic parents (or toxic parents as they are also called) often love their children and perhaps think that by pacing their children they are paving the way for the children’s future success, their primary motive is satisfaction of their own needs of external recognition. Not the needs of their children!

Narcissistic Parents Mold Children to Fit Their Own Ideal Image
Hands molding a cup of clay. How a narcissist would mold their kids.

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A newborn is completely dependent on his parents to meet his most basic physical needs.

However, the narcissistic parent will attempt to perpetuate this dependence to the point where the child is not permitted to develop his or her own identity but is rather forced to become ‘one with’ the narcissist until there is no perceived difference (on the part of the narcissistic parent) between the parent and the child.

In this way the child is considered to be part of the narcissist parent.

From the parent’s unconscious point of view, the child becomes an instrumental extension of himself or herself.

The child becomes the parent’s source of “narcissistic supply” and the means of satisfying the parent’s high need for attention.

These children are molded and shaped to realize their parent’s dreams, goals, and fantasies. It is ‘life by proxy’.

A List of Archetypical Narcissistic Traits
The character traits of these kinds of toxic parents may be seen in a hundred different ways and to list all these traits would take several pages and an endless amount of your time.

However, there are a few major factors that generally describe the typical narcissistic parent.

1) Narcissist Parents Take Ownership of Their Children’s Successes
As mentioned, the narcissistic parent feels deprived of recognition and lets this unfulfilled need guide their actions.

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In other words, the goal is personal attention and external recognition.

If the child doesn’t live up to these unspoken needs, the parents may react with quite a large emotional scale ranging from contempt, rage, pouting, silence to emotional, psychological, and even physical abuse, at the extreme end.

Basically, there is an unwritten, one-way agreement from parents to child, and when the parents feel that children are reneging on this agreement, they will feel they have been unjustly treated and betrayed.

In their mind they have ‘sacrificed’ everything for their children’s successes, remember!

However, when the children are successful, the parents tend to take credit for their children’s successes.

For example, if a child is congratulated for an award or recognition, the narcissistic parent might respond with something like, “He gets his academic ability from me. When I was his age I always had the highest grade in the class.”

Or, “I spend hours at the hockey arena, get up early every morning to take him to practice, and work extra hours to make sure he always has the best equipment.”

It sounds good, but what they are really saying is, “I have sacrificed my entire life for my child. They wouldn’t be where they are if it wasn’t for me, therefore, I am the one that really deserves the accolades.”

In some cases, this can even go so far that the parents become envious or jealous of the children’s recognitions and accomplishments.

Needless to say, this may cause a lot of confusion since these children are simply pursuing the goals outlined by their parents, yet they receive conflicting emotions when they realize success.

2) Narcissist Parents Struggle with Empathy and Emotional Connection
The personal needs of these parents are so overwhelming and dominant, that there is little space for the needs of others.

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This means that they have tremendous difficulty with tuning in to their children’s thoughts and feelings. Their own feelings and unmet needs simply overshadow everything.

Think about it! When you find yourself in emotional turmoil how much are you able to not only feel other people but also satisfy their emotional needs? Not much!

According to statistics, narcissist parents were most likely raised by narcissists who were unable to give them the unconditional love they needed.

As a result, when these children have children of their own, they tend to perpetuate the cycle because they are constantly focused on their own unmet needs.

3) Narcissists Often Use Emotional Blackmail

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Narcissistic parents can be indulgent and very affectionate as long as children are obedient. However, they might also become angry when faced with disobedience.

The showing of love is conditioned on how good the children make the parents feel, and this inconsistency or unpredictability tends to create emotional insecurity and co-dependence.

The parent needs the child in order to feel good. And the other way around the child becomes responsible if the parent feels bad.

Children become confused by the vacillation between approval and punishment, and these mixed signals may cause feelings of betrayal because the same person who gives them love and stability is also the one who takes it away.

Very unbalanced narcissist parents will often be engaged in criticizing their children and then justifying these actions by saying that they are just trying to help because they ‘know what is best’.

They tend to make demeaning comments and might use favoritism or comparison between siblings or friends as a form of manipulation. They will constantly exalt one child and list all their good points with the implication that another child is unworthy or does not measure up.

As adults, children raised by such toxic parents may feel like they have to earn love. That love is dependent on something else, like their achievements.

Because of the unstable emotional climate in their childhood, as adults they fear abandonment if they do not perform according to expectations.

In order to ensure that they are needed, they often perceive their primary role to be ‘taking care’ of their spouse, partner, parent, friend, or employer.

4) Narcissistic Parents Must Always Be in Control

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Parents with narcissistic personalities exercise controlling behavior by telling their children how they should feel, how they should behave, and what decisions they should make.

The result may be that these children never really develop their own interests because they are always being told what their preferences should be. In this way the space for children’s autonomy is very little.

As children grow, the natural desire is to pursue the development of their personality, independence, and boundaries.

However, independence is a threat to a narcissist parent because the consequence is that they will not be needed anymore. Remember, children are the source of narcissistic supply or self-esteem.

In an attempt to maintain status quo, narcissistic parents might resort to various types of controlling behavior and control mechanisms in order to enforce compliance and prevent autonomy.

Control Mechanisms and Controlling Behavior
There are several control mechanisms that narcissist parents might employ to have their children meet their needs.

1) Guilt Driven Control:
This kind of control says, “I have given my life for you. I have sacrificed everything for you.”

It creates a sense of obligation in children and makes them feel as if they ‘owe’ their parents and must show their appreciation by making them happy or complying with their wishes.

2) Co-Dependent Control:
This kind of control says, “I need you. I cannot face life without you.”

Children are often prevented from having their own relationships or friendships because it threatens their status in the parents’ lives.

In this way, children come to feel responsible for their parents’ happiness and well-being and are easily manipulated through guilt.

3) Goal Driven Control:
This kind of control says, “We must work together to achieve a common goal.”

Unfortunately these goals are usually the dreams and passions of the parents and children are simply a way for parents to vicariously realize their unfulfilled needs.

Children feel like they will disappoint their parents or let them down if they do not live up to expectations, and believe that achieving the goal will earn them the love and acceptance they so strongly desire.

4) Explicit Control:
Often parents with narcissistic tendencies will use more subtle or less obvious means of control and manipulation, but some parents will very explicitly say, “Obey me or I will punish you.”

Children are expected to do what they are told and behave according to the rules or they will risk anger, silence, guilt, shame, or violence.

5) Love Withdrawal Control:
This kind of control says, “You are worthy of my love because you behave according to my expectations.”

Parents are loving as long as children allow complete control but will withdraw that love when children refuse to obey.

Children are hesitant to express their feelings for fear of love withdrawal so they bury or deny their needs, resulting in a lack of self-awareness or independence.

Basically, to earn love they find it necessary to become whoever their parents want them to be.

6) Emotional Incest Control:
Narcissistic parents will often use their children to fulfill needs that are not being met from other relationships in their lives.

In fact, children are often expected to deal with adult issues and are put in the middle of disputes that pit one parent against another.

This kind of control says, “You are my true love, my only passion, the most important person in my life, and together we can stand against the world.”

This forces the child to make difficult decisions. How can he take his father’s side when his mother needs him, or how can he defend his mother when his father is constantly feeding him negative or demeaning thoughts about her?

Two Possible Scenarios for Children with Unresolved Issues Because of Narcissist Parents

Sadly, children of narcissists rarely have their own emotional needs met, and if the issue goes unresolved, one of two scenarios typically results:

These children will become parents with narcissistic traits themselves, using their own children as a means of attempting to fulfill their unmet needs, thus perpetuating the cycle.

Or, they will become what is called an ‘inverted narcissist’ or a ‘covert narcissist’. In this case, they remain the codependent and will actually seek out relationships with narcissists, despite the abuse they may experience.

Fortunately some children of narcissistic parents do manage to break the narcissist circle or the dependency pattern and become the creators in their own lives.

There are many resources out there to help adults recover from narcissistic abuse, for instance the self help group Adults Recovering from Narcissistic Parents or blogs with personal stories

Unconditional vs. Conditional Love
The approach of unconditional parenting or the unconditional positive regard focuses on complete full acceptance of children irrelevant of their behavior, achievements or personality.

The goal of this is to support the child’s sense of self and pave the way for the child to realize his or her own full potential without him or her being afraid of failing or disappointing his or her parents in the process.

The goal of unconditional parenting is thus to install the belief that love doesn’t have to earned or worked for.

As a child, you are simply loved because you exist!

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

December 6, 2014 at 9:48 am

The Narcissist: Psychology of Demons

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

November 30, 2014 at 7:29 am

“What Would a Narcissist do if you Gave Him a Muffin?”

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A big *Thank You* and ((((( HUG)))))) to PMA INTL member Amy B. for this humorous and very truthful contribution! Love to you Amy. The PMA INTL Team

Originally posted by- Lucy K Write (One mom’s battle)

“What Would a Narcissist do if you Gave Him a Muffin?”
If you give a Narcissist a muffin
He’ll ask why you didn’t give him yours too
Because you don’t really deserve a muffin
And you should already know he is extra hungry this morning
But he doesn’t really want to eat either one of the muffins
Because you didn’t buy them from the best muffin shop in town
And how dare you, because you should have driven ten miles
To get him the muffin he would have wanted in the first place
Rather than do what you did when you snuck out of the house early this morning
To make a trip to the grocery store, to bring home the muffins just for a surprise
But the muffins you chose were wrong
And you are stupid
And now he’s late for work
Because he had to take time once again to loudly remind you
That you did not make the extra effort to do what he would have wanted
Which you better remember to do next time
Or he will be really angry
And by the way, he is still hungry but now he has to leave
And this is all your fault
Because he never really wanted a muffin in the first place
He wanted eggs
But it was all just a game to see if he could manipulate you
Into giving your muffin to him
Which you did
Because it was just easier
(Breathe)
And now he left
But what just happened?
(Breathe again)
It’s finally quiet and you realize you are still very hungry
And even though he said that doesn’t matter because your needs don’t count…
They do
And you count too
So next time, when you think you want a muffin
And go out of your way to try and do something nice for a Narcissist
(Which you already know will probably end up being wrong even though you had very good intentions)
Do something nice for yourself instead
Sneak out and get just one muffin
Because YOU deserve it
Or better yet, get a doughnut
Muffins are overrated
Stay Strong
Smile : )
And Enjoy! -Lucy K Write (One mom’s battle)

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

November 12, 2014 at 8:44 am

Scapegoating / Out of the Fog

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This article was originally posted on Out Of The Fog ( link below)
http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Scapegoating.html

blaming

Scapegoating

Definition:

Scapegoating – Singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited negative treatment or blame.

Picking a Target

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Everyone has some relationships that feel less comfortable, natural or rewarding than the others. Some people simply annoy us more, tire us more or challenge us more than others.

For example, many parents struggle to show equitable treatment to their children, who usually have different interests, abilities and behavior patterns, just as employers typically find a broad spectrum of abilities and attitudes within their staff. Teachers find they aren’t able to relate to every student in the same way. Some relationships just take more work than others. That’s life. It’s not possible or practical to treat everyone as if they were exactly the same, all the time.

Differential treatment becomes dysfunctional, however, when it translates into actions such as inequitable systems of reward and punishment or inequitable access or denial of access to opportunities, resources and liberties. It becomes a form of abuse when one child, employee or member of a group is singled out for special punishment, undeserved negative treatment or arbitrarily denied some benefit available to the others.

People with Personality Disorders are particularly susceptible to showing dysfunctional differential treatment because they sometimes allow their feelings to override facts. This means their feelings become so intense that what they feel about a person or situation can receive more of their attention or take a higher priority than what they know about that person or situation. This can then lead to distortions in how they interpret a given situation which are then used to rationalize or justify the way they feel and the way they behave as a result.

Scapegoating can occur in all aspects of life, however, it is most clearly demonstrated and can be most destructive when the person showing favoritism has some form of power or authority over others, such as in parent-child, teacher-student and boss-subordinate relationships.

In the US workplace, various laws such as The Civil Rights Act of 1964, The Equal Pay Act, The Age Discrimination Act, The Americans with Disabilities Act and The Civil Rights Act of 1991, prohibit discrimination based on ethnic origin, appearance, gender, religion and disability. Other countries have also passed similar legislation. However, these laws only protect against favoritism which can be objectively verified in a court of law and where an objective criterion for the discriminatory behavior (for example refusing to serve members of a particular ethnic group in a restaurant) can be demonstrated. Negative treatment based on a person’s subjective “gut-feel” judgment about someone’s personality, character or appearance is much harder to regulate or prove in court.

The term “scapegoat” has its origins in the traditional Jewish feast of Yom Kippur – in which the transgressions of the people were ceremonially transferred by the High Priest onto the head of a sacrificial goat – the “escape goat” – which was then banished into the wilderness, taking the sins of the people with it

Scapegoating is the opposite of favoritism as it involves punishments rather than rewards, although they are essentially similar kinds of dysfunction. They both involve judgments which are not based on objective ideas of fairness. Other names for scapegoating include reverse-favoritism, bullying, prejudice, discrimination, bias and partiality.

What Scapegoating in the Home Looks Like

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A parent who systematically singles out one child for blame when things go wrong in the family.
A parent who punishes one child more severely than their siblings.
A parent who assigns undesirable responsibilities and chores etc. to just one child in the family.
A parent who routinely speaks more negatively to or about one child in the family.
A parent who refuses to intervene or take notice when other siblings bully, hurt or abuse one child in the family.

What Scapegoating in the Workplace Looks Like

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A boss who systematically denies raises and promotions and benefits to just one employee, despite them demonstrating equal or superior performance or merit to others.

A teacher who gives poorer grades to one particular student than their work merits.
A boss who routinely assigns less pleasant or desirable tasks to one employee while giving the more desirable jobs to others.
A boss who covers up or shields other employees from responsibility or accountability while allowing one to face the consequences.
A boss who denies access or time and attention to one employee while giving extensive access to others.
How it Feels

Children who grow up as the scapegoat in a family are likely to develop trust issues, resentment and low self-esteem. Children often blame themselves for such treatment and look for rationalizations for the way they are treated. They may begin to feel worthless, ugly, stupid or incompetent. They may struggle academically and avoid competitive situations or opportunities. Adult children who have been scapegoated may struggle with explosive anger, pessimism and resentment in relationships, employment, and friendships.

Some children who are victims of scapegoating may try to prove their worth by becoming over-achievers, often to the detriment of their own aspirations and interests in life.

Children who are victims of parental scapegoating often seek validation outside of the home can be vulnerable to predatory groups and individuals who seek to take advantage of them. Religious cults, criminal gangs, terrorist organizations, thieves and violent or sexual predators often lure their victims by initially offering validation to people who have low self-worth.

What NOT to Do

Don’t blame yourself or assume that you did anything to deserve the way a person with a Personality Disorder treats you.
Don’t accept scapegoating as normal or allow it just to “go with the flow”.
Don’t persecute someone else who is being scapegoated. That is participating in abuse.
Don’t ignore it when someone else is being scapegoated. That is condoning abuse.
Don’t try to justify your worth by becoming an over-achiever. Don’t work yourself harder to earn the love of a parent or family member. Real love is a free gift; it doesn’t require people to jump through hoops.
Don’t immediately trust everybody or every organization who offers you validation. Save your trust for people who will treat you well and don’t have a hidden agenda of their own.
Don’t waste your time and energy trying to change another person’s opinion of you. As painful as it is to admit, you have almost no power or control over another person’s thoughts, words and actions.
Don’t retaliate or try to hurt a person who scapegoats you. Try, as best you can, to disengage from them.

What TO Do

End the conversation and remove yourself from the room and the house if possible whenever anybody treats you badly.
Call the police if anybody physically hurts you, threatens or bullies you. If you are young, report it to a responsible caring adult.
Try to base your own opinion of yourself based on your merits – your own unique strengths and weaknesses – not on other people’s emotions.
Speak up for what is right when you see injustice. Say it once and then don’t say it again or argue about it. Agree to disagree if necessary. Just saying it once can sometimes help.
Get support. Find validating and healthy friendships and relationships where people will appreciate your worth and encourage you to be the best that you can be.
If you are in an employment situation, you might want to try to find an alternate position or another group or employer.
If you are the recipient of inequitable treatment, politely decline the favor and request inclusion of your peers.
For More Information & Support…

If you suspect you may have a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.

Support Forum – Read real stories. Ask questions.

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

November 2, 2014 at 7:50 pm

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