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Posts Tagged ‘narcissist

The Narcissists Secret Weapon-Know Your Enemy/ Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach

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Narcissists use particular communications styles to keep people stuck. Narcissists are usually very charming and attentive when you first meet them, but when they feel they have gained your trust, that is when they remove their sheep’s clothing, and you begin to feel like you’ve been duped.

In this video you will learn how to arm yourself against your narcissistic husband, narcissistic wife, narcissistic mother and or narcissistic friend. It is important to note that narcissism exists on a spectrum. Some narcissists are more benign of malignant than others. It is important that we all learn to discern one from the other.

In this video you will learn practical tools to use when dealing with a benign narcissist, and you will also gain insight to how our society has helped create the illusions that support our false premises about self, that keep us stuck in unhealthy relationships.

Is the ‘Successful Psychopath’ a Myth or Reality? / PsyPost

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http://www.psypost.org/2015/10/is-the-successful-psychopath-a-myth-or-reality-38286

Is successful psychopathy an oxymoron? What’s the difference between psychopaths who spend their lives in prison and those who excel in society? These are some of the questions examined in a new study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science.

The study, a scientific status report on early and current research, seeks to define “successful psychopathy” and compare the most common models in use today.

Most research on psychopathy involves studying people who are incarcerated — and these individuals are assumed to be “unsuccessful.”

“Nevertheless, the past decade has witnessed growing interest in an intriguing possibility: Perhaps many psychopathic individuals are thriving in the everyday world, in some cases occupying the higher echelons of selected professions,” wrote Scott Lilienfeld, corresponding author, in the study. “Indeed, [Robert D. Hare] posited that incarcerated psychopaths ‘represent only the tip of a very large iceberg.’”

Definition: What is Successful Psychopathy?

According to Lilienfeld and his colleagues, scientists disagree over how to define success.

“Some emphasize short-term success, whereas others emphasize long-term success; some emphasize the attainment of personal fame and fortune, whereas others emphasize behaviors benefiting society,” said Lilienfeld. “Still others emphasize only the absence of prominent antisocial behavior.”

This fundamental disagreement has led to three distinct models of psychopathy, all of which were examined and compared in this review.

Differential-severity Model

The differential-severity model suggests that psychopathy is a single construct on a spectrum, and that successful and unsuccessful psychopaths only differ in their severity.

This model has not been statistically verified. In fact, a study conducted on 29 participants with psychopathic traits seems to refute it. “Success” was defined by whether or not the participant had been convicted of a crime.

The study found that the scores between the two groups on the Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R) only differed in specific areas. The unsuccessful psychopaths scored higher on measures of charm and guiltlessness, for example, but lower on other measures.

Moderated-expression Model

This model also suggests that psychopathy is a single construct, but that successful psychopaths also possess some characteristics outside of psychopathy that help them to buffer themselves against poor consequences. Some of these factors might be intelligence or positive parenting.

Several studies lend credibility to this theory, according to the research team. One such study found that successful psychopaths exhibit higher executive functioning and more sensitive responsiveness, and are better at processing information. This study also used incarceration to define “success.”.

Several other studies have linked positive parenting with the inhibition of antisocial behaviors. Though the link has not been proven, several longitudinal studies are in the works to examine it further.

Differential-configuration Model

Unlike the first two models, the differential-configuration model suggests that psychopathy is a combination of several traits and factors. Successful and unsuccessful psychopaths differ in the individual traits they possess. One particular trait that many successful psychopaths may exhibit is fearless dominance.

In one study, scientists surveyed 146 psychologists, lawyers and psychology professors to describe a psychopath they knew who had achieved success. 75 percent of respondents identified colleagues; many of them were distinguished from unsuccessful psychopaths by certain traits, such as extraversion, self-discipline, and a lack of agreeableness.

Lilienfeld and his colleagues concluded: “Although successful psychopathy has long been the province of popular psychology, recent research has begun to shed light on this enigmatic construct.”

While early research has been interesting and thought provoking, more research and a better definition of “successful psychopath” are needed before any strong conclusions can be drawn.

“By attending to these [factors], researchers will hopefully achieve a better understanding of how one person with pronounced psychopathic traits can end up being the prototype of the habitual criminal, whereas another can end up being the prototype for [the successful psychopath],” Lilienfeld said.

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November 3, 2015 at 11:33 pm

The Psychopath Next Door Full Documentary / National Geographic

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Apathetic People are the Narcissist’s Best Friends/ The Faces Of Narcissism

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Originally posted on- The Faces Of Narcissism ( link below)

http://facesofnarcissism.com/2015/05/11/apathetic-people-are-the-narcissists-best-friends/

I’ve said many times that I think we should shun repeat abusers–especially narcissists. Even if someone doesn’t hurt me, if I know they hurt others, I don’t want to encourage them. I want to avoid them! Furthermore, when onlookers stay silent about abuse, the narcissist believes that means they condone or even support his or her behavior. People who remain apathetic–who just don’t care about what the abuser does to hurt others–are the narcissist’s best friends. They enable the narc and encourage the abuse to continue simply by doing nothing.

I once stated my theory publicly to some mutual acquaintances I shared with the narcopath. I said that abuse continues because society lets it. People willingly let narcissists go about preying on others because they don’t want to speak out or get involved. When I said that, one of narcopath’s enablers huffily said that it was childish to shun people based on what relationship they had with another person. She said that she didn’t care what narcopath had done to others, and that mature adults only judge people by what that person does with them. Well, superficially narcopath has put on a charming face with that person, so she thinks he’s just fine. But with me, and many others, he is violent and exploitative. That reality doesn’t change just because he puts on an act sometimes. If narcissistic abusers were shunned for their behavior, they might actually have some reason to change it since they depend on others for supply!

In normal situations with normal people, it is reasonable to judge a person by their interaction with you. Maybe Suzy doesn’t get along with Paula because of a difference in personalities, but that doesn’t mean Suzy is a bad person. If you and Suzy get along well, that’s great! But with narcissists and sociopaths, they are dangerous, predatory people through and through. You can’t say that they just have differences with others because they are so cruel and manipulative, they are willing to exploit anyone and everyone. Would we befriend a kidnapper simply because they didn’t hurt us? No way! If a predator does that kind of damage to someone, we are horrified and we avoid them. But when a narcissist tears someone apart emotionally, they get away with it.

Predators are often very interesting and charming. My ex narcopath is below average for looks, but has no problem grooming and hooking hundreds of women with his false personality. There are many people who think he’s fun to be around. There are many other people who are picking up the pieces of their lives after he’s been through like a sledgehammer. Does the fact that he can be fun with some people mean that those people should ignore what he does to his victims? Would you be friends or stay friendly with someone who is a lot of fun for you, but hurts those close to them? Morally, I couldn’t do that, but apathetic people in society do it every day. They choose not to get involved, or they choose to ignore abuse that doesn’t affect them, but in reality, they are giving the abuser the green light to hurt more people. When it comes to abuse, silence is approval.

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Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

October 23, 2015 at 8:00 pm

Co-Parenting & The Importance Of Keeping Minimal Contact With A Narcissistic Ex/ Unmasking The Narcissist

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This article was originally posted on Unmasking The Narcissist ( link below)
http://narchivesblog.com/2015/09/23/co-parenting-the-importance-of-keeping-minimal-contact-with-a-narcissistic-ex/

There are certain things in life that you have to learn the hard way and the reason for sticking to no or absolute minimal contact is one of them. Of course, as is the case with me, if you have a child with your Narcissist then there must be some form of contact, assuming your Narcissist is going to stick around and co-parent with you. We couldn’t be so lucky to have them wave goodbye forever as they drive off into the sunset never to be seen or heard from again. Nope! They’ll stick around and try to make our lives as miserable as they can and will even use their own children to try and get supply from us.

Please know that there will be situations where you’ll have to be around your ex and you have to be ultra-aware of ambush techniques. I’ve had this happen a few times and the effects can be very, very damaging if you allow yourself to be set up for more needless abuse.

Remember all of the degrading things they would say or do to us and how badly they hurt? Remember how we even questioned ourselves if those things that the Narcissist was telling us about ourselves could be true? Once the truth of what was lurking behind the mask of our Narcissist revealed it’s ugly, evil form, we knew it wasn’t us at all. It never was about us. We knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that all of those awful things we were told about ourselves were not true and even learned that the Narcissist was projecting the image of herself/himself onto us.

Contrary to what pop psychology tells us, Narcissists do not love themselves and in fact they hate themselves so much that the instant they see a reflection of their inner monstrosity, they instantly project what they see onto us so they no longer have to feel the self-hate and loathing of seeing themselves in the mirror. We are normal, emotionally healthy people and the Narcissist hates the very essence of who we are because they know they can never be us. Even in the best of scenarios with years of therapy, they still cannot even come close to expressing unconditional love and experiencing empathy that is equal to our level of understanding or having the ability to express and feel empathy towards others. They’re incapable of unconditional love and are so incomplete as healthy, normal, rational people are and they cannot even begin to understand the most basic, elementary definition of empathy that we learned to express in our early childhood developmental years.

So what is an example of being ambushed? I’ll share with you two recent examples of my Narcissistic troll stepping out from her dark underworld and how to mitigate the hurtful words, head games and projection.

I was taking my daughter to her first counseling session since her mother and I separated just 3 1/2 months earlier. I have Sole Legal Custody of our daughter and the laws in the state in which we live, state that the parent with Sole Legal Custody can make all legal decisions regarding such things such as schooling, religion, medical treatment and even child counseling without consulting the other parent. Of course these are not always easy decisions to make and in the spirit of co-parenting, I have and will continue to discuss these issues with my ex. When I first broached the idea of taking our daughter to see a child therapist who specializes in children going through divorces, she simply said, “I have no problem with that.” I told her that I would let her know the name of the therapist, the contact information and the date of her appointment to which she replied, “that’s fine.” These emails took place around 3-4 weeks after I moved out and since this topic was brought up, she never once mentioned it again.

As promised, I sent her all of the information that I said would and even explained to her that this counselor was for our daughter, not us. We were not to ask what was talked about, coach her in any way regarding what to say if asked certain questions or interfere with her relationship with her counselor as it’s imperative she trust her. I couldn’t emphasize this enough to her. If our daughter was going to have a fair shot of dealing with all of the changes (parents separating, her mother instantly bringing her paramour around, having overnight stays with her paramour in the presence of our daughter etc.) that had taken place in such a short amount of time. Our daughter needed to have a confidant that could help her talk about her feelings and not be concerned that she would get into trouble for anything that she might say. She is very guarded with what she tells her mother because she is afraid of angering her. With me, she tells all because she’s learned through experience that she can tell me things without getting into trouble. I allow her to express her emotions and validate her for doing so (as long as she is not disrespectful towards me). This is parenting and reminds me of a quote from Karyl McBride – “I often say to people in therapy that putting a roof over your child’s head and giving him or her food is not parenting. A child can get that in an orphanage. Tuning into your child’s emotional world is parenting.” There is no truer or more profound statement as it pertains to being a parent.

As I pulled into the parking lot I noticed my ex’s vehicle; I had no idea she was going to be there and had little time to prepare as I walked through the door. Right away I knew she was going to play the ever-involved, wonderful parent. A Narcissist can turn on the charm and morph into whatever role they need to play in an instant. When my daughter and I walked in, my ex put our her arms to hold her in her lap. She read her books, coddled her and made sure everybody noticed her stellar performance while we waited for our daughter to be called into the session. She even painted our daughter’s nails the night prior, something she had not done in months. She could have won an Oscar Award – it was that convincing. These things are not the norm for my daughter to experience with her mother. In fact, all summer she did nary a thing with her and she spent all of her time with her new lover/victim (new as far as me finding out about it). When my daughter would visit her mother, she would be fed things like chicken nuggets and yogurt for dinner and sometimes no dinner at all. I remember my daughter calling me on the phone crying saying that she was hungry. I asked her what she had for dinner and she said, “a bagel but that was when we first got home.” Needless to say, I was furious but telling my ex to feed our daughter would only put her into a rage and take it out on my daughter. I told my daughter to tell her mother to fix her something to eat. I would like to clarify that I have never witnessed any physical abuse towards my daughter or her two children from a previous marriage but the emotional abuse is very real as everything revolves around their mother and they know to stay out of her hair or else there will be hell to pay.

The therapist came out, I made the introductions and once they were on their way to her office, I took my seat and then my ex took a seat across from me. I would have been better off to sit down in a specialized chair to get a root canal and colonoscopy both done at the same time. What a mistake! She unleashed a tirade of wrath that would have caused Satan to pick up his pitchfork to defend himself from this fork-tongued, delusional monster. She reared up in her seat, spread her arms to the side and glared at me. She reminded me of a demon seating there and the image still haunts me today. She briefly touched on all of the grotesque things she used to say to me once she started me on my constant and painful diet of devaluation. Then she started on how horrible of a father I was, how she now has a real man in the children’s lives for the first time, all of the reasons why I don’t have any friends and will never find another lover again. She even went on to attack certain family members of mine who never were anything but kind to her. I kid you not, this went on for 45 minutes until I said “no more talking” about a dozen times before she stopped. I finally just put my head back and closed my eyes.

After my daughter and I left I was drained. I felt like I had all of the life sucked out of me. I had not let myself anywhere near this monster for quite some time but I was ambushed in a place I considered safe and neutral ground; a waiting room in a counseling center turned into a battleground in which I didn’t stand a chance. It was brutal but not too long after I left, a couple of very wise close friends/family reminded me that none of that was about me. A friend told me that the monster had slipped from behind her mask, and indeed it had!

So, how would I do things differently when faced with a similar situation? First, I would choose a seat as far away from her as possible and second, I would not even speak to her. You see, I had my attorney put into the Separation Agreement that neither one of us are to call the other unless it’s an emergency and that ALL communications will be in the form of email or text message and even that communication shall only be about legitimate things regarding our daughter. I did this to maintain as little contact as humanly possible with my ex. We need to keep a watchful eye at all times because given the chance, the Narcissist will sink his/her fangs into our jugular and start feeding and once they get a taste of blood, it’s very difficult to get them to stop feeding and often times they won’t stop until we physically crawl away or they’ve fed so much there is nothing left of us but an empty shell, much like the abandoned exoskeleton of a cicada.

Another recent example is one of the times that I dropped my daughter off at my ex’s house. It was a typical morning where I got up, made some coffee, checked my emails, read the morning news and headed down the road with a fresh cup of black goodness. I pulled into the driveway as usual, carried my daughter up to the door, kissed her goodbye and told her that I would see her after school. She went inside and I turned around and as I was walking to my car, my ex told me that she had a question about her dog before I left. She asked the question, I answered and before I knew it, I was sucked into a one hour tongue lashing about everything that was and is wrong with me. She even found a few new items of dysfunction to beat me with since I moved out.

She used a legitimate but unnecessary question about her dog to lure me away from my car and leaving. That’s all it took. In an instant the fangs came out and my otherwise routine and non-eventful morning turned into a nightmare. By the time she was finished feeding and I was turned loose, my coffee was cold and I was left wondering how I could allow myself to get sucked into her dark world of deceit, severe emotional abuse and projection when I could have simply left at any time.

The answer is quite simple and we all know it. They are professional manipulators, have our resume memorized and know exactly what to say to evoke a predetermined reaction from us. This is why we cannot let ourselves be put into situations where we let the abuse continue. I know there are times (because I have them too) where we must be in the presence of our Narcissistic ex’s but there are ways to minimize or completely stop the abuse. Maintain no contact and if spoken to in a situation where others are present and not responding would make you look the like problem, respond using short responses instead of elucidating and divulging too much personal information that WILL be later used against you. You can respond by saying such things as, “that’s good”, “that’s nice” or my personal favorite, “interesting”. Basically it is disengaging the abuse trigger before the Narcissist fires off a shot or two.

Leave it at that and if other people don’t understand, too bad. They’ve not a clue of the severe abuse that we suffered and can’t begin to comprehend what we must do to protect ourselves and recover from the abuse, much less keep it from happening over and over as the Narcissist will always try to get supply from us. You may no longer be their 24/7 source, but make no mistake about it, you are still supply to them and you are their guaranteed source of supply because after all, you have a child together and will be in each other’s lives for many years to come. This being the case, we still never deserved the abuse and will not tolerate it going forward. Many years were stolen from us and we will not allow one second more to be taken from us.

Come up with a plan that is workable for YOU to keep contact with your Narcissist to a bare minimum. Implement those boundaries and stick to them. Be proactive instead of reactive which just allows you to be sucked into their abuse. If you know you could be in a situation that could leave you ripe for abuse, plan ahead to mitigate the interaction and don’t ever give away another second of your life to these duplicitous creatures!

Developing and sticking to a no contact or a minimal contact plan is crucial to not only your own well-being and recovery but is also necessary for you to remain the stable and balanced parent in your child’s life. When in doubt, simply say, “interesting”, walk away and reward yourself with a great cup of coffee and press on with living life free of Narcissistic abuse. ☮Vali

This powerful photo of emotional pain and inner turmoil was taken by ShaylinJanelle photography. http://shaylinjanelle.tumblr.com

Written by protectivemothersallianceinternational

October 2, 2015 at 11:25 am

Chronic Lying is a Signature Trait of the Narcissistic Personality/Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life By Linda Martinez-Lewi PHD

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http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Chronic Lying is a Signature Trait of the Narcissistic Personality
(This refers to male and female narcissists).
“Lies roll off the tongue of a narcissist as smoothly as butter melting on hot bread…A lie is a handy tool the narcissist uses to enhance and protect the image he has so painstakingly built…He (the narcissist) knows that he can lie and get away with it….Lying for him is a shortcut on a crowded highway. It is a free ride in the fast lane (of life)… (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)
How Narcissists lie:
During divorce wars they always hide the financial assets and tell you they have nothing.
Narcissistic mothers tell their scapegoated child that she/he is ugly, stupid and will never succeed.
Narcissistic siblings lie, cheat and steal to get the family inheritance.
Narcissists always lie when they have innumerable others throughout a marriage and pretend that they have sterling characters. .
Narcissists lie to judges and lawyers during divorce proceedings.
Narcissists get others to lie for them whenever it is convenient and more lucrative for them.
Narcissistic mothers lie to their other children about the scapegoated child and turn one sibling against the other.
Narcissists always lie about money–how much they have, don’t have, where it is hidden, from whom they “borrowed” it.
Narcissists lie about their educations and degrees to maintain and build their perfect image.
Narcissistic parents never tell the truth to their children and cause tremendous psychological and emotional pain.
Narcissistic co-workers lie about your good character and turn others against you.

I welcome your adding to this very long list. The more that we know and understand about the true nature of the narcissistic personality, the more we are empowered to maintain our separateness, integrity, psychological and emotional well being as individuals.

psychopathy

Abusers Use the Children as Tools of Abuse / Sam Vaknin

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How the abuser recruits his children as tools of abuse against his spouse or a devoted relative.

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August 2, 2015 at 9:53 pm

Silent abuse – The mind game by Teresa Cooper / No 2 abuse

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This article was originally posted on No 2 Abuse ( link below)

http://www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper

We have all suffered many forms of abuse but the least talked about is “The mind game” otherwise known as the silent treatment; ie deliberately ignored to cause harm to another persons mental well being, sent to Coventry, deliberate sabotage to a persons life or/and credibility and is one of the most harmful methods of abuse used by abusers who feel that

“If they do not use their hands to physically abuse then it isn’t abuse.”

Wrong

It is abuse to ignore someones needs emotionally and make them feel worthless, depressed and will cause long term damage so much so that in many cases it can lead to the victims physical health being harmed.

To deliberately cause harm to someone by use of the silent treatment, deny a person any emotional care, deny them any praise, starve them of love, affection, compliments, positive feed back, to regularly reject, degrade and deny a person any emotional responsiveness and to ignore a persons needs is mental abuse or also known as psychological abuse. It is repetitive abuse that’s aimed at controlling, diminishing another persons well being in order to hurt, punish, harm or control them.

The silent abuser is able to switch himself off emotionally to the pain and suffering he is causing his victim and will deny he is the problem and he may tell himself or others that he is the victim.

You stop being a victim when you become the abuser

The abuser is capable of closing down all reasonable sense of emotions and turn into a cold heart very fast as he withdraws into his own world without any care for his victims distress . The abuser will behave in society charming, calm, happy, he will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle natured, helpful, kind, caring and fool the outside world into thinking he is abused and his partner is the abuser. This is classic of a mental abuser. They will have their partner labelled a mental case whilst he plays the victim and saint and makes her the subject of of every ones rejection by labelling her with an unbalanced mind.

The true victim will be further rejected not only by her abuser but also by his friends, work colleagues, family and others he is likely to meet. The abuser needs to feel in control and he will seek constant approval from those around him and convince them that he’s the true victim. They will offer him advice and he will feed off their pity which will make him feel even more in control as he plays the victim.

The true victims may withdraw from all social activities, work, stop seeing family, they stop being fun, will see everything in a negative light, stop eating which is the start of dangerous health issues, cry alone, send text terror messages as a means to fight back which only gives the abuser more ammunition to abuse her with as he will use that as a further excuse to ignore and make her look bad in front of others. The abuser will happily share the text messages because he wants everyone to see him as the victim. The true victim will stop functioning on all levels as the mind games take over her life. She will find it hard to think of anything else but what is happening to her. The victim will fight with her own mind and struggle to work out if she is being abused or is she truly the problem. The victim may start behaving irrationally from the stress caused by the mental abuse.

Mental abuse is not normally seen by anyone on the outside looking in because they see the abuser as a strong, calm, caring and sincere person and will not be able to see the true character behind the person in front of them that they think they know so well.

Do you really know the person standing next to you?

Out of all the abuse I suffered (I am female), the one part of the abuse I have always struggled with is “being ignored” and made to feel I was in some way, the problem. When I begged for the abuser to stop he didn’t listen and when I sought help, no one listened. The more I was ignored the more it built up an extreme and unlikely intolerance for being “ignored” which has stayed with me as an adult. I left care with that intolerance to the ugly side of human nature that often sees many people misuse the silent treatment to harm others. Some justify this behaviour and kid themselves that it’s in some way an honourable stance to take. Ignoring someone briefly when done to express dissatisfaction is very different to the silent treatment. To ignore someone as a regular means to punish, hurt or upset someone as payback or for whatever reason, is in my opinion and the opinions of experts to be considered, one of the worst forms of mental abuse that exists in human nature.

It causes irreparable damage to a person’s mind and will see the victims behaviour change slowly but noticeably when its out of control, especially by others who are close and on the outside looking in. There are times the abuse continues and the victims show now outward signs to those who are close while the mental abuser witnesses the dramatic and extreme behaviour change in a direct response to his/her mental abuse in the “silent treatment”.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment and control and the person using it to harm another, feels a lack of care, responsibility or remorse and can not or will not communicate as she/he watches the victim slowly deteriorate.

Someone who was once a lively, happy and fun person to be around turns into a whole new personality and becomes withdrawn, reclusive or maybe verbally aggressive to the abuser in a vain bid to stop the abuse of the mind.

The person dishing out the “silent treatment is FULLY aware of the damage they are doing and they are FULLY aware that all they need to do to stop the abuse is to simply talk to the victim. The abuser will not talk to the victim when in control mode and when he does he will constantly lead the victim into a false sense of security at leisure, only to ignore again.

The abuser will provoke any situation with silence which inevitably triggers off the victim who can never work out what has happened to warrant more silent treatment. Each time the victim finds himself/herself fighting desperately with the abuser in a vain bid to stop her/him giving the silent treatment all over again. Its a catch 22 for most when dealing with a narcissistic personality.

The victims behaviour can change so dramatically he/she is hardly recognized as being the same person. Every time the silent treatment begins the victim is pulled further and further down and the abuser sits back and carries on with daily chores, blatantly ignoring the victim whom is obviously so distressed that no normal thinking individual person could or would sit back and watch such a shocking display of suffering.

The victim may withdraw completely, stop talking i.e. friends, stop socializing, stop eating, start drinking, stop working, start text terrorism against the abuser as a defence mechanism of protection but it never works, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and that’s just a few of the side effects of a victim suffering from mental abuse.

The “silent treatment” otherwise named as “deliberate intent to ignore” or “ATCH” which means ‘absent to cause harm’ which is where an abuser completely cuts the victim off and the abuser will not budge. They often acknowledge in their own minds that the victim is suffering but do nothing about it, walk away and simply ignore it.

The latter is a very dangerous form of mental abuse.

I have often heard stories of men ignoring their partner, even after causing such distress that she has taken to self-harm or attempts to take her own life. The mental abuse has weakened her once strong mind into a nerve wrecking display of self doubt and depression.

The abuser will hear her calls of desperation and he will empty himself of all emotions and walk away. He will show no emotions as she tries to take her own life. He will convince himself that she deserves it for hurting his feelings by trying to fight back.

Its not often friends get to witness the mental abuse of the systematic silent treatment or mind games from a partner because it is silent.

In some cases friends will witness erratic behaviour of the victim but cant quite understand what’s going on because the victim will blame everything but her abusive partner.

It is rare anyone on the outside of the relationship sees the suffering of the victim as the abuse often like most forms of abuse stays “within the immediate relationship”.

The male abusers friends will only see their charming friend who they all love because he will do anything for them but seldom do his friends or family witness what he is doing to his partner. They will only see the abusers partners displays of distress especially when triggered in a public place or social gathering.

The “silent treatment, ignoring or ATCH” abuser is fully aware of their actions and fully aware they are causing a significant amount of harm to the victim in most cases but there are those who do believe they are the victim.

The victim may at times have the odd outburst in front of others or in a public place. The abuser will then inform his family of every little thing his victim/partner does as he seeks refuge in their company and portrays himself as the victim in need of support, because he has a totally “maniac” partner whose lost the plot.

He is then seen as the wonderful soul who is good enough to tolerate such a manic person in a relationship.

This form of mental abuse is used more often by the man than a woman but men do suffer this same form of abuse and they too remain silent because they do not want to be seen as imasculine.

Eventually once the victim has been totally broken down by the mental abuser, she will give up fighting back, beg for forgiveness and beg the abusive partner to forgive her.

She may well go to the extremes to try and make it up to her man because she has been slowly drawn in and is now under his mind control.

The man will continue to use this method of mind control and ignore, use the silent treatment or ATCH tactics until his partner has been totally exhausted, feels totally helpless and it opens her up to being controlled just so he can get what he wants.

Sadly this form of abuse has seen the deaths of women who self-harmed or taken their lives when their cries for help are ignored by the abuser. It can be a consequence of the action.

Self-harm – deliberate cutting or mutilation of one’s own body including ripping hair out, stop eating, stop going out, withdraw from society, cut off hair, stay in bed, over eat or attempt suicide.

The reason I am touching on this subject is because I have seen a number of women email me on facebook who are going through this right now with their Turkish partners or they have just left such an abusive relationship and sit in silence blaming themselves.

I also want to touch on this subject because I am a survivor of child abuse and I myself have gone through the mental abuse process and contrary to what people believe, it is not easy to leave such a controlling relationship.

Men who have been abused as children physically, sexually or mentally and/or suffered abuse by a parent due to the damaging effects of poverty are well known for using the “silent treatment, ignoring and ATCH” methods to punish and control their partners.

These men will convince themselves they are not abusing because they haven’t physically hit the woman and he will convince her he’s very good to her by not saying anything.

He will almost always convince himself he’s the victim and show no remorse at all for the suffering he is causing by punishing and controlling someone he claims to love.

These men are often found unwilling to contribute to the relationship they are in and show little or no care or respect for their partner .

He expects her to hold the entire relationship together all by herself whilst he laps up the comfort of control and does nothing to contribute or support the relationship. He will not show emotions when challenged or he may eventually turn to violence when confronted.

Ignoring a partner may also be a sign of infidelity or a man who is not in control of his own emotions and shuts down.

Regardless of the circumstances, mental abuse and the negative power of the “silent treatment, being deliberately ignored or the ATCH” abuse is never the less very damaging for those on the receiving end and needs to be address by either the abuser entering therapy or for the victim to leave the situation.

If the man recognizes he’s an abuser he can seek help from a professional.

The victim must seek professional help to get out of such an abusive relationship before she is so worn down it will diminish her life slowly but surely.

When does the silent abuse turn into physical abuse?

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Sheriff Thomas Hodgson Shares Insight Into Aaron Hernandez/ CNN Video

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A.H’s arrogance during the trial was obvious to all. In the opinion of most, he is a narcissist who keeps his swagger by being a Master manipulator and by compartmentalizing.

He knows how to use his charm to get whatever he wants, and will never take responsibility for what he’s done. He creates his own reality (calls Jail a training camp)- Texbook.

Bristol County Sheriff Thomas Hodgson, who oversaw the jail where Aaron Hernandez was housed during his trial, shares insights into his time behind bars.

http://www.cnn.com/videos/tv/2015/04/17/ctn-sheriff-thomas-hodgson-bristol-county-aaron-hernandez-trial.cnn

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When the Narcissist Becomes Dangerous/Psych Central

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http://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2014/12/when-the-narcissist-becomes-dangerous/

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Recently at a dinner party, talk turned to the current news story about Bill Cosby. As the only psychologist at the table, everyone looked at me as one person asked with intense curiosity, “How could anyone victimize women all those years, and still live with himself? How could you sleep at night?”

Since I don’t know Bill Cosby, I can’t speak for him; nor do I know if he is guilty of the accusations against him or not. But generally, in an actual situation like this, there is an answer to the question. The answer is one word: narcissism.

In many ways, it seems like it would be fun to be narcissistic. Wouldn’t it be great to go through life feeling superior to other people, and with unwavering self-confidence? Yes!

But as we all know, there is a dark side to narcissism. That unwavering self-confidence is as brittle as an eggshell. Narcissists don’t move back and forth on a continuum of self-esteem as the rest of us do. Instead, they run on full-tilt until something taps that protective shell of self-importance hard enough. Then, they fall into a million pieces. Under that fragile, brittle cover lies a hidden pool of insecurity and pain. Deep down, the narcissist’s deepest and most powerful fear is that he is a nothing.

With his brash, self-centered ways, the narcissist can hurt the people around him emotionally, and often. His deepest fear is of being exposed as “a nothing.” So he will protect his own fragile shell above all else, even if it sometimes emotionally harms the people he loves the most.

Why is the narcissist in such fear of being a nothing? Because she was raised by parents who responded to her on a superficial level, lauding or even worshiping certain aspects of her which they valued, while completely ignoring or actively invalidating her true self, including her emotions. So most narcissists grew up essentially over-valued on one level, and ignored and invalidated on another (Childhood Emotional Neglect – CEN). CEN on its own does not cause narcissism, but combined with other essential ingredients, it plays a part.

Some narcissists need to do more than just protect their shell. Their need to be special is so great that they also need to feed it with accolades, acknowledgment, or their own personal version of specialness.

This is when narcissism becomes dangerous.

There are four characteristics of the narcissist which can work together to make him a danger. They are:

The need to protect his inflated sense of self can make him desperate.
The need to feed his sense of specialness can drive him to violate others’ boundaries.
Lack of empathy for others can make him incapable of seeing when he hurts others.
His belief that he is special can make it easy for him to rationalize his actions.

Most narcissists do not pose any real danger to the people around them (except perhaps emotionally). The risk comes from #2. What’s his Special Ingredient? What does the narcissist need to feed his specialness?

Does he need to have a “special relationship” with young boys, like Jerry Sandusky (severe boundary violations)? Does he need to be seen as a mentor to Olympic wrestlers like John DuPont, as portrayed in The Foxcatcher (exploitation)?

What does the narcissist need to feed his specialness, to what lengths will he go to get it, and is his specialness extreme enough to enable him to rationalize his behavior? Those are the factors which determine a narcissistic person’s potential dangerousness.

Jerry Sandusky said that he felt his special relationship with boys was helpful to the boys. John DuPont appeared to rationalize that his money and privilege would make his minions better wrestlers.

If you have a narcissist in your life: a parent, sibling, friend, spouse, or ex, it is possible to manage the relationship in a healthy way. Your best approach is to walk a figurative tightrope. Have empathy for the pool of pain that lies beneath the surface of your narcissist’s blustery shell. Understand that he or she is protecting herself from the hurt that she experienced in childhood. But at the same time, it is vital to protect yourself as well. Keep your boundaries intact.

Do not let your compassion make you vulnerable.

To learn more about the effects of emotional invalidation in childhood, see EmotionalNeglect.com;or the book Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.

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