Protective Mothers' Alliance International

family court abuse/corruption

Posts Tagged ‘divorce

4 Warning Signs You’re Being Gas-Lighted By Kiddy First

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Gas-lighters rewrite history, deny reality, and blame you for reacting to their abuse (rather than taking responsibility for their abuse)

Gas-lighting is one of the most dangerous and insidious forms of emotional abuse. Left untended, it can have long lasting effects like self doubt, anxiety, and low self esteem.

What is Gas-Lighting?

In short: It’s when someone tells you (or implies) that your interpretation of reality isn’t true. They do harmful things, and then deny ever doing those things (or minimize the details of it). They discount memories, evidence, and facts — in favor of lies. They often accuse you of doing things that they themselves are doing. They rewrite history whenever convenient. Another good word for it is “crazy-making”, because it literally makes the recipient feel crazy, questioning their own reality.

So what are the warning signs?

1. They provoke you (over and over again) and then blame you for reacting

Gas-lighters love to provoke others. They take inventory of the things that upset you, and then do more of those things. You will likely react calmly the first three or four times, thinking you resolved the issue. But then they do it again. And again. And again. You think: “How in the world could someone be this dense?”.

Eventually you react less calmly.

This is when the gas-lighter jumps on you and accuses you of being hysterical, crazy, sensitive, negative, paranoid, bipolar, or mentally ill. They tell you to calm down and make you feel ashamed of your (normal) reaction to their unacceptable behavior. They use your reaction to show others how unstable you are.

2. They tend to lash out when asked to take responsibility for their behavior

Gas-lighters use their tactics for many reasons — control, power, entertainment, and sheer boredom. But the most common time you’ll notice the gas-lighting is when you point out their misbehavior (or ask them to take responsibility for it).

This is when they’ll ramp up the abuse, twisting your words and re-writing reality. Even if you think you have a slam dunk case against them with evidence and proof, they’ll hurl a completely outrageous accusation at you to destabilize you, and put you on the defense.

Even though you began the conversation with the intention of holding them accountable, you’ll suddenly find that you’re the one defending yourself (or even apologizing to them!). Gas-lighters have extremely fragile egos and interpret any criticism as an attack on their entire identity. By calling them out on their hurtful behavior, you are deemed a threat to their carefully crafted world, and so they seek to destroy you.

3. They are always the victim, no matter how horribly they treat others

One of the most frustrating qualities of gas-lighters is that they are constantly the victim. Even when they abuse, criticize, judge, lie, and betray others — they somehow come out as the victim. This is just another way that they rewrite reality. They victimize others, and then claim victimhood. And ironically, they will angrily lash out at others to “stop playing victim” (because they always want to be the biggest victim).

They claim others are “smearing” them, when they are the only ones attacking anyone. You could sit there ignoring their provocations completely, and they will still run around telling everyone how much of a lunatic you are, and how obsessed you are with them.

You likely treated this person with an unusual amount of patience, kindness, and compassion. None of this matters to them. They have no loyalty or integrity. You eventually start to realize that they’re allowed to insult and criticize you as much as they want, but the moment you simply ask them to stop, you are an “abuser”.

4. You start questioning your inner world – You distrust your own emotions, identity, and values

This is perhaps the biggest and most important sign. Especially in familial and romantic dynamics, gas-lighting can cause long lasting damage. When someone you love and trust uses this type of abuse, it’s extremely confusing. It can cause a certain type of emotional trauma called C-PTSD, where you feel disconnected from the sensations in your own body. This is because you’ve stopped trusting yourself.

Gas-lighting implants a constant self-doubting voice inside the survivor, causing them to question their every move, interaction, and thought. This is an extremely exhausting way to exist, and will eventually lead to anxiety and depression. It also makes you vulnerable to more gas-lighting, because your defenses have weakened, and the best gas-lighting victim is the person who doubts themselves.

You begin to over-analyze and ruminate on every little detail. You flip flop back and forth between “my fault” or “their fault”. Even when you settle on “their fault”, there remains a relentless voice inside of you that questions this reality.

Mindfulness can help you become aware of this self-doubting inner voice, and eventually realize that it is not your own voice. It is the voice of an abuser. And with enough time and self-care, you can release this voice and restore the trust between your mind and emotions.

Source: psychopathfree.com. Article Author: Peace

https://kiddy.org.uk/4-warning-signs-youre-being-gas-lighted/

Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

July 19, 2018 at 8:45 am

People Who Know Family Court VS People Who Don’t

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A Broken System: Unconstitutionality Of Family Law/ Huff Post/Stephen Krasner

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originally posted on Huff Post ( link below)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/a-broken-system-unconstitutionality-of-family-law_us_58c071a2e4b0c3276fb780dc

The Scales of Justice in divorce and custody ordeals are unbalanced.
Often people emerge from these ordeals bewildered and in disbelief by the lack of remedies available to protect oneself from having their rights violated — due process denied — access to recourse (justice) unattainable — and at the mercy of courts that can impose countless penalties, fees, fines and utilize mechanisms that create a form of “legal” extortion — using children and financial ability (or rather inability) as leverage against a mother or father.

Abridging Equal Protection
Upon entering a hearing — filing a response — displaying evidence meeting the burden of proof — a parent can attain a false sense of security feeling that honesty is the best policy in family court. This often unfolds in instances where parents take the approach that exposing the shortcomings in the courts application of law and the abundant disregard for professional conduct and ethics standards will safeguard their rights as a parent and litigant. After all, why shouldn’t they think this would be the case since many are of the belief that they are protected from judicial misconduct and legal abuses — having faith that the United States Constitution has their back.

All things being equal, this very well might be the way things would work out — but this is Family Law where justice is not blind — courts presiding over divorce and custody are not neutral — abuses of power shielded by judicial immunity are not often checked, whereby culpable institutions and parties are not held accountable.
Ron B. Palmer, founder of The National Family Law Policy Center, commented that,

“In exercising judicial authority, the court is supposed to identify the private rights at stake in the proceedings, the state’s interests in the proceedings (executive’s policy initiative) , determine the risk of error (costs of getting it wrong), then determine what procedure must be followed to appropriately protect the private rights at issue in the proceeding before making a determination (constitutional guarantees). This is the procedure that the Supreme Court has established and applied to everything from employee termination to multi-billion dollar class-action suits. In family law, every single state has twisted, distorted, and outright perverted this process. Because there is no executive involvement, in a custody dispute between fit parents, to provide the state’s interests — it is left up to the court to determine the specifics of the state’s interests — not because there should be a state interest but because the state is forcing itself into a private issue…The question becomes, how can the court be a neutral and impartial decision-maker when the court crafts the specific policy implementation?”

Immune From Accountability
Judicial immunity creates circumstances, intentional or not, that result in taking away liberty — happiness — sometimes the life of a good person caught up in this system.

Examining many of these ordeals it is often jarring to observe how laws, constitutional rights and hard evidence are removed from sight and intentionally ignored by courts. It is even more striking in instances where parents (trending more to those that represent themselves as pro se litigants) recognize and challenge these issues by often citing and illustrating the fraud on the court — found in abundance in many custody and divorce cases.

Once these matters reach a certain juncture and cross a threshold where they start exposing the cracks within a courts integrity and the often improper adjudication of a case — it’s no longer in the best interest of the court (and its players) to look out for the rights and interests of a child over that of the state — not to mention the parent.

“Absolute Judicial Immunity, the Supreme Court has determined, means that judges may intentionally violate the constitution and do so with malice towards a litigant — with impunity. They cannot be held accountable by the law in any way. I have seen this in action first hand many times and have heard countless horror stories from parents who have gone through the family law wringer… The problem with absolute judicial immunity in family law is, that, if parents raise their constitutional rights in a case and it angers a judge, that judge can punish them with complete loss of their children and huge fees for child-support, alimony, GAL, Amicus Attorney, and other attorney’s fees. I have known parents who have had orders to pay more monthly in combined fees than that parent had ever made in a single month, even with overtime pay. The judge knew exactly what he was doing. It was addressed in open court. The judge did it anyway and the state appellate court rubber stamped it on appeal without any comment at all in their opinion. It was a clear case of corruption with no recourse or accountability…I personally believe that judges should have no more than limited immunity. Judges argue that nobody would be a judge if judges didn’t have absolute immunity. I don’t believe it. Police don’t have absolute immunity and they take on difficult and dangerous jobs. Heads of executive agencies in states and the federal government only have limited immunity and there is no shortage of people vying for those positions.” —RON B. PALMER

Neutrality Fails In Family Law
Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy once said in referring to neutrality that,

“The law makes a promise: neutrality. If the promise gets broken, the law as we know it ceases to exist.”
Not long after making that comment, Justice Kennedy went further in an interview expanding on what he meant saying,

“You have to remember that we live in a constitutional democracy, not a democracy where the voice of the people each week, each year, has complete effect. We have certain constitutional principles that extend over time. Judges must be neutral in order to protect those principles. . . There’s a rule of law, [and it] three parts. One: the government is bound by the law. Two: all people are treated equally. And three: there are certain enduring human rights that must be protected. There must be both the perception and the reality that in defending these values, the judge is not affected by improper influences or improper restraints. That’s neutrality.”
While neutrality in family law is missing in many areas, one obvious one is where you find judges who are elected as opposed to being appointed — this tends to be the case with many courts deciding matters of child custody and divorce.

Campaign contributions to judges almost always come with expectations — corrupting the ability of the court to make unbiased rulings

“The law is a profession and lawyers are committed to uphold the constitutional system… If an attorney gives money to a judge with the expectation that the judge will rule in his interest or his client’s interest, that is corrosive of our institutions.” —JUSTICE KENNEDY
When you have Judges in these courts free to run amok under the cover of immunity with no real oversight or checks and balances — the notion that laws are applied neutrally and administered in a manner consistent with constitutional rights and protections afforded to individuals is a fallacy.

Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

September 16, 2017 at 3:30 am

Tips on Getting Through the Holidays as Grieving Hero Protective Mothers From The PMA International Team

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Because of the overwhelming response from our members/supporters to our post,
Experiencing the Holidays in a Hero Protective Mother’s World
( link below)
https://protectivemothersallianceinternational.org/2015/12/17/experiencing-the-holiday-in-a-hero-protective-mothers-world/
and per your many requests, we have decided to explore some tips on getting through the Holidays as grieving Hero Protective Mothers . Although some of these sites and tips are for parents who have lost a child due to death, some suggestions still apply. Take what resonates with you and leave the rest, with love.

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Six Tips to Cope with Grief During the Holidays
“What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” – Helen Keller
The holidays can be an especially difficult time for parents who have lost their children. So many holiday routines and activities revolve around the gathering of family and friends. Yet, bereaved parents may not feel up for celebrating as usual or embracing holiday traditions that they have in the past. Instead of feeling a sense of loss over what the holidays were supposed to be, we can take this as an opportunity to recreate what they will be for our families from now on. The following are tips for enjoying your holidays in the face of grief:
Simplify
Make Room for Your Feelings
Create New Traditions
Be Generous with Others
◦ Do things that help you feel connected. Spend time with the people you love. Nurture those relationships.
◦ Give of your time, talents, and skills. Sharing can lift spirits and ease burdens.
Be Generous with Yourself
◦ Expect that you will feel sad sometimes. Or angry. Or alone. These are all appropriate feelings. Don’t think of them as being counter-productive. What they really are is an acknowledgement of the intense love you hold for your child.
Read More
http://handtohold.org/resources/helpful-articles/six-tips-to-cope-with-grief-during-the-holidays/

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This article is written by a Gloria Horsley /Psychotherapist, Grief Expert

Let Their Light Shine: Three Tips for Getting Through the Holidays After Loss

Holiday Grief Tips

Remember Grief is Physical and Emotional – When responding to the news of a loss stress hormones are released which put our body in a state of heightened awareness. Reminders and memories of the deceased can trigger these stressed neurological pathways for years. Activities such as yoga, Ti Chi, and meditation have been shown through research to calm the mind. Walking, laughing, hugging and expressing gratitude can also calm the mind and release hormones that relax the body. These activities have been shown to be as effective if not more than anti depressants.

Read more
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gloria-horsley/let-their-light-shine-thr_b_8823996.html?utm_hp_ref=common-grief

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Stress, depression and the holidays: Tips for coping

• Acknowledge your feelings. If someone close to you has recently died or you can’t be with loved ones, realize that it’s normal to feel sadness and grief. It’s OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. You can’t force yourself to be happy just because it’s the holiday season.
• Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others also is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships.
Be realistic. The holidays don’t have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones. For example, if your adult children can’t come to your house, find new ways to celebrate together, such as sharing pictures, emails or videos.

• Try these alternatives:
◦ Donate to a charity in someone’s name.
◦ Give homemade gifts.
◦ Start a family gift exchange.
• Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus and then make your shopping list. That’ll help prevent last-minute scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients. And make sure to line up help for party prep and cleanup.
• Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can’t participate in every project or activity. If it’s not possible to say no when your boss asks you to work overtime, try to remove something else from your agenda to make up for the lost time.
• Don’t abandon healthy habits. Don’t let the holidays become a free-for-all. Overindulgence only adds to your stress and guilt.
Try these suggestions:
◦ Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don’t go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks.
◦ Get plenty of sleep.
◦ Incorporate regular physical activity into each day.
• Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm. 
Some options may include:
◦ Taking a walk at night and stargazing.
◦ Listening to soothing music.
◦ Getting a massage.
◦ Reading a book.
Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.

Read more
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20047544

angel-black-and-white-girl-hair-photo-Favim.com-69017

64 Tips for Coping with Grief at the Holidays

So here it is – 64 pro-tips for coping with grief at the holidays. Why 64 things? Eh, why not 64 things? Take some. Leave some. Love some. Hate Some. Then tell us what has worked for you in holidays past, or how you plan to cope with the holidays this year. Because the holidays are tough for all of us, the least we can do are share our tips and tricks with one another to make the season just a smidge more tolerable.
• Acknowledge that the holidays will be different and they will be tough.
• Decide which traditions you want to keep.
• Decide which traditions you want to change.
• Create a new tradition in memory of your loved one.
• Decide where you want to spend the holidays – you may want to switch up the location, or it may be of comfort to keep it the same. Either way, make a conscious decision about location.
• Plan ahead and communicate with the people you will spend the holiday with in advance, to make sure everyone is in agreement about traditions and plans.
• Remember that not everyone will be grieving the same way you are grieving.
• Remember that the way others will want to spend the holiday may not match how you want to spend the holiday.
• Put out a ‘memory stocking’, ‘memory box’, or other special place where you and others can write down memories you treasure. Pick a time to read them together.
• Light a candle in your home in memory of the person you’ve lost.
• Include one of your loved one’s favorite dishes in your holiday meal.
• Be honest. Tell people what you DO want to do for the holidays and what you DON’T want to do.
• Make a donation to a charity that was important to your loved one in their name.
• Buy a gift you would have given to your loved one and donate it to a local charity.
• If you are feeling really ambitious, adopt a family in memory of your loved one. This can often be done through a church, salvation army, or good will.
• See a counselor. Maybe you’ve been putting it off. The holidays are especially tough, so this may be the time to talk to someone.

• Send a holiday card to friends of your loved one who you may regret having lost touch with.

• Journal when you are having an especially bad day.
• Skip holiday events if you are in holiday overload.
• Don’t feel guilty about skipping events if you are in holiday overload!
Don’t get trapped. When you go to holiday events, drive yourself so you can leave if it gets to be too much.

Read more
http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/64-tips-grief-at-the-holidays/

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And don’t forget to check out our very own Wounded Healer series courtesy of our Healing and Prayer Network with valuable healing tips year around, but especially useful during this difficult Holiday time.
https://protectivemothersallianceinternational.org/wounded-healer-the-series/

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We hope some of these suggestions help you through this difficult Holiday, especially for those Hero Protective Moms without their children. Please know you are not alone. We walk beside you and are connected to you through our hearts.

Protective Moms- never forget you are Heroes.
Merry Christmas, Here’s to a better New Year.

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Much Love,
The PMA International Team

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We Cannot Decorate Our X-Mas Tree Together ( Photography and Quote)/ Unstoppable Mothers

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https://unstoppablemothers.wordpress.com/2015/12/18/405/

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#2 What hurts you the most about not being in your child’s life

“It hurts me the most that we cannot decorate our x-mas tree together. I cannot make you hot chocolate, help you bake cookies for Santa or see your excitement as you try to go to sleep on x-mas eve and wake up at 4 AM with anticipation and innocent joy, as you rush downstairs to presents left under the tree. I AM YOUR MOTHER. Why does any Judge feel they have the right to take away a child’s mother!?”

Unstoppable Mothers © 2015

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YOU ARE CLOSE BY K.R ( POETRY)

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” You are close, even if I can’t see you

You are in my heart ,even when far away

You are in my thoughts, my dreams, my blood, my soul

For you are my Child,

and I am your Mother.”

© K.R 2015 Love Letters To Our Children

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THE CENTER OF MY HEART ( PICTURE QUOTE)

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“The very center of my heart, the most tender part, is where my child lives.”

© J.S 2015 Love Letters To Our Children

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