Protective Mothers' Alliance International

family court abuse/corruption

Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

Welcome To Protective Mothers’ Alliance International

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WELCOME TO PROTECTIVE MOTHERS’ ALLIANCE INTERNATIONAL( PMA Intl. )

Protective Mothers Alliance International(PMA INTL). is an international protective mother-driven organization that includes a global network of like-minded organizations working as a team for positive change. Protective Mothers Alliance International (PMA) is co founded by Lundy Bancroft and Janice Levinson, with Janice Levinson as Executive Director. The PMA INTL family consists of protective mother-driven advocates working together as a tight team for change. PMA INTL is working toward bringing about dramatic reform in family court for protective mothers and their children. PMA INTL. advocates for change through education, community and media outreach and other creative strategies that may be effective and beneficial. PMA INTL. supports the efforts of protective mothers in keeping themselves and their children safe from the abuse of a former partner, and in empowering these mothers to become advocates for themselves and others. PMA INTL. has several networks/groups including but not limited to: Man Up for Moms ((M.U.M), Hear us NOW!! ( H.U.N) Healing and Prayer, STOP DV by Proxy. PMA’s very successful blog talk radio shows had over 6 thousand listeners. PMA INTl’s blog entitled: “The Guardian of Truth” continues to be an effective vehicle for education about family court abuse. Protective Mothers Alliance International has launched a gold ribbon campaign in an effort to reunite protective mothers and their children who have been separated by the family court.We invite all advocates and their allies around the globe to wear gold ribbons, to symbolize the effort that protective mothers and their allies are making to reunite children with their moms.
Please join us in supporting this campaign. ” The beautiful memories that we have of our beloved children are golden and can NEVER be erased from our hearts and minds”

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PMA International’s specialty is working with abused mothers and their children who are dealing with family court injustice. This does not mean that we have an agenda against men, or that we are anti-father or that we are blind to the fact that some women and mothers can be abusers too.
When Janice Levinson and Lundy Bancroft created PMA International, there were many groups helping fathers but very few helping abused mothers in family court. Janice and Lundy created PMA International to be an organization that consists of volunteer protective mothers because they saw a need, and decided to step up and help abused mothers and their children. Creating an organization of protective mothers who advocate for positive change in family court also speaks to both Lundy and Janice’s background, expertise and personal experiences. Because PMA International is a group of protective mothers and because of our vast collective experience with family court, DV, and personality disorder issues, we are very specialized in the work we do.

 

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Disclaimers:

Disclaimer regarding contacting PMA International;
PMA International is inundated on a daily basis with e mails and Face book messages . Although we love to hear from our valued members, please keep in mind, that PMA INTL is an all volunteer organization. The PMA INTL Administrative Assistants do their best to respond to each and every inquiry, but we find that most questions are very similar. In light of this , included on this official PMA International web page/ blog, are detailed explanations about;
1. PMA International, what we do and do not do.
2. PMA International’s mission statement
3. PMA International’s disclaimers
4. Step by step explanations on how to join PMA International
5. A suggestion list of helpful professionals dealing with family court issues

From this point forward we will still try our best to answer all questions. But because of the great volume of e mails and messages we receive we can no longer guarantee questions asked that have already been answered on this official PMA International website/ blog or on our official PMA International FB page will also be answered through e mail or Face book. If you contact us via email and/or Face book , and do not receive a response, chances are your question has already been answered on our website/ blog and/or our official FB page.
Please carefully read this website/ blog and FB page to learn more about PMA International. Thank you for your understanding in this matter.

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PLEASE READ BELOW;

General Disclaimers:

IMPORTANT: PMA INTL DOES NOT GIVE LEGAL ADVICE. The information on this website/blog is not intended to serve as legal advice or as a guarantee, warranty or prediction regarding the outcome of any particular legal matter. If you have a legal problem, seek professional legal counsel.

PMA International is an advocacy organization. We Do Not Get Involved In Personal Custody Cases In Any Capacity and cannot give advice/ legal advice, on personal custody cases, as we are not attorneys. Since Family Court is a legal matter, you need a legal professional to adequately and legally represent and give guidance on your personal case.

There are many reasons why PMA International does not give advice on your personal custody case. Most importantly, if you have a good attorney that you trust, he/ she knows the specifics of your case in ways we could not. Your best and most accurate advice ( legal or practical) tailored to your specific situation would come from your attorney. We would be reluctant to give advice that may unintentionally lead you down the wrong path since we do not have all the information necessary or the legal expertise to responsibly give said advice. If you do not have the funds for an attorney , we recommend researching legal aid or paralegals in your area. Many DV shelters and womens resource centers offer such referrals. You may also represent yourself, but we suggest including a legal professional as a consultant.

 

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Due to the sensitive nature of the work that we do, PMA has a professional security team and a small group of attorney’s who protect our organization and our protective mothers/advocates.

PMA International is an advocacy organization, NOT a service organization for protective mothers, at this time. Since we are not a service organization, we do not offer on site, local protective mothers’ support groups, or crisis intervention hot lines. We suggest moms research low cost professional counselors in their area or specialists in PTSD, trauma and DV counseling. In our experience, protective mothers have better results turning to professionals, educated, trained and licensed in this specialty, for healing as opposed to fellow protective mothers who are equally in need of healing / support and are not educated or trained in the above. If you are feeling overwhelmed and need emotional support, we suggest you contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline open 24 hours and staffed with trained personnel in crisis intervention and emotional support- 1 800 799 7233.

 

In light of the fact that we are not a service organization-for security reason and per their request- we DO NOT direct people who contact us,to our state or international leaders as they are not set up to work with other protective moms by getting involved in their personal cases.( Please refer to our mission statement). Our
leaders, go through an extensive security check by our security team. Please note; the safety of PMA International’s protective mother/advocates and their children is our priority.

 

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PMA International always has safety as our leading priority. In light of this, PMA international will not release personal information and/or personal custody information about protective mothers and their children who are in active litigation. PMA International will not sponsor, endorse or support any event or activity that is engaging in the above due to the risk involved. PMA International advises protective mothers to be extremely cautious in revealing any personal custody details along with personal information about themselves and their children on the internet. Doing so, might prove to be very risky to you and your children’s personal safety and the outcome of your case. Please read the below link for suggestions on using the internet safely while advocating for your personal custody case.

https://protectivemothersallianceinternational.org/2014/06/04/using-the-internet-safely-while-advocating-for-your-personal-custody-case/

PMA International is an advocacy organization and we are not trying to discourage you from advocating for your personal custody case. We support protective mothers advocating for themselves in smart, safe and creative ways , while in active litigation , as to not endanger themselves, their children and risk the outcome of their case.

PMA International reserves the right to use all personal experiences ,quotes, and stories shared in the comment sections on  this website/blog or our face book page for our campaigns. You and your child/children’s identity will be protected.
We reserve the right to edit or delete any comment on all PMA International venues as we see fit.
We reserve the right to block any user for violating our “no abuse zone” policy or for any other reason as we see fit. As we are also group of protective mothers any comments including but not limited to- name calling, verbal cruelty, threatening comments or critical false accusations made not only to fellow members on our FB page or this website/blog  but also to our organization , ED administrators and/orleaders would also violate our “no abuse zone “ policy and will not be tolerated. The poster of a comment doing the above will be banned from this site, our FB page and all PMA International venues.
Any concern , complaints, questions or issues involving PMA International and/or our members, ED, administrators ,or leaders will be communicated to us in a professional and kind manner through our pages’s FB messaging- not in the comment section on our page, or through email via Gayle Summer PMA International’s  Executive Administrative  Assistant @GayleSummer@gmail.com.  Each concern is taken seriously and will be professionally and promptly addressed with respect , compassion, sensitivity and in a safe manner. Your identity will always be protected. Anyone violating this request will be banned from this site, our FB page and all PMA International venues. As always , all communication with PMA International or with fellow members on all our venues will adhere to our “no abuse zone “ policy.
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The sharing by PMA International of a post, video or meme from another site, on any PMA International’s venues  or events does not indicate PMA International’s endorsement of said site or alignment with said site’s philosophy or mission statement.

Disclaimer for Protective Mothers/Advocates and supporters who are participating in our various projects on this site;

You alone are responsibly for the protection of your identity along with the protection of the identity of your minor child while using this site. PMA Intl assumes no responsibility for the protection of your identity and/or safety and the identity and/or safety of your minor child/ children. We reserve the right to edit all posts for any reason.
Persons posting on this site are solely responsible for abiding by their specific court orders. PMA INTL is not responsibly for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from a person posting on this site who is not in compliance with an order from the court.

 Important Disclaimer ;

PMA International reserves all copyright, trademark, patent, intellectual and other property rights in the information contained in PMA International’s “Unstoppable Mothers Campaign.” and ” Love Letters For Our Children Campaign”This includes but is not limited to, all PMA International and PMA International’s “Unstoppable Mothers’ and” Love Letters To Our Children” specific logos and services logos and no express or implied license is granted in respect thereof. Any unauthorized access, use or reproduction of the information or proprietary rights contained in this site about these campaigns is strictly prohibited and is subject to such action as provided in applicable laws. No information on this PMA International’s “Unstoppable Mothers Campaign” and ” Love Letters For Our Children ” Campaign should be reproduced or distributed for another organization’s or individual’s campaign or advocacy use, without the prior written consent of PMA International. The Information is for your personal use only.

Any unauthorized copying or modification of trade-marks and/or the contents of the PMA International “Unstoppable Mothers “Campaign and ” Love Letters To Our Children” Campaign for another organization’s or individual’s use, including but not limited to, art, art exhibits, all manner of advocacy, written materials,and all manner of social media may be a violation of any law that may apply to trade-marks and/or copyrights and could subject the copier to legal action.

Images and links from  all PMA International  venues , including but not limited to this website/blog and all PMA International campaigns including but not limited to ” Love Letters To Our Children” and ” Unstoppable Mothers” may be used only in a social media/blog content and only when provided that full and clear credit is given to PMA International and said campaigns with appropriate and specific directions to original content.

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For information about helping PMA INTL advocate for family court reform please visit the link below

Please be advised; The link below describes the only official, revised and updated, guidelines for joining PMA International. Any additional postings on any other site about this issue is outdated, null and void, and does not apply.
Thank you.

https://protectivemothersalliance.wordpress.com/protective-mothersadvocates-interested-in-joining-pma-international-the-process/

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For a list of professional services for protective mothers dealing with family court abuse and corruption, please visit the link below. Please note the disclaimer on that page.

https://protectivemothersalliance.wordpress.com/professional-services-for-protective-mothers-pma-international-list-of-suggestions/

Thank you in advance for your understanding and cooperation in these matters.

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PMA INTERNATIONAL’s” NO ABUSE ZONE” Policy

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You have just entered a PMA INTERNATIONAL NO ABUSE ZONE:

• PMA International stands strong on a zero tolerance approach to any type of abuse. We recognize that you cannot negotiate , work together in peace and harmony , come together in unity with abusers or those who support or enable abusive behaviour . PMA International recognizes that there are different types of abuse and abusers are not gender specific.

• PMA International is dedicated to creating a safe, supportive, abuse free environment for our family of advocates as we work together to fight family court abuse and corruption.

• PMA International is committed to treating those we work with, with kindness, respect and professionalism at all times.

• PMA International remains open to working with other organizations and advocates that share our philosophy.

• PMA International stands strong on unity within the mothers movement and desires to work with other organizations and advocates that have a history of zero tolerance of abuse regardless of gender and organizations and advocates that have a history of treating others with kindness, respect and professionalism.

• PMA International reserves the right to dismiss anyone within our organization with any history of or current abusive behaviour.

• PMA International reserves the right to refuse to work with any organization or advocate with a history of or current abusive behavior. This includes organizations and/ or advocates with a history of working with, promoting and supporting the above.

Caught Between Parents :10 tips for maintaining a bond / Psychology Today/ Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D.

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Here are 10 things to do with your mildly-moderately alienated child to maintain the bond when it is under attack from the other parent.

(1) Invite your child to tell you how s/he is feeling about the relationship and to routinely “clear the air.” This can ensure that your child is not harboring any lingering negative thoughts and feelings.

(2) Create relationship markers such as family rituals, slogans, emblems, routines, games, etc. so that your child has a strong identity of being a part of the relationship. For example, if you give your child a Hershey’s Kiss and tell him/her that this is a kiss from you and you regularly give your child a Hershey’s Kiss, then every time your child sees a Hershey’s Kiss s/he will think of you.

(3) Take pictures of you and your child together and post them around your house so that your child sees him/herself loving and being loved by and having fun with you.

(4) Make friends with his/her friends and their families so that your home is the “place to be” for people who matter to your child.

(5) Hold your child to high standards in a loving way by saying, “I love you too much to let you talk to me that way, be rude to your friends,” etc.

(6) Help your child have close and loving relationships with your family to deepen his/her connection with you and yours.

(7) Talk to your child about his/her goals, interests, plans, and dreams. Have faith in your child and support his/her life plans. Encourage your child to try new things and to take on challenges.

(8) Be respectful to your child in tone and action. Your child will appreciate it.

(9) Appreciate your child and let him/her know that you see and “get” the good things that s/he does. Your child will feel known and understood.

(10) Show your child love and affection in ways that mean the most to him/her. Some children like physical affection, some need lots of time and attention, others feel loved when you cook them a special meal or play a game. Know your child and show your love in the ways that matter most to your child.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/caught-between-parents/201209/parenting-mildly-moderately-alienated-0
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A Story of DV By Proxy ( Alienation) From An Alienated Child’s Perspective

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Daniel Goleman Introduces Emotional Intelligence

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Controlling People: Signs of a Controlling Person and How to Deal with Them

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Alicia was once free, happy, and prosperous. She regularly met with friends, enjoyed working, and made many decisions on her own until two years in a relationship with Randy. Her boyfriend began to control Alicia. She had no idea what was going on. Controlling people can do that.

Alicia didn’t think her boyfriend was someone with a controlling personality – two years later she is still confused about her boyfriend’s behavior. She tells her friends that Randy controls what she does and how she feels, but they say it’s typical for men to behave that way. She has gone to a counselor. Everyone says to work on her relationship more. Alicia sometimes thinks if she loves Randy more, he will change.

Few people know the signs of a controlling personality. You could even be unaware you’re a controlling person. By the time such behaviors are evident, years of misery pass in the relationship with much verbal or physical abuse. The sooner you can identify the signs of controlling men and women, and how to handle these people or yourself, with the advice I’ll give you in this article, the better you’ll protect yourself from a dangerous man or woman who can potentially create an abusive relationship.

How a Controlling Personality Develops
How we perceive and judge information is the secret to understand controlling behavior. Psychologist Carl Jung discovered that people have four psychological functions:

Sensing (“It smells nice”, “I need to touch it first”, “Let me see it”)
Intuiting (“I have a feeling something bad will happen”, “I bet today is going to go wonderfully”, “I sense there’s something special about you”)
Thinking (“Lets look at the problem logically”, “It doesn’t match the set criteria”, “That happened before”)
Feeling (“I feel pain”, “I love the energy in this room”, “It feels right”)
The sensate and intuit functions gather and perceive information. The thought and feeling functions evaluate and judge the information. You can see the four psychological functions and their relationships represented below.

Four psychological functions key to understand controlling people
The four psychological functions according to Carl Jung.
You might know these functions through the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). All four functions serve an important part of the healthy human personality. The MBTI states that we have predominate functions and rely on other functions to a lesser degree. You rely on the sensate function by trusting your five senses (“I love the taste of this new recipe”), but at the same time you still receive messages from your intuition (“Customers are going to enjoy this new recipe”).

While the healthy person is connected to these four functions, the controlling person is unaware of one or more functions and unaware of one’s dictating behavior. Patricia Evans, author of Controlling People, says a controlling personality begins when one of the four functions are blocked, which leads to poor self-understanding and a blindness to one’s behavior. Once a guy loses a connection with himself, which formed his reality, control is pursued in the exterior world.

Men typically control others when their feeling function is blocked. Males have been told: “don’t feel pain”, “real men don’t cry”, “you’re too sensitive”, “men must stay strong”, and “if you get emotional, you lose”. A young boy cuts his knee and cries to which his father responds, “That doesn’t hurt so stop crying.” Gradually the boy disconnects from himself then ignores his feeling function. The boy’s inner reality is negated by others who tell him his feelings are wrong.

Once a guy loses a connection with himself, which formed his reality, control is pursued in the exterior world.
Disconnection is natural, yet ongoing disconnection is dangerous. It is necessary for a soldier to block his feeling function to get through the blood and brutality of war, but if the temporary blockage becomes permanent, he loses awareness of the feeling function. The soldier returns from war unsure how to feel pain and joy and struggles to empathize with someone in distress. Trauma, culture, and parents are the primary reasons people disconnect.

The four functions are necessary for survival. Without attention to bad-tasting food, a vibe that warns you of a dangerous location, obscure rationale, and another’s feelings, safety is jeopardized. A soldier deeply connected to pain in battle struggles to survive.

When a person permanently disconnects, an identity problem arises. The person’s psyche is violated. Once a person cannot believe his own senses, intuition, thoughts, or feelings, what consistency can be established to form the person’s identity? Identity and control must be established in the only other way possible: by controlling people.

Evan’s terms this a “backwards connection”. If people are not self-aware of inner experiences, they form their identity from the outside-in instead of the inside-out. While healthy people construct their identity from experiences via the four functions, soon-to-be controllers construct themselves by a desired self-image or what others think one should be like. Controllers define another person’s reality. Intergenerational behavior leads them to treat their partners or children the same way they were treated.

The Dark Dangerous Secret of a Controller
Healthy, authentic persons realize authenticity in others. Controllers on the other hand, hate authenticity. Their experiences are unknown so they circumvent others from their experiences.

The controller molds his or her partner or child into the desired person then connects to that fake person. A controlling husband can say he loves his wife, but he really loves the perfect wife constructed in his mind. This is one reason women struggle to address a controlling husband. Victims are so blinded by this pretend love, thinking the person who defines and controls him or her is truly in love.

Victims are so blinded by this pretend love, thinking the person who defines and controls him or her is truly in love.
Controlling and abusive relationships are common in marriages because one spouse does not fit “Prince Charming” or “Princess”. It is impossible anyway for these personas to be realized.

In our example, Randy creates a backwards connection by connecting to the fake Alicia. She has senses, intuition, thoughts, and feelings Randy ignores because her experiences fail to match up to the idealized princess. This leaves Alicia feeling confused, invalidated, and ignored.

The ideal image knows what the controller wants, feels, and thinks. Controllers assume “one mind” with their victims. If the controlled person fails to behave congruently with the ideal image by mind-reading the controller, the person is often ignored, abused, argued against, or told what to be, say, and feel in an attempt to negate authenticity and mold into the unattainable image.

Victims like a woman who try to be the perfect wife based on the abuse received from her controlling husband cannot consistently be the idealized image. Moments of genuineness always show – they are who the person really is after all.

Controllers do not see their behavior for what it is, however. Most are completely dumbfounded as to why they control others. If you are a controller, you will not know why you behave hurtfully towards one or two victims of your controlling behavior while most people see you as a beautiful, nice, caring person. Pleas for help can easily go ignored for the behavior is deceptive.

Controllers assume ‘one mind’ with their victims.
Blame blinds controllers. Rapists, murderers, and others convicted of assault say it was the victim’s fault because the victims showed authenticity that stirred the perpetrator to eliminate. Controllers never take responsibility for their behavior and instead accuse their victims who “deserved it”. Battered wives are blamed, beaten-down, and belittled by abusive husbands who believe their spouses are responsible for their rage. Criminals can sit in their prison cell and still blindly conclude their victims are the reason one is imprisoned.

2 Major Signs of Controlling People
The best sign to identify a controlling man or woman is to see if the person assumes one mind. I would assume one mind with you if I became angry over you not knowing what I wanted.

One-mindedness is a warning sign of a controlling person because the ideal image knows what the controlling person wants, thinks, and feels. The moment this perfect understanding is brought back to reality with a question, rage can form. If Alicia asks Randy, “When will you be back?” “Why do you treat me like this?” and “Why can’t I satisfy you?”, he could show controlling behavior like avoiding, arguing, or abusing her.

A second major warning sign of a controlling person is they define you. I would define you by telling you what you think and feel.

A controlling person defines victims based on the ideal image. Authenticity is neglected. What a victim really feels and thinks is replaced by the controlling person’s definition. The definition forms a fantasy, trying to pull the victim back into the perfect persona. You can see this in the following situations in which Alicia is defined by Randy:

Other Signs of Controllers?

Most additional signs of controlling people are derived from the major two warning signs of one-mindedness and defining others:

Intense jealousy is a sign that shows when the victim displays interest in others, meaning the ideal image is not focused on the controller
The controller belittles the victim, attempting to destroy any authenticity
The controller says he or she will change after an episode of rage, but no change results
The controller blames one’s anger on others
The controller isolates the victim
Lavishes the victim with gifts in aim of making the person entirely dependent
Close-mindedness shows the person lives in the fantasy world
Alicia says, “I want to order chicken teriyaki.” Randy replies, “Don’t get it because you won’t like chicken teriyaki.”
Alicia says, “I’m trying.” Randy replies, “You’re not trying!”
Alicia says, “Please don’t treat me that way.” Randy replies, “You always try to blame me for what happens to you! It’s your own bloody fault you get treated that way!”
Alicia says, “I’m feeling sad.” Randy replies, “Stop trying to manipulate me.”
Alicia says, “I want to work again.” Randy replies, “You don’t know what you want.”
Randy defines Alicia. He destroys her authenticity by molding her into his idealized image.

Most of the responses defining Alicia are paradoxical. Controllers create the exact opposite of what they try to achieve:

They try to get close by barking orders, but their controlling behavior creates distance
They try to show power by belittling others, but their controlling behavior shows inferiority
They try to show wisdom and intelligence by disproving a victim’s point of view, but their controlling behavior shows incomprehension and shallowness
They think their perception is clear, but it is unclear
Intimacy is a paradoxical outcome avoided. The controller attempts to fulfill a need of closeness with the victim, yet true closeness is never achieved when the connection is with an inauthentic person. You cannot be intimate with a controller. Intimacy requires two persons to understand their feelings and connect with each for who they really are. Controllers cannot get intimate because they lack one or more of the four operational functions.

If you control someone, seeing theses signs is usually enough to make you see firsthand the false reality you live in and what you need to bring yourself back into an authentic world. Some recovering controllers see the severity of their behavior and cannot kill it so they respect their victims by ending a relationship to seek healing.

How to Deal with a Controlling Person
Now you can recognize and understand a controlling person – maybe you even identified some characteristics in yourself – I’ll share with you the secrets to manage a person who tries to control you.

The first step to deal with a controlling person is to believe no one knows exactly how you feel and think. Victims of abuse can have their self-esteem pummeled heavily into the ground that they believe abusers more than themselves. Someone cannot define you – not even a psychologist. It is vital you acknowledge and believe your self-understanding over what a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, father or mother, manager or employee tells you.

The second step to deal with a controller uses the one-mindedness warning sign. Identify when the person trespasses your “psychic boundary”. Similar to the first step, detect trespasses by seeing what someone does when they attempt to define you. While the first step is an acknowledgment and belief before controlling behavior surfaces, this second step reinforces the first step the moment someone controls you.

Though you are a victim of someone’s hurtful behavior, you are responsible for your response.
The third step is to speak up to controlling people. You cannot shatter the idealized image placed on you until you speak up to face the problem. Though you are a victim of someone’s hurtful behavior, you are responsible for your response. (Tweet this quote.)

The fourth step uses the “What?” technique taught by Evans who says victims fall into the false reality controllers create by arguing with them. Most people respond to controllers by trying to contradict the nonsense such as: “I do love chicken teriyaki!” “Far out, I try so hard!” “I am sad… You don’t know how I feel!” Here is a sample dialog between Randy and Alicia who sticks to her habits by arguing with Randy, which is ineffective:

“I want to work again,” says Alicia.
“You don’t know what you want,” replies Randy.
“I do want to work again. I have a desire to pursue my photography career.”
“You don’t really like photography! Keep doing what you’re doing now.”
“No! I’ve been looking at some photography magazines and I really want to do it!”
“Where are those magazines? GIVE THEM TO ME SO I CAN TEAR THE DAMN THINGS UP YOU F***** B****!”
Do not argue with a person who defines you. Evans recommends you do not even validate what they say through argument. You instead ask, “What?” or variations of it repeatedly. Other responses Alicia and you can use that do not validate a controller’s remarks are, “Cut it out”, “Quit that”, and “What are you doing?” Here is a sample dialog between Randy and Alicia who uses variations recommended by Evans:

“I want to work again,” says Alicia.
“You don’t know what you want,” replies Randy.
“What?”
“You don’t know what you want.”
“What?”
(For the first time Randy realizes something is going on.) “Cut it out. You heard me. You don’t want to work again.”
“Nonsense.”
A word of warning using this fourth step: do not use it on a dangerous person. It is too threatening to use on someone who can potentially go into rage. Protect yourself, protect your children. Be careful when you deal with a controller because they fight to keep their reality alive. A cut to their reality is perceived as death.

No controlling person is going to change their behavior through one conversation. The above dialog between Alicia and Randy is the start of healing. Controllers need to see for themselves the backward connections they have created with others.

Leaving a Controlling Relationship
If you decide to leave a controller, their fake reality weakens. They may not change, but many do realize what their behavior did to themselves and the lives of their victims.

Be careful when you deal with a controller because they fight to keep their reality alive.
There are shelters that help sufferers of abuse should you leave a controlling spouse. Other options you can consider is to stay with family and friends and contact the police. Do something about the problem for the safety and happiness of yourself and your children.

Children in controlling relationships need help otherwise they are at risk of dictating others later in life. The moment a child’s fundamental needs remain unfilled, the child escapes to a fake world where those needs are met.

Psychotherapists say a common object in which a child obtains these needs is from a toy like a teddy bear. The bear is spoken to as an idealized person, always listening, always knowing, always understanding the child. The teddy is defined by the child and is one mind with the child. Later in the life the toy is projected onto others who get controlled by the person.

The intergenerational transmission of control cycles again unless it is stopped. Now is the time to deal with controlling people to take control of what is controlling you.

Key Elements and Cycles of Violence Abusers Commit

Abuser Tactics

Overcoming Brainwashing and the Sociopath’s World of Lies

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See on Scoop.itThe War Against Mothers

There comes a time when that endless analysis needs to stop. If you keep filling your brain up with doubts because of the psychopath’s lies and re-affirming them, you won’t leave any space inside your mind for the truth.

See on www.psychopathfree.com

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