Protective Mothers' Alliance International

family court abuse/corruption

Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

What Men Are Really Saying When Catcalling Women/ Buzz Feed

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

August 14, 2014 at 11:39 pm

WHO IS THE CONTROLLING ONE? / Lundy Bancroft

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This wonderful article was originally posted by our PMA International co-founder Lundy Bancroft on his Healing and Hope site ( link below)

http://lundybancroft.blogspot.com/

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Has your partner ever said to you, “You’re the controlling one! You are always trying to control me! You’re a controlling bitch!”
These accusations can create confusion for the woman. So let’s clarify a few points.

It is not control when you:

Demand that someone treat you properly, insisting that your rights be respected (including demanding that you be spoken to with respect)
Challenge someone about the work they are creating for you (such as by leaving messes around the house)
Press someone to meet responsibilities that they aren’t meeting (and if you have to keep asking them over and over again, that doesn’t make you controlling, it makes them irresponsible)
Challenge someone about behaviors of theirs that have large implications for the couple (and for the family if you have children), such as abusing alcohol, gambling, ignoring the children, or being mean to the children
Call the police because someone is hurting you or threatening to hurt you

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It is control when you:

Ridicule someone, make them feel stupid, or call them demeaning names, especially when you are doing so in order to force them do something or to silence them
Physically or sexually intimidate someone
Get revenge on someone for not doing what you told them to do or for standing up for their own opinions
Impose double standards (make different rules for yourself than for the other person)
Pressure or manipulate someone into sexual contact that they don’t want

I’m willing to bet that when he calls you controlling, he is referring to things you do from the first list, and that when you call him controlling, you’re referring to things he does from the second list. He’s the one getting it all backwards.

Another useful, though tricky, concept: It’s control when you are trying to take someone’s rights away, and it’s self-defense when you are trying to keep someone else from taking your rights away. (The reason this gets tricky is because the controlling man will often say that you are trying to take his rights away, because he thinks he has the right to abuse you.)

And a last concept: The abusive man will call you “controlling” for resisting his control. Noticing when this is happening will be a huge help to you.

5 reasons why we fall for con artists/ Lovefraud

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This article was originally posted on Lovefraud

5 reasons why we fall for con artists

Donna Anderson

We discover that our romantic partner is a complete and utter fake.

The proclamations of love, the stories of his or her past — nothing was true. All the money that our partner desperately needed — or promised would buy a life of luxury for the two of us — well, that evaporated into expensive and unnecessary toys, or a secret life with one or more other lovers (targets).

When it finally sinks in that we’ve been conned, the first question we ask of ourselves is, “How could I have been so stupid?”

Followed by, “Why didn’t I see this coming?”

Feeling like chumps, we come down really hard on ourselves. But we aren’t the only ones who are blind to the social predators living among us — our entire society is blind.

The fact that millions of sociopaths live among us is like a giant skeleton in the closet of the human race that nobody wants to talk about. This sets us up to be victimized.

Sociopathic con artists take advantage of this collective and individual blindness. With the skill that comes from practicing their craft from a very young age, they manipulate our empathy and emotions. They use us to accomplish their objectives du jour, whatever they may be.

So here’s why we end up in romantic relationships with sociopathic con artists:

Reason #1 – We don’t know sociopaths exist

Most people think sociopaths are all criminals and deranged serial killers — this isn’t necessarily true. Social predators live among us, and most of them never kill anyone. Still, these people have no heart, no conscience and no remorse.

The numbers are staggering. Lovefraud uses the term “sociopath” to cover all social predators — people who would be clinically diagnosed as being antisocial, psychopathic, narcissistic or borderline. If you add up the official estimates of people with these conditions, perhaps 12% of the population — 37 million people in the US — have personality disorders that make them unsuitable to be romantic partners.

And we, as a society, don’t know it.

Reason #2 – We believe people are basically the same

In the United States, from the time we are small children, we are bombarded with messages about fairness, equal opportunity, giving people a chance and tolerance. In school, we learn that we’re all created equal. In church, we learn that we’re all God’s children.

As a result, we believe all people are basically the same, there is good in everyone, and everyone just wants to be loved. Unfortunately, there is a segment of the population for which this simply is not true.

Sociopaths view the world as predators and prey — they are the predators, and everyone else is prey. They are not motivated by love; they are motivated by power and control. These people pursue romantic relationships not for love, but for exploitation.

Reason #3 – Humans are lousy lie detectors

Research shows that people can identify a lie only 53% of the time — not much better than flipping a coin.

All those signs that are supposedly giveaways that someone is lying — like looking away, failing to make eye contact — well, they simply don’t apply when a sociopath is doing the lying.

Sociopaths are expert liars. They spend their whole lives lying. They feel entitled to lie. They lie for the fun of it. In fact, there’s a phenomenon called “duping delight” — sociopaths get a thrill out of staring right into their targets’ eyes and pulling the wool over them.

People who are not liars never see it coming.

Reason #4 – Sociopaths hijack the normal human bonding process

Trust is the glue that holds society together. Trust is so important to the human race that it is programmed into our biology.

A hormone called oxytocin is released in our brain and bloodstream whenever we feel intimacy — emotional or physical. Oxytocin then makes us feel calm, trusting and content, and alleviates fear and anxiety. Nature created this process to make people want to stay together to raise children.

When sociopaths target us for romantic relationships, they either spend a lot of time building what seems to be trust, or they rush us into emotional, physical or sexual intimacy. Either way, they get the oxytocin flowing in our brains, which makes us trust them. They keep piling on the intimacy, and we, to our detriment, keep trusting.

For more information, read Oxytocin, trust and why we fall for psychopaths, on Lovefraud.com.

Reason #5 – The betrayal bond makes it difficult to escape

Once the love bond is in place, the sociopath does things that create fear and anxiety in us — like cheating on us, or taking more and more money.

Contrary to what we might expect, instead of driving us away, this actually makes the bond we feel with the sociopath stronger. It becomes a betrayal bond — a powerful bond that we feel with someone who is destructive to us.

We want desperately to return to the heady experience of the beginning of our involvement, which was filled with what we believed was love and affection. We keep waiting for the sociopath to make the situation right.

But he or she never does. The exploitation continues.

Betrayal bonds are highly addictive and difficult to break. That’s why we stay in the relationship far longer than we should — until we can no longer escape the fact that we’ve been conned.

Care More… BE That Change!!

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The Four Dysfunctional Family Roles / Lights Blog

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http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/the-four-dysfunctional-family-roles#axzz2yYrEfEvS

The Four Basic Roles of Dysfunctional Families:
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Golden Child, Scapegoat, Mascot and Lost Child

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Dysfunctional families don’t allow people to be their authentic selves. They dance around their shame, denials and addictions, working to keep everyone in their assigned dysfunctional roles — like it or not.

There are four basic roles in the dysfunctional family:

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The Golden Child/Hero

The golden child is the one who “can do no wrong”. This child is viewed as being the best and the brightest; even if they’re not.
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Some golden children play the part well and end up stuck in the role of success-object, and some golden children are entitled troublemakers who are never expected to actually earn anything, due to their already-favored status. Golden children are expected to abandon their authentic selves in exchange for hollow esteem.

Many golden children wake up much later in life to a nice home, a fancy car, a high-paying job and a supposedly perfect family, all of which they suddenly realize they’d like to trade for something more authentic. Other golden children are the opposite; their lives are a mess because they’ve never had to work to earn their status, and the rest of the world doesn’t reward them similarly for doing nothing.

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat is the child who can “do no right”. This child is viewed as being the reason for everything undesirable and bad, even when they excel.

Some scapegoats enter into the trap of trying harder and harder to redeem themselves in the eyes of their family so they can finally be respected and appreciated for who they really are. They can never be good enough, and will burn themselves out trying to get a pat on the back. Other scapegoats succumb to the role of “bad one” and make waves, because they’re always labeled bad regardless, so they give up trying and rebel in anger.

Many scapegoats spend much of their adult lives still trying to be accepted and appreciated by constantly doing more, giving more and trying more. Other scapegoats spark lots of conflict and difficulties. Scapegoats typically wake up later in life and and realize things aren’t as they should be when their constant efforts to gain respect backfire and get them walked all over at work and at home (or when they get themselves into one too many conflicts pertaining to their adoption of a “who cares” attitude).

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The Lost Child

The Lost Child is the child who withdraws in self-preservation. Ignored and invisible, this child experiences loneliness and a feeling of not belonging.

Many Lost Children remain in the background into their adult lives, hiding from conflict and healthy risk-taking, stuck in the feeling of being a frightened outsider or unimportant “nobody”. Lost children typically wake up later in life to find that they have missed out on many emotional things others have had, such as a sense of connectedness and having made a difference in the world.

Often overlooked, many opportunities for better things have likely passed them by as they retreated into a quiet world which focused on something of value to them that was not likely related to confident interaction (and even conflict) with others. Some lost children take an interest in material possessions or other pursuits with limited social/intimate requirements.
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Mascot/Clown

The Mascot is the child who jokes and distracts the family from the heaviness of its dysfunction. This child expresses the effects of the family’s painful experiences as humor.

Mascots have difficulty accepting and expressing difficult feelings, and will joke their way out of serious circumstances, avoiding the real issue that needs addressing. Mascots may find themselves in entertainment-related fields, since it’s second nature for them to make light of tragedy, pain and suffering. Many mascots awaken later in life to find they have not been taken seriously, or are always counted on to make everyone feel better, perhaps at the expense of acknowledging their own painful realities.

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The Limitations of the concept of family roles

While helpful, the definitions of these roles are imperfect. Some sources claim there are more roles, as many as seven. Some sources claim the golden child/hero only plays the “perfect” role, though there are some golden children who are actually quite entitled, lazy and even antisocial. A similar issue exists with the definition of scapegoats. Some sources claim the scapegoat is “the bad seed”, and others say the scapegoat is the healthiest member of the family.

It’s also been noted that parents may change and mix the roles assigned to a given child based on changes in the family’s needs, experiences, environment and structure. This means it is possible for one child to be both the scapegoat and the lost child, etc., or start out as the golden child and tumble from grace to end up the scapegoat.

Ultimately, these definitions function more like helpful guidelines than scientific analysis, and have helped many people understand the fundamentals of dysfunctional family life.

More Here: http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/the-four-dysfunctional-family-roles#ixzz2yYs5d5J4

Lundy Bancroft Quote; Charm

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“NEVER GIVE UP”/ Yolanda Adams

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“Never Give Up”
Visions that can change the world trapped inside an ordinary girl
She looks just like me too afraid to dream out loud
And though it’s simple your idea, it won’t make sense to everybody
You need courage now If you’re gonna persevere
To fulfill divine purpose, you gotta answer when you’re called
So don’t be afraid to face the world against all odds
[Chorus]
Keep the dream alive don’t let it die
If something deep inside keeps inspiring you to try, don’t stop
And never give up, don’t ever give up on you
Don’t give up
Every victory comes in time, work today to change tomorrow
It gets easier, who’s to say that you can’t fly
Every step you take you get, closer to your destination
You can feel it now, don’t you know you’re almost there?
To fulfill divine purpose, you gotta answer when you’re called
So don’t be afraid to face the world against all odds
[Chorus]
Keep the dream alive don’t let it die
If something deep inside keeps inspiring you to try, don’t stop
And never give up, don’t ever give up on you
[Bridge:]
Who holds the pieces to complete the puzzle?
The answer that can solve a mystery
The key that can unlock your understanding
It’s all inside of you, you have everything you need yeahhhh
Sooooo, keep the dream alive don’t let it die
If something deep inside, keeps inspiring you to try don’t stop
And never give up, don’t ever give up on you
Sometimes life can place a stumbling block in your way
But you’re gotta keep the faith, bring what’s deep inside your heart yeah your
Heart to the light
And never give up Don’t ever give up on you
Nooo don’t give up,
No, no, no, no don’t give up
Oh, no, no, no, no don’t…give…up

Welcome To Protective Mothers’ Alliance International

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WELCOME TO PROTECTIVE MOTHERS’ ALLIANCE INTERNATIONAL( PMA Intl. )

Protective Mothers Alliance International(PMA INTL). is an international protective mother-driven organization that includes a global network of like-minded organizations working as a team for positive change. Protective Mothers Alliance International (PMA) is co founded by Lundy Bancroft and Janice Levinson, with Janice Levinson as Executive Director. The PMA INTL family consists of protective mother-driven advocates working together as a tight team for change. PMA INTL is working toward bringing about dramatic reform in family court for protective mothers and their children. PMA INTL. advocates for change through education, community and media outreach and other creative strategies that may be effective and beneficial. PMA INTL. supports the efforts of protective mothers in keeping themselves and their children safe from the abuse of a former partner, and in empowering these mothers to become advocates for themselves and others. PMA INTL. has several networks/groups including but not limited to: Man Up for Moms ((M.U.M), Hear us NOW!! ( H.U.N) Healing and Prayer, STOP DV by Proxy. PMA’s very successful blog talk radio shows had over 6 thousand listeners. PMA INTl’s blog entitled: “The Guardian of Truth” continues to be an effective vehicle for education about family court abuse. Protective Mothers Alliance International has launched a gold ribbon campaign in an effort to reunite protective mothers and their children who have been separated by the family court.We invite all advocates and their allies around the globe to wear gold ribbons, to symbolize the effort that protective mothers and their allies are making to reunite children with their moms.
Please join us in supporting this campaign. ” The beautiful memories that we have of our beloved children are golden and can NEVER be erased from our hearts and minds”

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PMA International’s specialty is working with abused mothers and their children who are dealing with family court injustice. This does not mean that we have an agenda against men, or that we are anti-father or that we are blind to the fact that some women and mothers can be abusers too.
When Janice Levinson and Lundy Bancroft created PMA International, there were many groups helping fathers but very few helping abused mothers in family court. Janice and Lundy created PMA International to be an organization that consists of volunteer protective mothers because they saw a need, and decided to step up and help abused mothers and their children. Creating an organization of protective mothers who advocate for positive change in family court also speaks to both Lundy and Janice’s background, expertise and personal experiences. Because PMA International is a group of protective mothers and because of our vast collective experience with family court, DV, and personality disorder issues, we are very specialized in the work we do.

 

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Disclaimers:

Disclaimer regarding contacting PMA International;
PMA International is inundated on a daily basis with e mails and Face book messages . Although we love to hear from our valued members, please keep in mind, that PMA INTL is an all volunteer organization. The PMA INTL Administrative Assistants do their best to respond to each and every inquiry, but we find that most questions are very similar. In light of this , included on this official PMA International web page/ blog, are detailed explanations about;
1. PMA International, what we do and do not do.
2. PMA International’s mission statement
3. PMA International’s disclaimers
4. Step by step explanations on how to join PMA International
5. A suggestion list of helpful professionals dealing with family court issues

From this point forward we will still try our best to answer all questions. But because of the great volume of e mails and messages we receive we can no longer guarantee questions asked that have already been answered on this official PMA International website/ blog or on our official PMA International FB page will also be answered through e mail or Face book. If you contact us via email and/or Face book , and do not receive a response, chances are your question has already been answered on our website/ blog and/or our official FB page.
Please carefully read this website/ blog and FB page to learn more about PMA International. Thank you for your understanding in this matter.

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PLEASE READ BELOW;

General Disclaimers:

IMPORTANT: PMA INTL DOES NOT GIVE LEGAL ADVICE. The information on this website/blog is not intended to serve as legal advice or as a guarantee, warranty or prediction regarding the outcome of any particular legal matter. If you have a legal problem, seek professional legal counsel.

PMA International is an advocacy organization. We Do Not Get Involved In Personal Custody Cases In Any Capacity and cannot give advice/ legal advice, on personal custody cases, as we are not attorneys. Since Family Court is a legal matter, you need a legal professional to adequately and legally represent and give guidance on your personal case.

There are many reasons why PMA International does not give advice on your personal custody case. Most importantly, if you have a good attorney that you trust, he/ she knows the specifics of your case in ways we could not. Your best and most accurate advice ( legal or practical) tailored to your specific situation would come from your attorney. We would be reluctant to give advice that may unintentionally lead you down the wrong path since we do not have all the information necessary or the legal expertise to responsibly give said advice. If you do not have the funds for an attorney , we recommend researching legal aid or paralegals in your area. Many DV shelters and womens resource centers offer such referrals. You may also represent yourself, but we suggest including a legal professional as a consultant.

 

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Due to the sensitive nature of the work that we do, PMA has a professional security team and a small group of attorney’s who protect our organization and our protective mothers/advocates.

PMA International is an advocacy organization, NOT a service organization for protective mothers, at this time. Since we are not a service organization, we do not offer on site, local protective mothers’ support groups, or crisis intervention hot lines. We suggest moms research low cost professional counselors in their area or specialists in PTSD, trauma and DV counseling. In our experience, protective mothers have better results turning to professionals, educated, trained and licensed in this specialty, for healing as opposed to fellow protective mothers who are equally in need of healing / support and are not educated or trained in the above. If you are feeling overwhelmed and need emotional support, we suggest you contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline open 24 hours and staffed with trained personnel in crisis intervention and emotional support- 1 800 799 7233.

 

In light of the fact that we are not a service organization-for security reason and per their request- we DO NOT direct people who contact us,to our state or international leaders as they are not set up to work with other protective moms by getting involved in their personal cases.( Please refer to our mission statement). Our
leaders, go through an extensive security check by our security team. Please note; the safety of PMA International’s protective mother/advocates and their children is our priority.

 

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PMA International always has safety as our leading priority. In light of this, PMA international will not release personal information and/or personal custody information about protective mothers and their children who are in active litigation. PMA International will not sponsor, endorse or support any event or activity that is engaging in the above due to the risk involved. PMA International advises protective mothers to be extremely cautious in revealing any personal custody details along with personal information about themselves and their children on the internet. Doing so, might prove to be very risky to you and your children’s personal safety and the outcome of your case. Please read the below link for suggestions on using the internet safely while advocating for your personal custody case.

https://protectivemothersallianceinternational.org/2014/06/04/using-the-internet-safely-while-advocating-for-your-personal-custody-case/

PMA International is an advocacy organization and we are not trying to discourage you from advocating for your personal custody case. We support protective mothers advocating for themselves in smart, safe and creative ways , while in active litigation , as to not endanger themselves, their children and risk the outcome of their case.

PMA International reserves the right to use all personal experiences ,quotes, and stories shared in the comment sections on  this website/blog or our face book page for our campaigns. You and your child/children’s identity will be protected.
We reserve the right to edit or delete any comment on all PMA International venues as we see fit.
We reserve the right to block any user for violating our “no abuse zone” policy or for any other reason as we see fit. As we are also group of protective mothers any comments including but not limited to- name calling, verbal cruelty, threatening comments or critical false accusations made not only to fellow members on our FB page or this website/blog  but also to our organization , ED administrators and/orleaders would also violate our “no abuse zone “ policy and will not be tolerated. The poster of a comment doing the above will be banned from this site, our FB page and all PMA International venues.
Any concern , complaints, questions or issues involving PMA International and/or our members, ED, administrators ,or leaders will be communicated to us in a professional and kind manner through our pages’s FB messaging- not in the comment section on our page, or through email via Gayle Summer PMA International’s  Executive Administrative  Assistant @GayleSummer@gmail.com.  Each concern is taken seriously and will be professionally and promptly addressed with respect , compassion, sensitivity and in a safe manner. Your identity will always be protected. Anyone violating this request will be banned from this site, our FB page and all PMA International venues. As always , all communication with PMA International or with fellow members on all our venues will adhere to our “no abuse zone “ policy.
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The sharing by PMA International of a post, video or meme from another site, on any PMA International’s venues  or events does not indicate PMA International’s endorsement of said site or alignment with said site’s philosophy or mission statement.

Disclaimer for Protective Mothers/Advocates and supporters who are participating in our various projects on this site;

You alone are responsibly for the protection of your identity along with the protection of the identity of your minor child while using this site. PMA Intl assumes no responsibility for the protection of your identity and/or safety and the identity and/or safety of your minor child/ children. We reserve the right to edit all posts for any reason.
Persons posting on this site are solely responsible for abiding by their specific court orders. PMA INTL is not responsibly for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from a person posting on this site who is not in compliance with an order from the court.

 Important Disclaimer ;

PMA International reserves all copyright, trademark, patent, intellectual and other property rights in the information contained in PMA International’s “Unstoppable Mothers Campaign.” and ” Love Letters For Our Children Campaign”This includes but is not limited to, all PMA International and PMA International’s “Unstoppable Mothers’ and” Love Letters To Our Children” specific logos and services logos and no express or implied license is granted in respect thereof. Any unauthorized access, use or reproduction of the information or proprietary rights contained in this site about these campaigns is strictly prohibited and is subject to such action as provided in applicable laws. No information on this PMA International’s “Unstoppable Mothers Campaign” and ” Love Letters For Our Children ” Campaign should be reproduced or distributed for another organization’s or individual’s campaign or advocacy use, without the prior written consent of PMA International. The Information is for your personal use only.

Any unauthorized copying or modification of trade-marks and/or the contents of the PMA International “Unstoppable Mothers “Campaign and ” Love Letters To Our Children” Campaign for another organization’s or individual’s use, including but not limited to, art, art exhibits, all manner of advocacy, written materials,and all manner of social media may be a violation of any law that may apply to trade-marks and/or copyrights and could subject the copier to legal action.

Images and links from  all PMA International  venues , including but not limited to this website/blog and all PMA International campaigns including but not limited to ” Love Letters To Our Children” and ” Unstoppable Mothers” may be used only in a social media/blog content and only when provided that full and clear credit is given to PMA International and said campaigns with appropriate and specific directions to original content.

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For information about helping PMA INTL advocate for family court reform please visit the link below

Please be advised; The link below describes the only official, revised and updated, guidelines for joining PMA International. Any additional postings on any other site about this issue is outdated, null and void, and does not apply.
Thank you.

https://protectivemothersalliance.wordpress.com/protective-mothersadvocates-interested-in-joining-pma-international-the-process/

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For a list of professional services for protective mothers dealing with family court abuse and corruption, please visit the link below. Please note the disclaimer on that page.

https://protectivemothersalliance.wordpress.com/professional-services-for-protective-mothers-pma-international-list-of-suggestions/

Thank you in advance for your understanding and cooperation in these matters.

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PMA INTERNATIONAL’s” NO ABUSE ZONE” Policy

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You have just entered a PMA INTERNATIONAL NO ABUSE ZONE:

• PMA International stands strong on a zero tolerance approach to any type of abuse. We recognize that you cannot negotiate , work together in peace and harmony , come together in unity with abusers or those who support or enable abusive behaviour . PMA International recognizes that there are different types of abuse and abusers are not gender specific.

• PMA International is dedicated to creating a safe, supportive, abuse free environment for our family of advocates as we work together to fight family court abuse and corruption.

• PMA International is committed to treating those we work with, with kindness, respect and professionalism at all times.

• PMA International remains open to working with other organizations and advocates that share our philosophy.

• PMA International stands strong on unity within the mothers movement and desires to work with other organizations and advocates that have a history of zero tolerance of abuse regardless of gender and organizations and advocates that have a history of treating others with kindness, respect and professionalism.

• PMA International reserves the right to dismiss anyone within our organization with any history of or current abusive behaviour.

• PMA International reserves the right to refuse to work with any organization or advocate with a history of or current abusive behavior. This includes organizations and/ or advocates with a history of working with, promoting and supporting the above.

Caught Between Parents :10 tips for maintaining a bond / Psychology Today/ Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D.

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Here are 10 things to do with your mildly-moderately alienated child to maintain the bond when it is under attack from the other parent.

(1) Invite your child to tell you how s/he is feeling about the relationship and to routinely “clear the air.” This can ensure that your child is not harboring any lingering negative thoughts and feelings.

(2) Create relationship markers such as family rituals, slogans, emblems, routines, games, etc. so that your child has a strong identity of being a part of the relationship. For example, if you give your child a Hershey’s Kiss and tell him/her that this is a kiss from you and you regularly give your child a Hershey’s Kiss, then every time your child sees a Hershey’s Kiss s/he will think of you.

(3) Take pictures of you and your child together and post them around your house so that your child sees him/herself loving and being loved by and having fun with you.

(4) Make friends with his/her friends and their families so that your home is the “place to be” for people who matter to your child.

(5) Hold your child to high standards in a loving way by saying, “I love you too much to let you talk to me that way, be rude to your friends,” etc.

(6) Help your child have close and loving relationships with your family to deepen his/her connection with you and yours.

(7) Talk to your child about his/her goals, interests, plans, and dreams. Have faith in your child and support his/her life plans. Encourage your child to try new things and to take on challenges.

(8) Be respectful to your child in tone and action. Your child will appreciate it.

(9) Appreciate your child and let him/her know that you see and “get” the good things that s/he does. Your child will feel known and understood.

(10) Show your child love and affection in ways that mean the most to him/her. Some children like physical affection, some need lots of time and attention, others feel loved when you cook them a special meal or play a game. Know your child and show your love in the ways that matter most to your child.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/caught-between-parents/201209/parenting-mildly-moderately-alienated-0
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