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Posts Tagged ‘Emotional abuse

Mental Emotional Abuse When Your Partner’s Judgments Are Your Defects/by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

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http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/articles/judgments_defects_339.php

Have you ever noticed how your partner’s judgments about you say more about him than they do about you? Yet, he/she stands behind these judgments as though they are a certified list of your defects.

“You are a lousy housekeeper, because you don’t fold the laundry ‘correctly’,” he/she declares. “You’re a pig because of the way you keep your car (or better yet, don’t keep up your car),” your partner insists. Or, how about this one: “You are a spoiled brat because you have the safety net of your family’s wealth,” he/she whines.

Now as an outsider looking in, at first glance, you could think your partner is actually talking about you. And even in your reality, their observations could be accurate. But, these so-called defects of yours that they relentlessly points out are as much about them as you think they are about you.

Our Judgments Are Our Projections

From classical to pop psychology we know that reality is perception. You can only see that which already exists within you. And when it doesn’t, it does not register.

I’m reminded of a story Deepak Chopra used to tell about kittens raised in laboratory rooms with walls painted in horizontal lines. And then once chairs were placed in the room, the cats walked right into them because they didn’t see the vertical legs on the chairs.

Vertical lines had not been imprinted in their neuro-sensory bank as had the horizontal lines during their formative development. Consequently, later in life, they simply did not register…they went unnoticed as though they didn’t exist.

Whose Problem Are His Judgments, Anyway?

When your partner badgers you with “your defects,” be mindful that these are merely his judgments. And more importantly, his sharing these judgments say more about him than they say about you.

So, pick up your head, take your tail out from between you legs and be mindful that he is talking about his preferences…his opinions…his experience. You don’t have to own his commentary unless you chose to do so.

You always have the option of looking out before looking in. It is for this reason that some individuals will tell you that mental abuse is in the eyes of the beholder. Now don’t get me wrong, this in no way suggests that derogatory comments about you do not hurt and aren’t delivered to mess with the way you feel and think about yourself. Rather, I’m reminding you that you have a choice in how you take it in. You can see it as having as much if not more to do with the bully than the bullied.

This shift in your thinking over time can help you restore your dignity in the face of mental emotional abuse. It can give you the inner strength to deal with emotional verbal abuse in ways that support you rather than destroy you.

For more insights on help with mental emotional abuse visit http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/emotional_verbal_abuse.php and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

This series of eInsights is presented to you by Partners in Prevention, a nonprofit organization. If you find this eInsight article useful, we invite you to contribute to the maintenance and growth of the Survivor Success Tips & eInsights. To make a tax-deductible donation, please visit http://www.EndDomesticAbuse.org

Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.

Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

September 21, 2015 at 8:20 pm

Chronic Lying is a Signature Trait of the Narcissistic Personality/Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life By Linda Martinez-Lewi PHD

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http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Chronic Lying is a Signature Trait of the Narcissistic Personality
(This refers to male and female narcissists).
“Lies roll off the tongue of a narcissist as smoothly as butter melting on hot bread…A lie is a handy tool the narcissist uses to enhance and protect the image he has so painstakingly built…He (the narcissist) knows that he can lie and get away with it….Lying for him is a shortcut on a crowded highway. It is a free ride in the fast lane (of life)… (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)
How Narcissists lie:
During divorce wars they always hide the financial assets and tell you they have nothing.
Narcissistic mothers tell their scapegoated child that she/he is ugly, stupid and will never succeed.
Narcissistic siblings lie, cheat and steal to get the family inheritance.
Narcissists always lie when they have innumerable others throughout a marriage and pretend that they have sterling characters. .
Narcissists lie to judges and lawyers during divorce proceedings.
Narcissists get others to lie for them whenever it is convenient and more lucrative for them.
Narcissistic mothers lie to their other children about the scapegoated child and turn one sibling against the other.
Narcissists always lie about money–how much they have, don’t have, where it is hidden, from whom they “borrowed” it.
Narcissists lie about their educations and degrees to maintain and build their perfect image.
Narcissistic parents never tell the truth to their children and cause tremendous psychological and emotional pain.
Narcissistic co-workers lie about your good character and turn others against you.

I welcome your adding to this very long list. The more that we know and understand about the true nature of the narcissistic personality, the more we are empowered to maintain our separateness, integrity, psychological and emotional well being as individuals.

psychopathy

Pictures In The Clouds ( Photography and Quote)/ Unstoppable Mothers

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https://unstoppablemothers.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/pictures-in-the-clouds-photography-and-quote/
#2 What hurts you the most about not being in your child’s life

“What hurts me the most about not having you in my life; I miss our lazy, fun summer days by the pond.

While lying near the water, looking up at the sky and listening to the frogs,

we would play our favorite game -finding letters or pictures in the clouds.”

Unstoppable Mothers © 2015

Disclaimer

Disclaimer

Excellent Hollywood Dramatization of DV by Proxy ( Alienation )

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Joe R. Barrow has created one of the best dramatizations explaining Parental Alienation Syndrome, this adapted from a Hollywood production. START VIEWING AT BEGINNING

https://leslinetmd.wordpress.com/2015/08/07/portrait-of-a-monster-parental-alienation-syndrome/
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Disclaimer:

As PMA International has posted before, we prefer the term DV by Proxy to explain the manipulations an abuser parent uses to teach the child to reject the protective parent. We prefer this term because;
1. In our opinion ,it more accurately depicts the actions taken by the abuser parent towards the child
2 There has been a lot of misinformation about parental alienation circulating the internet and beyond.

3.The term parental alienation and /or parental alienation syndrome has been use as a legal defense for abusive dads in family court. Most often this term has been used by the attorneys of dads who sexual abuse their children. This legal defense is used – most often- by attorneys in family court , for the purpose of deflecting blame from the criminal actions of their client onto the protective mother.

4 The result of the above has frequently been, abusers winning custody due to this misuse of the term. 
Because the term is so emotionally charged for protective mothers, and for all the reasons above, we feel DV by Proxy is a better choice. Please keep in mind others still use the term Parental Alienation. Since PMA International did not author this piece, the term parental alienation or alienation may be used.

Treatment of Attachment-Based “Parental Alienation”/ Dr. Craig A. Childress – Filmed at the California Southern University School of Behavioral Sciences.

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The Most Beautiful Way To Stop A Bully I’ve Ever Seen/ TED

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

July 16, 2015 at 1:15 am

The Invisible Domestic Violence no one Talks about./ Elephant

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http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/02/the-invisible-domestic-violence-no-one-talks-about/

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There were times when I wished he would hit me.

You know, a nice punch to my face. That way, I could have walked to my neighbors and said, “Look! Look what he did! Please help me!” But with me, as with many other women, it wasn’t that simple. It seldom ever is.

Domestic violence has existed as long as humans have walked the Earth. The majority of abusers are men. Most, if not all, were abused as children in some way, shape or form, and were lacking in affection, self-esteem and good role models. The causes and methods of abuse are many and varied just like the people involved.

Abuse of any type is often a byproduct of years of low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, being abused oneself and a million other things all tied together in a vicious knot. It’s a complex and sometimes difficult situation to read.

So too are the circumstances for the victim. No one stays with someone who abuses them physically or verbally because they like to be abused. Most have come to this point because of childhood trauma, a longterm relationship with someone who is an expert at controlling and manipulating their victim, and numerous other issues with self-worth.

The reasons for abuse are almost always the same: abusers need to have power over someone else to help them feel better about their own deficiencies, low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy.

Women who are in abusive relationships will often defend their abusers and stay in the relationship long past the time they should have left. It is often the female who blames herself and keeps trying to make things work. Sometimes it’s the subtle mind games of the controlling, manipulative partner that cause a woman to doubt herself and her feelings.

This is often difficult for those who have never been in an abusive relationship to understand, but there are many reasons for this. Some are easily understood, some not so much.

Sometimes it is low self-esteem that holds them in place. My therapist kept asking me one question at the end of every session: “Why did you stay?” I kept answering, “I didn’t want to hurt him.” Then one day, it hit me like a brick. Because of past traumas reinforced by my relationship, I didn’t feel like I deserved any better.

Sometimes it is simply fear that holds them in place. It could be fear of retaliation from the partner should they seek help, or, especially in cases involving verbal abuse and controlling behavior, they feel no one will believe them.

Many times women have taken a stand and decided to leave only to have the abuser decide to end it for all concerned. There have been many cases of this resulting in the death of the woman, and sometimes the children, family and friends, before the abuser turns the weapon on himself—finally putting an end to the vicious cycle.

Many think that that non-physical abuse is not as harmful or dangerous. This can be a huge mistake. Unlike the women who have been physically abused, there are no outward signs of mistreatment. All the wounds and scars are deep within the psyche—branded in the soul of the abused.

Verbal abuse, and the controlling, manipulative behavior that goes along with it, are the silent killers. Instead of taking a physical life, these abusers will kill a woman’s spirit slowly and painfully. Those who are adept at manipulation do this without anyone imagining the truth of the situation. Outwardly they may appear as the “perfect couple.” Inwardly the woman is in tremendous emotional pain and turmoil. She may not trust her own judgment any longer and may think that this is just how things are meant to be.

The signs and symptoms are many and varied, but they all share the same core issues. There are some subtle warning signs to look for. They include, but are not limited to the following:

A woman who is overly critical of herself and always defending her partner.
Someone who never socializes without her spouse or partner being present.
An overbearing partner, or one who treats their partner like a child.
Partner is constantly correcting or showing possessiveness with their actions.
And the obvious: unexplained or suspicious bruises, burns and broken bones.
As a society, we must learn to see and recognize these signs and reach out to help in whatever way we can. It may be nothing more than just assuring them that you’re there if they need to talk and really listening if they do so. And if at all possible, let them know they have a place to stay should they need to leave in a hurry. Keep the Domestic Violence Hotline number handy in case they want to call. Sometimes this is all you can do.

We can all learn to listen better, to see more clearly when someone in our life needs help. Sometimes all these women need in order to seek help is non-judgment, kindness, and presence. Chances are they will open up if they feel safe with you.

There comes a time in all types of these relationships when the victim can’t bear it anymore. She must walk away and seek help. Simply having a friend to go to at such a time can be a lifesaver in every sense of the word.

Leaving a long-term abusive relationship is not as easy as most would think. Women tend to blame themselves and keep hoping that things will improve. If someone comes to you for help, please don’t judge. Accept the fact that things are not always as they seem, and reach out a helping hand.

Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

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